A Presidential Round Table

(The actual, and living, Dr Harold Bornstein)

Those of you who have not been rendered unconcious by attempting to carry all the large Amazon parcels being delived to you during this holiday season, may be aware that Donald Trump this week has tweeted the following:

“I am proud to share this health report, written by the highly respected Dr. Jacob Bornstein of Lenox Hill Hospital.” Trump later deleted the tweet, most likely, but not necessarily, because Jacob Bornstein is currently dead.

Not to be deterred by this small glitch in reality, Trump later tweeted that Harold Bornstein, the still-alive physician, had been his doctor for the past 30 years, and the one who examined him recently.

Bornstein described Trump’s blood pressure as 110 over 65, and lab results as “astonishingly excellent.”  Life in the Boomer Lane consulted with several doctors and asked them when they might use the phrase “astonishingly excellent.” All agreed that the description would be entirely appropriate if it referred to perfect the lab results of a deceased person.

The doctor went on to praise Trump’s “extraordinary” strength and stamina.  “He has no history of ever having used alcohol or tobacco products. He is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a mighty locomotive, and is able to leap tall buildings at a single bound.” (Life in the Boomer Lane, a devotee of Google images, can confirm that she found numerous photos of Trump holding a wine glass and not drinking. She couldn’t find any of him leaping, bounding, or racing along railroad tracks with steam coming out of his head.)

“If elected,” Bornstein writes, “Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”

LBL has unusually small teeth, but this is something she can still sink her tiny ivories into. Bornstein’s report was vague, and Bornstein, himself, is an orthopedic surgeon, not an internist. He has only been Trump’s doctor for the past 30 years.  To LBL’s knowledge, he has not examined other Presidents.

In response to this report, LBL  contacted various recent ex-Presidents to sit in on a round table discussion and get their take on Bornstein’s remark.  All responded.

LBL: We are here because Trump has said he would be healthier than any of you, as President.  How do you feel about that?

George HW Bush (Bush 1): I may have passed out while eating a pretzel, but aside from that, I was pretty darn healthy.

George W Bush (Bush 2): I barfed in the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister.

Bush 1: Shut up, Son. You’re embarrassing me.

Gerald Ford: Hell, I didn’t die until I was 93. When I was five-years-old, I developed severe abdominal pain. My parents rushed me to the hospital, where appendicitis was diagnosed. At the operation, my appendix was discovered to be normal.  Trump had his appendix out at age 10. He’s a wuss.

William Howard Taft: I weighed 340 lbs, but that wasn’t my fault. Soul Cycle and the Paleo Diet hadn’t been invented yet.

Bush 2: Who is the fat guy?

Bush 1: Shut up, Son.  You’re embarrassing me.

LBL to Taft: Sir, I think this round table is for recent Presidents, only. But let’s continue. Does anyone else want to weigh in?

Bush 2: The fat guy should do that.

Bush 1: Son, I’m not going to warn you again.

Bill Clinton to Bill Taft: Take it from another Bill, Bill.  I lost a ton of weight by switching from bacon cheeseburgers to a vegan diet.

Taft: What’s a bacon cheeseburger and where can I get one?

Ronald Reagan: I fell off a horse, once.

Clinton: Ronnie, I think you had more serious issues than that.

Reagan: I don’t think I had any problems at all. They didn’t call me the Teflon President for nothing.

Taft: What’s Teflon?

Clinton: It was a pan coating, so fried food wouldn’t stick.

Taft: You guys have way more fun with food than we did.

LBL: I think we have all gotten off the track.  This round table was supposed to be about your reaction to Trump saying he was healthier than all of you.

Bush 2: I keep thinking about bacon cheeseburgers, now.

LBL: This session is over.