Just Beat Me With A Banana

Stop the presses.  Ok, what Life n the Boomer Lane mean is if there were presses, she would stop them.  She’s on a rant.  CNN just came out with a story titled “Study: Body Shape Affects Memory in Older Women/Memory Loss More Pronounced in Women Who Carry Excess Weight Around Their Hips, A Study Says.”

Can there be a worse way to start an article, or one that uses so many capital letters?  Oh wait, LBL thinks it could have been worse. They could have said “Study: Body Shape Affects Memory AND Emotional Stability in Older Women…

Then they give the “Story Highlights:”
1. It’s better to be an apple than a pear
2. Extra weight affects everyone, but where fat is located is important
3. Study includes more than 8000 women ages 65 to 79
(Note to women who are younger than 65: Your basic shape won’t change.)

LBL is not pear-shaped.  She is not apple-shaped.  She is another fruit entirely.  You’d think she would be happy.  No, she isn’t. Because the article didn’t include the name of her fruit or explain where her fat is located (For that, you’ll have to send her a very large sum of money and a stamped, self-addressed envelope), She imagines the worst:

“Women who are (unnamed fruit) carry excess weight in their (unnamed body part) are more prone to delusion and never getting a good parking space anywhere.“

For you other varieties of fruit out there who feel smug and superior about this whole thing, the article goes on to say that “there is a one-point drop in memory score for every one-point increase in body-mass index.”  This is across the board: All fruit. Domestic vs imported.  Boxed or bagged.  Seeded or seedless. This means that given what I LBL has eaten in the last two days, she now has no memory of why she is writing this article.

Here’s how the final paragraph starts: “The study tells us if we have a woman in our office…and she is carrying excess fat on her hips, we might be more aggressive with weight loss…”

LBL needs a definition of the word “aggressive.” Are they advising people to stage interventions on pear-shaped female office workers?  Will white collar vigilante groups form and go marauding through cubicles with measuring tapes?

Here’s what LBL has learned from this article: It is better to eat a fruit than to be one.  And from now on, she will never ask Now Husband if he thinks she looks fat in anything.  She will simply ask, “Does this outfit make me look more like a galumpi or a squash?”

Anything but a goatnut.