There are a lot of rules that are important to one’s medical health. One is: Don’t have a medical emergency on Easter Sunday. The other is: If you have to have a medical emergency on Easter Sunday, don’t talk about “Mafia Wives.” My friend Joyce broke both of those rules. The day went like this:
Arrival of Home Health Care Nurse. Joyce shows her a strange set of red bumps near the incision that bears a striking resemblance to the aliens in the 1962 hit, “Zombie Pustules From Outer Space.”
Joyce to Nurse: What do you think this is?
Nurse: Oh dear god. It’s like that old movie. Pustule Something.
Renee: “Zombie Pustules From Outer Space.”
Nurse: Yeah. Better go to Urgent Care.
Joyce, Jean (our friend and driver) and I spend Easter Sunday at Urgent Care. (Urgent Care Easter motto: “We are all pissed off to be here. Don’t talk to us unless you are dressed like an Easter Bunny and have chocolate.”)
Joyce enters with a completely bandaged arm in a sling. She is resting the arm on a big pillow that she carries with her in her other hand. The receptionist asks her what her problem is. We then go in to see the nurse. The nurse also asks her what the problem is. Nobody has noticed the bandaged arm, sling, or pillow.
We wait for the doctor. In an attempt to divert Joyce’s attention from her arm, Jean tells us about the episode of “Mafia Wives” she saw the other evening. Joyce makes a derogatory remark about the show. Jean takes offense. She defends the show for its sociological merits. Joyce makes another sarcastic remark, this time about people who think TV crap has any sociological value. Jean accuses Joyce of watching “stupid TV crime shows.” Joyce defends her TV viewing choices. The doctor arrives. He is ignored. Jean lists the shows Joyce watches. The doctor tries to look at Joyce’s arm. She inadvertently swats him away in her attempt to explain that “‘The Mentalist’ is a f-ing Masterpiece Theater” compared to ‘Mafia Wives.'”
Eventually the doctor is able to regain control by calling in two burly nurses. He unwraps Joyce’s dressing and takes a look. The nurses pass out. The doctor says “This is disgusting, like some kind of horror movie thing.”
Renee: (peeking out from under the exam table, where I have taken refuge) “Zombie Pustules From Outer Space.”
Doctor: Exactly.
Joyce is now salved and bandaged to within an inch of her life. I think that’s to protect the general population from seeing what’s underneath. It doesn’t bother me at all. Given a choice, I’d be more inclined to open my front door to a bunch of Zombie Pustules From Outer Space than to a bunch of Mafia Wives.
Life in the Boomer Lane 
carldagostino
April 25, 2011
the alien has good taste in women
lifeintheboomerlane
April 25, 2011
Most try to marry up.
1959duke
April 25, 2011
Looks like the first girl I dated.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 25, 2011
The alien or the woman?
Amanda Hoving
April 25, 2011
Colonoscopy’s, blinking cameras, and pustules. Please alert me when it’s safe to return to Boomer Lane…
lifeintheboomerlane
April 25, 2011
There does seem to be a pattern here. I have to get back to normal life, where crises are caused entirely by my ongoing inability to control either technology or my cat.
Elly Lou
April 25, 2011
“The Mentalist’ is a f-ing Masterpiece Theater”
I might have to get that printed on a t-shirt. Or a onesie.
Tori Nelson
April 25, 2011
Ditt-to-the-o.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 25, 2011
I want royalties.
Kathryn McCullough
April 25, 2011
Okay, let’s not talk bad about the Mafia wives or offspring, please! My family is, shall we way, a bit pro-family.
Sounds like a lovely Easter from outer space!
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
April 25, 2011
Don’t tell them about my post. Hey, you just reminded me I have a heartwarming (or, rather, an extremely grateful) Mafia story. I will write about it when I return to reality.
Amy
April 25, 2011
Hilarious! But, now I really want to see that movie.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 25, 2011
I’m debating whether I should be played by Angelina Jolie or Bette Midler.
pegoleg
April 25, 2011
And so a new holiday tradition is born..
lifeintheboomerlane
April 25, 2011
I sincerely hope not. It’s far more fun gorging on chocolate-covered coconut cream eggs and then spending the evening being sick to my stomach.
pegoleg
April 25, 2011
Hey, you have the same meaningful traditions as I do (swapping caramel for coconut in the cream eggs)!
planejaner
April 25, 2011
wow. On the bright side, I think the lady in the picture is adorable.
I want to marry her. I am afraid of her boyfriend, though.
🙂
jane
lifeintheboomerlane
April 25, 2011
He’s probably a sweetheart, but no one ever gives him a chance.
Mrs. H.
April 25, 2011
Wow, your friend Joyce sure is a looker! I’m amazed nobody seemed to notice her zombie gentleman-caller, though.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 25, 2011
He’s learned how to keep a low profile.
Lisa
April 25, 2011
Thanks for the giggle, even though I’m now thinking about Zombie Pustules.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 25, 2011
You can’t think too much about Zombie Pustules.
The Good Greatsby
April 26, 2011
Not a good sign when the nurse starts with “Oh dead god.”
lifeintheboomerlane
April 26, 2011
Actually “dead” is funnier than “dear.”
writerwoman61
April 26, 2011
Not a happy way to spend a holiday weekend, Renée! I’m sure you made it sound more fun than it really was! Bless you for not posting photos of the “pustules”!
Hope you get home to your loopy cat and Dan soon!
Hugs,
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
April 26, 2011
Tomorrow I fly home, wash everything, pack my suitcase again and hit the road for NJ. On Friday I am leading a workshop at a women’s conference on “Writing Your Life.” By then I should be even loopier than the cat.
SisterMerryHellish
April 26, 2011
The Urgent Care Easter Motto sounds a lot like my everyday motto..minus the bunny variable.
lifeintheboomerlane
April 26, 2011
I’m with you on that.
Katybeth
April 26, 2011
You are a good friend! And you know your horror movies.
Sorry Easter was spent in Urgent care but at least misery had plenty of company.