Wife Swap: Things I Wish I Didn’t Know

Posted on May 22, 2012

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Editor’s note: The act of blogging follows a consistent path. There is the coming up of ideas; the writing of ideas; the hiding under the table while one weeps; the drinking of coffee laced with rum; the self-loathing followed by self-congratulating and then more self-loathing; the watching of TV; the shaking of the fist at not getting Freshly Pressed; the drinking of rum laced with coffee; and the eventual publishing. But sometimes a giant roadblock is thrown up on the path that causes the entire system to break down. This is called writer’s block. This is something all bloggers experience, and if you don’t, please do not tell us because we will wish ill of you. This was something that happened recently, and from despair, an idea was born. Life in the Boomer Lane and Speaker7 decided to swap posts that lingered for centuries in draft form to see what would transpire. Would it be as brilliant as the time Gary Busey and Ted Haggard swapped wives and caused the downfall of civilization?  We don’t know.  But we do know that no hair pulling or fingernail scratching or bloodshed ensued. So that’s something. The rest is up to you.

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Octomom is making a masturbation video.  This is either like closing the barn door after the horse has escaped or it is like closing the barn door after eight horses have escaped.

She told TMZ she wants to buy a dungeon with the cash. TMZ goes on to explain that “’dungeon’ is a metaphor — what Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, means is she wants to buy a house that’s far away from everything … preferably in a low-key gated community … where she can ‘hide.’ (Note: TMZ also reported that John Edwards’ famous statement “The bitch isn’t carrying my kid.” was actually a metaphor for “I take full responsibility for my disgraceful behavior and am prepared to accept all consequences.”)

In other Moms-of-the-World news, Tanning Mom posed topless for paparazzi in her driveway.  Unlike Octomom, she received no money, but several paparazzi had to be taken to a local emergency room after they exhibited what appeared to be symptoms of intestinal disorder after the photo shoot.  Word has it that Tanning Mom, Octomom, and Jersey Shore Mom are collaborating on a scratch-and-sniff book for kids.

Matt Lauer will make $25 million a year per his new contract.  Matt Lauer does things like interview Octomom about her masturbation video and skis on sand dunes. (This writer must clarify here: The statement above was actually written by Speaker7, who has an unnatural loathing of all things Matt Lauer.  This writer, on the other hand, never actually thinks about Matt Lauer, doesn’t care how much he makes and isn’t bothered at all by the fact that he married an anorexic super model who now has all the money in the world but isn’t using it to buy either a personality or food.)

Kim Kardashian x-rayed her ass to prove it was real and not a Green Bay Packers Inflatable Cheese Butt cushion.  Forty-four million Americans do not have health insurance and are forced to rely solely on their word when debating the authenticity of their butts.

In a related development, Kim was asked to x-ray her cranium to prove that there was something there aside from sales receipts.  After asking for an explanation of the word “cranium,” she was overheard to have said, “Oh, uh, OK.  But why do people have to use big words around me all the time?  It’s so annoying.  She then went back to looking at her book, Pat the Bunny.

In addition to everything else we have to worry about, there is now “Exploding Head Syndrome.” 

Global warming is actually more like global relocating.  One of the scarier consequences of global warming is movement of certain populations that can now survive in newly temperate northern climates. Organisms that used to be confined to southern climates are moving north at an accelerated rate, bringing with them a variety of life-threatening illnesses. Scientists are now tracking the northward movement of such scary conditions as malaria, West Nile virus, and Jim DeMint.

Multitaskers are worse at multitasking than most people who don’t multitask. This was an actual statement on an actual website on the actual internet. Reading it again will not help.  This is one more indication that people who spend a lot of time online will eventually develop as many brain cells as those contained in Kim Kardashian’s butt. For this reason, this writer will now sign off, as she is starting to experience the effects of Exploding Head Syndrome.

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