A Guide to Life After 50

Posted on September 13, 2011

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AARP, the folks who used to be scary until we woke up one morning and realized we were one of them, continues to be concerned about the likelihood of us embarrassing ourselves because we have inadvertently lived long enough to remember the day rocks were invented.  They present a list of Don’ts by world-renowned author Jacqueline Mitchard.  On her list is the following:

What Not to Wear: Miniskirts.  Low rise pants.  T shirts that say “Sexy Grandma.” (Apparently “Sexy Grandpa” is OK.)  Super-tight skinny jeans.  Purses with dogs on or in  them.  Chains, even if gold.

This not world-renowned Boomer’s Suggestion for Additional Items Not to Wear:  Anything that bares the midriff.  Anything that bares the  thighs (unless one is on the beach and has failed to find a swimsuit with long pants attached).  Anything artificially ripped, frayed, and/or bleached (unless you are on a desert island, and the only other person with you is a volleyball with a face painted on it.)  Anything that has any kind of slogan whatsoever that was purchased at a beach resort. Muumuus (not allowed even if you are at a luau). Shorts with black socks and dress shoes.  White belts.  Holiday theme sweaters. Anything sold by the Quacker Factory Lady (especially items sold before The QFL died.)

Things Never to Do: Jell-O shots.  Karaoke after Jell-O shots.  Crowd surfing inthe mosh pit.  Visible tats. Collecting owls made of shells, frogs made of ceramic, lawn gnomes made of anything.

This Boomer’s Suggestion for Additional Things Never to Do:  Karaoke, period.  Facial piercing.  Excessive cleavage.  Cheek implants.  Hair implants.  Failure to remove nose and/or ear hair.  Attendance at any event having a mosh pit.

Words to Ax: Panties. Smashed. Sick! Whatever. I’m like…  Totes. Hot. Kick it.

This Boomer’s Suggestion for Additional Words to Ax: Far out.  Bummer.  Drag (unless one is at a tractor pull, and that alone, has it’s own set of problems).  Going all the way.

Lest Boomers get unduly depressed about all thethings to avoid, AARP provides the following list of What to Do at Least Once: Create a boundary in life; then take down a wall.  Write long hand-written letters to your children and grandchildren.  Put your wedding photos in an album before your 25th anniversary and finish your kid’s baby book before his 25th birthday.  Start telling the truth, every day.  Stand up for what you believe.   Dance outside at night in a foreign land.  Be able to retire but say, the hell with it.  I’m going strong.

This Boomer’s Suggestion for What to Do at Least Once:  Flirt with the mailman, the guy at the dry cleaners, a dog walking down the street, a toddler on a bus or the Metro.  Do something that scares you and gets you to move from Point A to Point B.  Do something else that scares you just so you can say you did it.  Tell a hot young guy out in the world that he is simply adorable and watch him blush.  Write your life/start a blog/keep a gratitude journal.  Throw out/give away/sell half of what you have. Visit the place your were born and where you spent your childhood.  Visit the place your parents were born. (If you can, take them with you.) Videotape or record the voices of the oldest people in your family.  Leave a comment on this post, adding your own wisdom.

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