My Brain is Akin From This Stuff

Posted on August 22, 2012


It’s tough to know which is of more concern at the moment, the fact that at least two elected officials have no knowledge of a woman’s anatomy, or that Mattel has created Drag Queen Barbie.

Rep Todd Akin, a Republican Senator from Missouri, in a statement that set knowledge of human reproduction back about 50,000 years, said, “From what I understand from doctors (pregnancy from rape) is really rare.  If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

When asked to define “that whole thing,” Akin became very quiet for a while and then replied, “You know, that thing, that thing that happens when a Mommy and Daddy love each other and their love is so big that it creates a baby.  How can that happen if the Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other?  It can’t.  It makes no sense.”

American Family Association spokesman Bryan Fischer, agrees with Akin and defended him on his radio show.  The right-wing host claimed that Akin is correct and went even farther than the Missouri Republican to explain:

“What Todd Akin is talking about is when you’ve got a real, genuine rape. A case of forcible rape, a case of assault, where a woman has been violated against her will through the use of physical force where it is physically traumatic for her, under those circumstances, the woman’s body — because of the trauma that has been inflicted on her — it may interfere with the normal function processes of her body that lead to conception and pregnancy.”

In further explanation, Fischer said, “Take my wife, for example.  She says women have magic powers and that they can get pregnant or not, depending on what they want.  I believe her because we have several children, and I haven’t put my wee wee into her hoo hah since the day we got married.”

Mike Huckabee, in another statement of solidarity, has also chimed in on Akin’s behalf, claiming that forcible rapes have created “extraordinary” people. “I know it happens,” Huckabee stated. “And yet even from those horrible, horrible tragedies of rape, which are inexcusable and indefensible, life has come and sometimes, those people are able to do extraordinary things.”

When asked to elaborate, Huckabee explained, “Look, we all know about Jesus, right?  Well, Joseph and Mary weren’t married, and Mary was a good girl, so it’s clear to me that Joseph must have forced Mary to do it, right?  But look what resulted: Jesus!  Which is like the greatest thing that ever happened to every single person on the planet!”

When reminded that Jesus was the son of God and not of Joseph, Huckabee backtracked. “Right,” he said.  “Yikes, I totally forgot.  God can make people pregnant.  That’s what my wife must always mean when she says I’m expendable.”

Akin, Fischer and Huckabee are now collaborating on a sex manual for young people. 

Akin explained: “We get together a lot, like every day, to talk about sex and stuff like that.  So we thought, hey, why not give everyone the benefit of what we know? Like if you have sex during a full moon, you will definitely get pregnant.  And if you raise your arms over your head when you are pregnant, the umbilical cord will wrap around the baby’s neck.”

“Don’t forget about the short skirt thing,” Huckabee reminded him.

“Right, the short skirt thing.  No short skirts.  Ever.  You are really asking for it, then. A man can do whatever he wants to you and you are a slut and you deserve it.”

“What if you wear a short skirt when you are already pregnant?”

“I think the baby can fall out, but I’m not sure. We still have some hands on research to do on that one.”