Life in the Boomer Lane has been well aware for some time that one of the great mysteries plaguing women-of-a-certain-age is the loss of body parts. Back in 2011, she posted a piece, The Missing Body Parts of Women Over 50, dealing with this issue. In the five years that have passed, she, herself, has lost two more inches of height and even more brain cells.
LBL was convinced that she was aware of all body parts that could go AWOL. Then, several evenings ago, she and her friend were enjoying a fine repast of pizza and other high carb delights. Her friend, who shall be named C, announced that one of her hips is now gone. LBL held her pizza slice in mid-air, allowing a blob of cheese to slide off.
C continued. It all started a couple of months ago, when C discovered up awakening one morning that the entire hip area had turned into a big bruise. C hadn’t fallen out of bed. Nor had she even gone to the bathroom and bumped into anything on the way. The furniture was all in place, so nothing had fallen on her. Mystified, she went about her business, and as the days passed the bruise faded, as did her memory of the event.
Shortly thereafter, C’s daughter noted, “Mom, you are walking funny.” C voiced her disagreement. Her daughter persisted. “You are all slanted. Really.” When C got home, she undressed and took a hard look at herself in the mirror. She still didn’t think she was slanted, but she did note that one of her hips was missing. She felt one side: curvy. She felt the other side: straight. She called the doctor.
C, not one to dither, got right to the point with the doctor. “My hip is missing, and I need it back.” The doctor looked at C carefully, then asked her to turn around. At that point, the diagnosis was made: adult-onset scoliosis of a small part of C’s spine, near the base. C asked what this had to to with her missing hip.
The doctor explained that her hip muscle had deflated (atrophied) as a protective response to the spinal curvature. (Readers will note here that LBL was not able to confirm the existence of this malady on the internet. But, in the absence of confirmation, she still wrote the post. It’s too good not to, and it’s not nearly as bad as all the shit Trump makes up. LBL, herself, is wondering why there isn’t a malady in which fat cells deflate as a protective response, when, for example, one eats ice cream or brisket nachos)
C asked what she could do to get her hip back. The doctor advised physical therapy to try to rebuild the muscle. C has begun physical therapy, but has not noticed any results yet. At the end of their dinner, as they walked toward the restaurant parking lot, C pulled up her shirt (cute, from Talbots) to show LBL. Sure enough, one side had a hip. The other did not. LBL reacted in the only way she knew how. She said, “That was great pizza.” C agreed.