The Day After Hate

I’m forgoing my intended post for today, in which I was to reveal the true meaning of life, the results of the upcoming presidential election, and what is the best source for do-it-yourself dentistry. Instead, I’m going to share with you some of the blogs I discovered when I was perusing the tsunami of comments that washed over me and invaded every orifice of my body as the result of the Valentine’s Day post that went Freshly Pressed and won Best Supporting Actress in a Musical Comedy, all on the same day.  Here goes:

Will Cooke I will let Asher speak:  In a post titled  “Sometimes Our Gifts Come in the Form of Challenges,” he begins this way, …but first: you can use ground-up cereal in place of bread crumbs when you’re making meatballs and so forth. I discovered this last night. Works beautifully, maybe actually better than bread crumbs (that or else I am slowly getting better at making hamburgers, as I have now made them, like, four whole times)…  This is what captured me, this seemingly nonsensical segue that was anything but.

Asher: Young man. Student. Cyclist.  Trauma survivor. Cook.  Gay definer of ‘intersex’ “Intersex  is like catching the moon in a barrel – just when you think you’ve got it, it turns out you only had a pale reflection.”  Beautiful crafter of words.  Beautifully human.

Snotting Black  Another young one.  In her own words, “I am a freshly graduated human studying Arabic in Cairo for the year (until May 2012).”  Her blog subtitle is “All Facts Have Been Removed for Your Safety.”  She’s sharp, caustic, wise beyond years, and utterly addictive.

The Stormy Blonde  Debbie Downer is a mere piker, compared to this one. There is nothing that escapes her dagger.  Her homepage proclaims  “This blog makes me glad I have a son to be proud of instead” – Mum   She writes about women with boyfriends who, when she tells them she doesn’t have a date for Valentine’s Day, say:

Oh that’s a shame, Bob – you know Bob? My multimillionaire Russell & Bromley model of a boyfriend with abs that could slice through a frozen mammoth? – yes, well, Bob is taking me scuba diving in the Maldives so we can eat chocolate covered strawberries underwater with dolphins and simultaneously pleasure each other with oxygen masks.

Analyse On is a brand new blogger. So she’s still got stars (or lint) in her eyes.  Her stuff is funny. In her post, “Are You a ‘Like’ Whore?” she writes,

Are you the one who goes around ‘liking’ any random post to increase your blog traffic? I’m ok with it, really, just as long as you keep some kind of standard. I mean, did you really find that gardening post on ‘how to pull on menacing weeds’ interesting? I know. I was confused by the sexual innuendo, too.

Trust the Devil You Know Here is the only thing I know about the author of this blog: Offending nearly everyone since the mid ’70s.  I’m probably sitting next to you right now. Also that she is a journalist.  And that I think may live in South Africa.  And that she does not offend me at all.  She inspires me and intrigues me and makes me want to keep reading.

This, from one of her posts: South Africa is the queen mother of all brothels. When you talk to a man with soft hands who claims to have killed an elephant, you have to wonder what reason a man with soft hands has for doing such a thing. Unlike Heart Disease and Type 2 Diabetes, elephants are not high on the 1st world list of threats to humanity.  

Check these people out, because I think they deserve to be read.  If this were a small bar on some forgotten road, I’d be in the audience, about to discover them.  But hell, no one has discovered me yet, so I’m not sure how that even happens. If anyone out there knows, fill me in.  And if you’re important, discover me. Or give me ice cream. Something. Thanks.