My GPS Has A Different Accent Than Yours

Posted on July 1, 2010


Life in the Boomer Lane has a GPS in her car.  She got it because there is no GPS in her head.  There is not even a G.  There is nothing in whatever spot is supposed to hold some sense of direction.  She would like to think that space is taken up by impeccable taste.  But impeccable taste has never gotten her from Point A to Point B.  She has many stories to tell about what happens to her when she tries to get from Point A to Point B without the aid of a GPS, a gas station attendant, a random person on the street, or a cell phone.  Sometimes, all four items are utilized.

The system her GPS uses is the same as the one Mapquest uses.  This involves some kind of satellite up in space that knows where she is and will guide her to where she wants to go. There is allegedly something else up there that does exactly the same thing, but the GPS Sattellite doesn’t have a lot of churches devoted to it like the other one.

Because LBL is in real estate, and is well aware of the fascinating places Mapquest has taken her over the years, she should have been prepared for the consequences.  She wasn’t.  On a trip to see her aunt who lives north of Philadelphia, she was directed to leave the highway 34 miles before the actual city of Philadelphia.  She wove her way around about 50 suburban neighborhoods, convinced it was actually a shortcut.  She was taken into the city via suburban roads, then entered the city itself via the smallest streets possible, following trolley tracks for miles, taking routes that she normally would have chosen to take only if she were unconscious and tied up in the back seat and someone else were driving.  She could have sworn that she had inadvertently pushed the button that said “Most Use of Bars” instead of “Most Use of Highways.”

The Lady Who Lives in Her GPS is very nice, but, like the people on the Technical Support Desk who she calls regularly, she sometimes loses patience with LBL. If LBL ignores her, she will issue the same exact instruction is a louder voice.  LBL is not making this up.  She will do it a third time (even louder).  If LBL is still defying her, she will go silent on LBL.  To LBL’s knowledge, she have the only passive aggressive GPS Person she knows of. She will only resume talking to LBL if LBL apologizes.  A friend of LBL’s has a man in his GPS, a man with an English accent.  He isn’t passive aggressive at all.

GPS Lady will often tell LBL to make a right turn and then, after she does, she will tell her to make a U turn.  She will ask LBL to make left turns on big, interstate highways.  She will issue a scary warning like “Move to the left to avoid the area closed to vehicular traffic” when there is nothing ahead but the road and cars and everything seems to be just hunky dory (LBL have always wanted to write the phrase “hunky dory.” Thanks for reading it.).  The first time GPS Lady did that, LBL spent about ten minutes trying to find a closed lane but couldn’t.  And lastly, she will chirp “You have arrived!” when LBL is still en route.  LBL is afraid to tell her she haven’t technically arrived because she feels like GPS Lady is doing the best she can do and LBL don’t want to let her down.

For now, GPS Lady is what (who) LBL has and she am committed to her, until something better comes along (Don’t tell her LBL said that, please).  She will await the next technological innovation from the Folks Who Bring Us Technological Innovations Faster Than We Can Learn To Use Them and she will jump on it.  For now, she will use GPS Lady and all the other aids at her disposal.  Her trump card is always that she (LBL) is a kind, inoffensive, obviously older woman who she believes anyone would want to help.  Oh, yes, she also have impeccable taste. That should count for something.