June 15, 2015
For many years, now, I have found it necessary to hide my true nature to the world. I have presented the false face of a ruthless tycoon, one who cares for little more than building a vast real estate empire. I have named all of my projects in honor of myself. I have married a couple of hot babes. I have sported a laughable hair style. I have headed a reality TV show and bought the Miss Universe franchise. I done everything to enhance the false image of myself that I have created. I have done so to honor my father, at the expense of my true nature.
As the decades go by I feel the need more and more to return to my essential self: that of a deep-thinking, literate, philosophical man, one who embraces humanity and who cares deeply about our place in history.
America has entered end times. We have lost respect for our government, for the planet, for ourselves. We have lost our ability to think for ourselves, to entertain different viewpoints, to compromise our beliefs for the greater good.
I have thus decided to write a book that will wake people up to the perilous situation that they created. I will do so by presenting myself as the most odious and despicable presidential candidate that can be imagined.
I have thought long and hard about the best way to accomplish this. I will start by insulting and threatening Mexicans, specifically those coming across the border. They are an easy target, since all they want is employment, enabling them to send money home. They generally don’t make a fuss. I will start there. From that point, I will rachet up. I will attack women and minorities who disagree with me. I will make fun of people with disabilities. I will make politically incorrect the new black. At this point, I cann’t imagine any sane person supporting me. That said, I will have supporters, and they will applaud.
I will continue by slamming Muslims and declaring that, as President, I will halt all Muslims coming into the country. I will say I will bomb all Muslims who haven’t come here, just to make sure they don’t have a chance to think about coming. I will say I will eradicate all Muslim terrorists, although, since all Muslims are terrorists anyway, it’s a moot point. I will say that once I have freed the world of all Muslims, I will be able to turn my attention to other worthy religious groups to target. My support will swell.
I will become close friends with the most odious political leaders I can find. I’ll start with Russian’s Putin, since I believe that, secretly, he is an American wannabe. I will move on to become besties with North Korea’s Kim Jung Il and Sudan’s Omar Al-Bashir. We will all go out on hunting trips togther. Sometimes, we will even forgo our usual prey and shoot at animals, instead. My support will reach epic numbers.
In the race for President, I will not adress myself to Hilary Clinton’s political beliefs. I will only keep repeating that she is a liar and she has horrific bathroom habits. My supporters won’t care about anything else.
Whenever people say anything that I disagree with, I will tell my supporters that those people are stupid idiots and have really bad breath. They will believe me. When asked exactly how I will end terrorism, and make America great again, I will say that I built a lot of big buildings and golf courses and other big shit and they should trust me. They will.
After I am elected, most likely by the largest landslide in history, my book will come out, in which I will reveal to everyone what I have done. They will be appalled and horrified at themselves. They will see the light. The end times will be averted.
My closest advisors are skeptical about my plan. They think it is dangerous and that even the most ill-informed voters won’t fall for it. Tomorrow I will announce my candicacy. I say that there is no limit to what mankind is capable of. They can take that statement any way they choose.