Editor’s note: The act of blogging follows a consistent path. There is the coming up of ideas; the writing of ideas; the hiding under the table while one weeps; the drinking of coffee laced with rum; the self-loathing followed by self-congratulating and then more self-loathing; the watching of TV; the shaking of the fist at not getting Freshly Pressed; the drinking of rum laced with coffee; and the eventual publishing. But sometimes a giant roadblock is thrown up on the path that causes the entire system to break down. This is called writer’s block. This is something all bloggers experience, and if you don’t, please do not tell us because we will wish ill of you. This was something that happened recently, and from despair, an idea was born. Life in the Boomer Lane and Speaker7 decided to swap posts that lingered for centuries in draft form to see what would transpire. Would it be as brilliant as the time Gary Busey and Ted Haggard swapped wives and caused the downfall of civilization? We don’t know. But we do know that no hair pulling or fingernail scratching or bloodshed ensued. So that’s something. The rest is up to you.
*****
Octomom is making a masturbation video. This is either like closing the barn door after the horse has escaped or it is like closing the barn door after eight horses have escaped.
She told TMZ she wants to buy a dungeon with the cash. TMZ goes on to explain that “’dungeon’ is a metaphor — what Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, means is she wants to buy a house that’s far away from everything … preferably in a low-key gated community … where she can ‘hide.’ (Note: TMZ also reported that John Edwards’ famous statement “The bitch isn’t carrying my kid.” was actually a metaphor for “I take full responsibility for my disgraceful behavior and am prepared to accept all consequences.”)
In other Moms-of-the-World news, Tanning Mom posed topless for paparazzi in her driveway. Unlike Octomom, she received no money, but several paparazzi had to be taken to a local emergency room after they exhibited what appeared to be symptoms of intestinal disorder after the photo shoot. Word has it that Tanning Mom, Octomom, and Jersey Shore Mom are collaborating on a scratch-and-sniff book for kids.
Matt Lauer will make $25 million a year per his new contract. Matt Lauer does things like interview Octomom about her masturbation video and skis on sand dunes. (This writer must clarify here: The statement above was actually written by Speaker7, who has an unnatural loathing of all things Matt Lauer. This writer, on the other hand, never actually thinks about Matt Lauer, doesn’t care how much he makes and isn’t bothered at all by the fact that he married an anorexic super model who now has all the money in the world but isn’t using it to buy either a personality or food.)
Kim Kardashian x-rayed her ass to prove it was real and not a Green Bay Packers Inflatable Cheese Butt cushion. Forty-four million Americans do not have health insurance and are forced to rely solely on their word when debating the authenticity of their butts.
In a related development, Kim was asked to x-ray her cranium to prove that there was something there aside from sales receipts. After asking for an explanation of the word “cranium,” she was overheard to have said, “Oh, uh, OK. But why do people have to use big words around me all the time? It’s so annoying. She then went back to looking at her book, Pat the Bunny.
In addition to everything else we have to worry about, there is now “Exploding Head Syndrome.”
Global warming is actually more like global relocating. One of the scarier consequences of global warming is movement of certain populations that can now survive in newly temperate northern climates. Organisms that used to be confined to southern climates are moving north at an accelerated rate, bringing with them a variety of life-threatening illnesses. Scientists are now tracking the northward movement of such scary conditions as malaria, West Nile virus, and Jim DeMint.
Multitaskers are worse at multitasking than most people who don’t multitask. This was an actual statement on an actual website on the actual internet. Reading it again will not help. This is one more indication that people who spend a lot of time online will eventually develop as many brain cells as those contained in Kim Kardashian’s butt. For this reason, this writer will now sign off, as she is starting to experience the effects of Exploding Head Syndrome.
speaker7
May 22, 2012
So, so good. The scratch-and-sniff book in particular. I now know more things I wish I didn’t know from reading this post. If I continue not this track, I will also likely suffer from Exploding Head Syndrome.
speaker7
May 22, 2012
“on” this track. Curse you autocorrect!
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
I think I have been suffering with an undiagnosed case of Exploding Head Syndrome for years. And don’t you wish the system allowed us to correct our comments after we have posted them? Sometimes I hit “Post Comment” and then groan.
gojulesgo
May 22, 2012
Oh my gosh, this is one of the best blogging ideas ever – to swap half-baked draft posts and finish them for each other!
Aside from digging through my draft folder, the only other thing I can think of right now is the likelihood of scorpions migrating to New Jersey due to global warming. That is scarier to me than all of the people you mentioned here combined.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
We could get a whole mess/gaggle/hoard of bloggers to all throw their half-baked messes into a pile and then everyone pulls out the ones they want. Sort of like one of those Insignificant Other parties but without worrying that you will go home empty-handed.
morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer
May 22, 2012
I’ll respond as soon as my exploding head syndrome allows me to think clearly again.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
Mine has never gone away.
pegoleg
May 22, 2012
What a fab-U-lose idea! And a hysterical result. Speaker 7 is a bonafide hoot. Raising steaming mug of rum-laced coffee to both of you.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
Thanks, Peg. I’m thinking we should have a free-for-all some day with posts that never went anywhere.
pegoleg
May 22, 2012
I’m in.
k8edid
May 22, 2012
Me, too.
The Byronic Man
May 22, 2012
How come no one ever demands I x-ray my butt? What kind of meaningless, sad existence have I led that I have no need to x-ray my butt in order to stop the constant harassment in my life?
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
I, for one, would happily post a photo of your x-rayed butt on my blog. Try me.
hangryhippo
May 22, 2012
hilarious. is it safe to x-ray a butt? do i care? thank you for keeping me updated on all the things i now wish i didn’t know.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
You are welcome, and thanks for visiting my world. I spend most of my life informing others of things they wish they didn’t know.
twindaddy
May 22, 2012
I like it!
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
Thanks!
Kathryn McCullough
May 22, 2012
That last one is hilarious. Thank God you mentioned that reading it again won’t help, as I was just about to do that. Love this post idea, Renee. Happy Tuesday.
Hugs,
Kathy
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
Thanks, Kathy. It’s amazing how, just by switching topics with 7, we each became inspired.
toshalot
May 22, 2012
The scratch and sniff book idea part made me almost puke up my a.m. probiotics (that’s all I have in my stomach right now). Too funny!
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
Thanks, Tosha. I think. xxoo
mimijk
May 22, 2012
I can only hope this is ‘freshly pressed’ so others can be comforted with the knowledge that theirs are not the only heads that are bursting. I’m too busy laughing here, nodding my head – I look like a friggin’ bobblehead..
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
Thanks! I think I’ve had this disorder for years. It explains so many things.
mimijk
May 22, 2012
Isn’t that the truth? I can’t wait to explain it to my husband…he thought it was only me.. 🙂
She's a Maineiac
May 22, 2012
This was hysterical! Great idea, you guys!
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
Thanks, Darla. We should try this with a bigger group.
k8edid
May 22, 2012
Everyone could send an unfinished draft to the commenter who commented after them here – the last would send it to the first…It could be hilarious.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
We could do that, or we could create a new blog post to introduce the idea. What do you think?
k8edid
May 22, 2012
Either works for me – new blog post would probably reach more people
k8edid
May 22, 2012
I am amazed (and usually appalled) at the unfinished drafts I have laying (lying?) around in my draft folder. But now I know what is wrong….no rum in my coffee, my head has exploded, and I spend too damned much time trying to multitask.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
Same with me. When I keel over my keyboard and go to the great Blogging Beyond, someone will find all this stuff and either say “What literary brilliance that was kept from the world,” or “I wonder why she didn’t recycle this?’
Emily Cannell
May 22, 2012
I have one question- who could tell the difference between Kim`s head and her butt? They`re both large.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
If I answered the question the way I wanted to, the WordPress Authorities would have me arrested and my computer would be confiscated and Kim Kardashian’s attorneys would all be suing me for slander or worse.
Emily Cannell
May 22, 2012
So many funnies go along with this post that are unprintable. And yet it`s still funny.
chlost
May 22, 2012
I love the idea of trading drafts. Just like football….I’ll trade you the first draft in my folder for three of yours. Maybe we could set up a blog made up only of traded draft picks!
Multitasking: “The act of x=raying your butt whilst your abnormally large head explodes due to excessive intake of coffee and rum, and simultaneously blogging about all of it”.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2012
Oooh, funny. OK, I have to think about this trading drafts. I’m thinking “NFL (Never Finished Literary) Draft Picks.”
chlost
May 22, 2012
That is a great title…go for it!
bestbathroombooks
May 23, 2012
Oh, Man. Just when I’m out I’m in. Speaker 7, where have you been hiding Ms. Boomer?
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 23, 2012
I’ve been in Octomom’s dungeon, folding diapers. Hey, thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane.
Laurie Mirkin
May 23, 2012
I had a friend who put her naked ass on the copying machine at work. It was one of those huge machines that copied, collated, stapled and gave you a ride to Cincinnati if you so chose. She got fired, but not before her ass made the rounds of the office. Thanks for the flashback!
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 23, 2012
You’re welcome. I’m surprised it didn’t also make the rounds online. The question is never why people do what they do. It’s why people do what they do, thinking no one will notice.
Kathy V.
May 23, 2012
“Multitaskers are worse at multitasking than most people who don’t multitask.” That sentence just exploded my head. Now I need Tylenol, but I can’t remember where it is.
Betty Londergan
May 23, 2012
Renee, if you weren’t there to tell me all the things I wish I didn’t know, I wouldn’t have nearly as much entertainment in my life! And Speaker 7, of course, is just the hell’s bells… and don’t ask for whom they toll, as obviously it’s for Matt Lauer (he doesn’t bother me a bit, either, just another guy on TV with a really bad hairdo). As for the file of never finished blogs — I hate to say this because it’s a dead giveaway that I’m hugely lacking in creativity, but I don’t think I have any. I just publish whatever I write, shake my fist at the stingy purveyors of Freshly Pressed largesse, and move on. But can I still be in your cool club??
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 23, 2012
Betty, you have a lifetime membership in the Cool Club. I envy your not having semi-trashed posts. I think my brain is filled with too much nonsense.
Sienna (@datingseniormen)
May 23, 2012
Gosh, I’m new to multi-tasking. Does blogging and chewing gum and listening to Sade all at the same time count?
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 23, 2012
Depends. What kind of gum? If bubble gum, it might.
Rob Rubin
May 23, 2012
I’d be open to swapping blog ideas with one of my readers, except it seems that for some reason 98.6% of them are breastfeeding mommies, and frankly, expressed milk scares me…almost as much as the thought of masturbating to the Octomom.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 23, 2012
Uh, how did that happen?
Rob Rubin
May 23, 2012
One of life’s mysteries. Right up there with how the pyramids were built.
Main Street Musings Blog
May 28, 2012
Clever idea! I won’t burn my drafts after all!
benzeknees
May 31, 2012
I really could care less about anything Kardashian anymore!