2012 911

To help you enter 2012, here are the top 5 New Years resolutions most people make. So Let’s start off the new year with a replay of all of the things you committed to doing last year but didn’t, because you were doing stupid, inconsequential, and far more fun things instead.

1. losing weight  Raise your hand if you committed to losing weight last year.  Now look at your upraised hand.  If there is a slice of pepperoni pizza or fried chicken in it, you have just made a terrible choice. Now you probably have grease running down your arm. So put your hand down, and finish what you were eating, please.  And don’t ever hold food like that up in the air again.

2. getting organized  If you haven’t unwrapped your Christmas presents yet, you are in serious trouble.  If you haven’t wrapped your Christmas presents for others yet, you are not only in serious trouble, but you have lost all friends and family members. So at least you won’t have to worry about next Christmas.

3. spend less, save more  Look in your wallet. If it is empty, and if your VISA card looks like it just starred in a movie about the Apocalypse, don’t bother looking at your bank statement.  Chances are, your balance hasn’t gone up since last year, when you also committed to spending less and saving more.

4. staying fit and healthy Here’s a good one. You’ve just finished that pizza, probably followed by some beer.  Unless you did so while running on the treadmill and lifting weights, this means another resolution with a big zero next to it.

5. enjoying life to the fullest  Nothing to say here, except if eating, drinking, living amid piles of boxes/wrapping paper, and spending money are your idea of enjoying life to the fullest, you are on the right track, keep doing what you’re doing.  Just be careful about that pepperoni and fried chicken grease.