Putting the Shades of Grey Trilogy to Bed

Posted on March 26, 2012


The following is the third and final installment of my posts (Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades of Bondage) on the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. I’ve been presented with a difficult conundrum. This differs from an easy conundrum in that it is harder.

Here it is: How does one continue to speak about a series of books one has never read, never plans to read, and would move to another neighborhood if those books moved next door? The answer is: Quote the people who have read the books, then spent their valuable time and energy writing reviews of the books. Then trash some of their reviews.

In this endeavor, I have now slogged through a morass/been engulfed in a tsunami/been swallowed by a man-eating quicksand of reader comments. I have barely survived. If it weren’t for Lindt chocolate balls, I would have given up.

I will begin with one reviewer’s comments, regarding Christian, the hunky, emotionally damaged, sexually out-of-the-box millionaire : Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one. Damn. Laura Bush probably can’t even say that about George.


Here’s another: I’ve learned a new vocabulary with Darker. “Kinky F***ery” and, my favorite, “f***edupness”.

The ability to impart a new vocabulary to its readers is a mighty high form of praise for any novel. The use of the term Kinky F***ery, itself, when not referring to a famous porn star, could do a lot for one’s prospects in life. Other life-altering vocabulary discovered in the trilogy include:

F***mehard, F***meoften, F***meonahappyrainbowwithunicornsandshitlikethat


You’ll find yourself crying, laughing and wanton.


It has some sexy scenes: pool table, piano, elevator, boat, just to name a few. Those are mighty sexy scenes, indeed. Others include: kitchen, living room, dining room, master bedroom, bathroom, back porch, roof, hospital emergency room, maternity ward, soup kitchen, Oprah’s underwear, breakfast nook, bomb shelter, North Pole, ballet studio, rabbit warren, coal mine, toddler’s potty training seat, laundry hamper, soup tureen, UPS receptacle, and the fourth ring of Saturn.


It is like a longer book divided in three parts that must be read in order.Good to know that some astute reader has figured this out and is sparing the rest of us mayhem and confusion by reading backward and thinking there are three Christians and three Anas.


Even with all their struggles it’s obvious their hearts (Christian and Ana) are truly twisted up in love. It’s up to the two of them to find a median where they can both get what they want. Love and acceptance, BDSM desires.

When all is said and done, isn’t this what all human beings want? To find love. To find acceptance. To engage in bondage, discipline, and sado-masochistic activity? And to find all of that on the median strip of a highway has to be more than we can even dream of.


One commenter went so far as to give us a run through of a pivotal part of one of the novels, one that clearly demonstrates the complexities of all human relationship. She speaks directly to Ana:

When your husband is so enraged that you went out for drinks with a female friend when you told him you would stay home with said friend that he catches his private plane, flies home, watches you sleep, and then tells you he would like to beat the shit out of you repeatedly with rage and fury in his eyes. Let’s not forget that you had a bodyguard standing by to ensure no hanky panky was going on…or that because you didn’t stay in something bad didn’t happen to you that would have.
Beautifully expressed. Love has no higher purpose than a desire to beat the shit out of one’s beloved.


Don’t BELIEVE THE HYPE: These books are HARMLESS — unless you’re a nun and/or have never had sex, or never had sex in any other position than missionary.
I, personally, prefer the Monestary Position, which is a little-known variation of the Missionary Position.


I leave you with an actual, not-made-up, real, direct quote from our hero Christian, one that embodies not only his wealth, his power, his world domination, and the essential fragrance of his underarms, but may possibly be either one more example of his extraordinary sexual prowess or may hint at an extraordinary juggling ability:

You should see what I can do with a cane or a cat.

The Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy: Read it. Or F***it. It’s your choice.