Hotel Sex Scandal: When the Mini-Bar Isn’t Enough

Posted on June 13, 2011


Thanks to Newsweek, I have been alerted to what routinely goes on in hotels. According to the Newsweek article, a certain percentage of business travelers expect more than a mini-bar and little shampoos and conditioners.  In order to help both innocent male travelers and innocent female room housekeepers traverse this hostile new territory, Newsweek provides a handy chart: 


I wondered why I had not been aware of these shenanigans.  After all, I travel. I stay in hotels.  Then I realized that the hotels I stay in don’t have hallways, let alone room service. The only times I have ever called the front desks involved  1.a fetid odor  2. a large, wet spot on the carpet  3.the headboard of the next room being repeatedly knocked against the wall at 45 minute intervals  4. activity I could see from my window that I’m pretty sure involved the Russian mafia.  None of my calls resulted in any satisfactory response from management.   

If the sheets are clean,the toilet flushes,the room locks, and there is no funky smell (#1 above was a deviation from my usual high standards), I’ll stay.  And if any members of international crime organizations feel the need to conduct business at inappropriate hours,they are welcome to do so if they do it quietly and if I don’t find any bloodstains outside my door in the morning.  

 But this article was a peek into a world I don’t share.  The only crime I have ever known committed against a room cleaning person was when a friend of Now Husband Dan stole handfuls of little shampoo, conditioners, and moisturizer from the maid’s cart at the Holiday Inn Express in Rehoboth, Delaware.  He brought them to me because when he wasn’t at the beach, he and his wife were staying with us. I thought what he did was really low class, but if any of you stay at my house now, you will see a basket of these items in the guest bath.  

Back to the Newsweek chart.  For the most part, I like the advice given, with just a couple small exceptions.  One is that to my knowledge, the word “skedaddle” hasn’t been used since 1951, so business travelers should be alerted that the word does not mean “Put on a mask and a pair of women’s panties and carry a bull whip.”

Also,the article advises “Don’t be afraid to yell for help.”  The best way to yell for help is not to scream, “Help!” That does absolutely nothing.  Instead, scream “Fire!” or “Your wife is coming!”  Either way, a lot of doors will then open and a lot of naked men will rush out into the hallway.  In the tumult, you will be able to escape.  And, if you think of it, grab a handful of those little shampoos and conditioners on the way out.  My houseguests would really appreciate it.

Posted in: satire, scandal