Ana, You Have No Gag Reflex!

Posted on April 24, 2012


Let us start with a confession: When I wrote my scathing and witty series on The Fifty Shades of Grey books, an astute reader/fellow blogger commented by providing what she felt was the best quote in the book.  Since then, this Sesquipedalian Songstress of Syntax has been trying to find a post to write in which she can use that Grey quote as a title.  Sort of like getting a cute pair of shoes and then spending all of one’s time assembling an outfit to go with it.

Well, I found it, in the form of a Huff/Post piece written by Suzanne Braun Levine.  Braun Levine and I write about all of the exact same issues concerning life over 50: sex, reinvention, sex, arm flaps, and sex.  Braun Levine has two last names.  I has only one  less.

The similarities don’t end there. Braun Levine’s Huff/Post piece is titled “It’s Enough to Make A Unicorn Blush: Our Problem With Talking About Sex,” a follow-up to her blog post titled “Sex, Love and Unicorns.” 

Like Braun Levine, I have also stooped to using an overworked, mythical character to get my point across.  My post, titled: “Older Men, Younger Women: Fact or Unicorn?” was a real hit with readers. As Braun Levin writes about her post, “It got more than 500 comments!” Approximately the same exact number responded to this Petite Pundit’s post, only without two of the zeros and any of the exclamation points.

Braun Levine was the first editor of MS Magazine.  This Epigrammatic Elf is the current editor of the Maywood Community Association Newsletter.  We have each published two books.  Levine’s books were published by Viking Press.  I published mine via iUniverse print-on-demand. Levine depends on research, and ends chapters with boring and tedious references about her sources.  I write about whatever I want to, giving credit to no one.  Why waste time on stupid references when the reader can just move on to something else more fun?

Levine says things like “…when I called Laura Carstensen, a close personal friend who runs the Stanford Center on Longevity…”  I do the same, as in “…when I called Spanky, a close personal friend who has recently been released under her own regognizance…”

What does all of this mean for loyal readers who are now fantasizing about having sex with unicorns?  Nothing.  But I will now will fill you in on Braun Levine’s stunning observations, whether you want them or not:

Many people are uncomfortable talking about sex.  So we won’t do it here.

As we age, more and more things go wrong.  Yes, as we move along the supermarket automatic 10 Items or Less check out belt of life, there are, indeed, more and more things that can go wrong.  Then everything piles up at the end and the person ahead of you is fumbling for their coupons, and all your stuff is in a big pile and you don’t see it because you are reading US Magazine and calculating that the value of Brangelina’s engagement ring diamonds equals the entire wealth of all the countries she is trying to save.

People who last had sex during the Johnson administration, are even more uncomfortable talking about sex than people who last had it during the Clinton administration.

Many commenters said that it’s not what you did but whether it reflected a sense of personal integrity.  This Unheralded Blogger, having little personal integrity out of bed, has even less in bed and so can’t comment.

Erectile dysfunction was a recurring issue.  It popped up more times than the, uh, erectilor.

Researchers don’t like to ask the specifics about sex performed by aging bodies. We don’t either, unless we are wearing sunglasses and have taken our meds.

Sex is better when you see the glass as half full.  It’s even better when the liquid in the half-full glass is alcohol.

I have personally tested the following comment generated by Braun Levine’s post:  “It’s not just about the physical; it’s about connecting with someone so deeply that it transcends all of our problems.”  I am here to report that, in spite of copious amounts of Astroglide, and post-coital love verbalizations consisting mostly of  “I need a towel,” my car still makes scary shrieking noises when I lock or unlock the door, Miracle the Cat is still creating what look like ancient Cambodian temples made out of feces in her litter pan, and most politicians are managing to do even more embarrassing things than I do.