The recent identification of a Mad Cow in California is not to be taken lightly. Mad Cow Disease is frightening on several levels. But this writer knows squat about the intricacies of bovine spongiform encephalopathy so she will leave the big scientific stuff to the scientists.
What she does know about is Angry Cow Disease, a real condition that has the potential to ruin our lives. Angry Cow Disease is caused by production of methane by ruminants (as opposed to those who ruminate). There are about 150 species of ruminants which include both domestic and wild species. Livestock are ruminants. Cows are livestock. There are a lot of cattle all over the planet.
Globally, ruminant livestock account for about 28% of global methane emissions from human-related activities. They are one of the largest methane sources. In the U.S., cattle emit about 5.5 million metric tons of methane per year into the atmosphere, accounting for 20% of U.S. methane emissions. This is why we don’t have cows living in our homes, or even just invite them to dinner parties. Cows, themselves, get annoyed when they have to stand so close to each other out in the field.
We all know about climate change, specifically global warming. What is lesser known is that all the methane being expelled into the air is a real culprit in the scenario. Extreme weather events can wreak havoc on agriculture, water sources and coastlines. Tropical diseases and pests that affect plants and animals could increase their range. So land mass would shrink, while insect habitations would get larger. Have nightmares about that, if you will.
Of all ruminants, scientists have targeted beef cows as producing especially noxious levels of methane. A spokescow for the World Ruminant Council had this to say:
“We are appalled that, once again, our integrity is being maligned. In all of history, we have been the scapegoat. Jack sold his cow for a handful of beans. I mean, really. Had he kept the cow, he would have had the effects of endless bean production right at his doorstep. Oh, but I hear your little squeals. Magic beans, magic beans! Up the beanstalk, kill the giant, get the gold! Right. According to my calculations, Jack would have had just enough time to unwisely invest in tulip futures before the Dutch Tulip Bubble of 1637 occurred and he and his family were back to eating grubworms and wearing shoes without soles.
“And let’s talk the Great Chicago Fire: Bessie the Cow tips over a lantern and a major American city goes up in flames. Please. If I had eaten my lunch recently, I’d be gagging now. Mrs. Catherine O’Leary and her cow were publicly blamed for starting the fire for many years, until evidence came out that the story was fabricated for dramatic effect by a journalist, and Mrs O’Leary was officially exonerated. Poor Bessie was never exonerated. The World Ruminant Council has now hired attorneys to represent the descendants of the Bessie Family and lobbying Congress to clear the family name.
“And the worst. Oprah. I can’t even say that woman’s name without activating my IBS, thereby producing even more methane than normal. We give our lives to put bacon cheeseburgers into her mouth and she rewards us with a lawsuit that plays out on national TV. I’m honestly not sure which makes my milk curdle faster, the negative things being said about my kind or the launching of Dr Phil into the pages of US magazine. Come on, folks. Anyone want to sneak into her house now and watch her eat? My bet is she isn’t existing on a ruminant’s diet. She’s existing on ruminants.”
The Spokescow’s angry tirade didn’t escape Rush Limbaugh, who spoke about it recently on his radio show. “Needless to say, I’m following these events carefully. I’ve always believed that the serious consequences of methane production have been fabricated, especially as it relates to global warming, which doesn’t exist anyway. I, personally, will continue to be a proud supporter of the production of methane on my show.”
John
April 27, 2012
About time we heard both sides of the story.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 27, 2012
I’m an equal opportunity employer.
Kathryn McCullough
April 27, 2012
This one is a total gas!
Holding nose,
Kathy
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 27, 2012
I’ll take the high road, here. Thanks.
Kathryn McCullough
April 28, 2012
Probably a good idea. God, I can’t believe I made that comment. Yikes!
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 28, 2012
It was funny! I have the mind of an 11 year old boy at times, and I was trying to rein myself in from taking your comment even further.
Carl D'Agostino
April 27, 2012
A bigger problem is that “bought off” and ineffective elephants and donkeys in that big barn in Washington. DC.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 27, 2012
Good one, Carl.
Running from Hell with El
April 27, 2012
The bit at the end with Rush is *classic*!! LOL. He’s been sort of quiet lately hasn’t he?
She's a Maineiac
April 27, 2012
I’m sure he’s saving it all up for something big, El. Remind me to never become trapped inside his studio during a future taping.
Running from Hell with El
April 27, 2012
LOL. I cannot watch him for more than 2 minutes (absolute tops). Gah!
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 27, 2012
I mentioned Rush because he has been TOO quiet. I know he’s resting, doing deep research in antcipation of the campaign. We will all be overwhelmed with the methane that will spew from him.
My Inner Chick
April 27, 2012
First of all– Rush Stinks. Badly.
Second, I cannot give blood because I lived in Enland for over a year.
I said to the nurse, “Should I be Scared?” & she said, “Yeah, if you start walking in circles.”
It’s NOT funny!
Xx
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 27, 2012
That is wild. I’ve never heard of that. May daughter and grandsons live in London. Yikes.
My Inner Chick
April 27, 2012
ENGLAND!
Audubon Ron
April 27, 2012
Feature this, we are leaving Ruth Chris’ Steak House and Ron, that would be me, is driving. On the ride home someone hears a noise. It sounds like a muffled burp, only longer. Ron says, “Tree Frog!” Then someone, that would be my mother, yells, “Cheeses Ron!” Then she pulls out a match. Someone else yells, “No, don’t lite that, methane on board!” See, you have to think of these kinds of scenarios b/c we need to ban cows meat from our diet. Not only is it a fire, safety issue, but they also have an adverse impact on our economy. When we go to the store we find that a slab of cow is: TOO DAMN HIGH! Then, you got wonder, did this cow go through anger management counseling? So many things to consider.
Got to think of these things.
Now we love cows. Why? B/c they make ice cream. THAT, makes utter sense to me. Squeeze a cow, but never eat it, I say. As you can see, I read-up on this topic. Just another wonderful paper on the matter by yours truly.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 27, 2012
I thank you for this enlightening comment, Ron.
speaker7
April 27, 2012
Even the spokescow recognizes Dr. Phil’s methane-like mouth. Hear, hear!
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 27, 2012
You bet.
List of X
April 27, 2012
Let us all pray to the Holy Cow for the speedy recovery of those afflicted with the Mad Cow Disease, finished the spokescow…
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 27, 2012
I wish I had thought of that line.
List of X
April 27, 2012
saved you some thinking, then 🙂
Carol R Craley
April 27, 2012
Has anyone figured out how to run cars on methane, or heat houses??
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 28, 2012
Ever the intrepid journalist, I just Binged (my son works for Microsoft so I must be loyal) methane-propelled cars. The answer was: Coalbed methane, yes. Animal methane: Apparanty the San Diego zoo has vehicles powered by animal methane.
benzeknees
April 28, 2012
I thought we had all kinds of ways of recycling methane to run our cars & heat our houses? Now where did I read this? Can’t think – maybe it was the hamburger I had for dinner. 🙂
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 28, 2012
Congress is currently in methane production activity.
tanoshinde
May 1, 2012
There’s some of this going on in Vermont (where else?) under the banner of ‘cow power:’
http://www.cvps.com/cowpower/
Snoring Dog Studio
April 28, 2012
I better not ever drive up to a gas station to find hoses coming out of cows’ behinds. That’s the day I stop driving altogether.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 28, 2012
Scatalogical response to this comment will be withheld.
nrhatch
April 28, 2012
A MOO-ving piece about BBS (Bovine Bowel Syndrome). Thanks for shining the spotlight into the hidden recesses of a cow’s intestinal proclivities. 😯
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 29, 2012
Ooh, so good, Nancy.
writingfeemail
April 29, 2012
Love the crack about congress. They give me gas sometimes as well. And that picture of the cow – yikes.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 30, 2012
Thanks. Yes, unfortunately Congress has provided a lot of material lately for humor.
Lynne Spreen
April 30, 2012
The idea of Rush and methane. Ewww.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 30, 2012
They sort of go together like baked beans and sausage, no?
Main Street Musings Blog
April 30, 2012
If the spokescow’ the scapegoat, he’s angry AND confused! 😉
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 30, 2012
So funny. I thought about that as I wrote it, then the thought fell into the same black hole in my brain as is sucking up all the other thoughts.
pegoleg
April 30, 2012
Whether they’re mad, angry or just slightly peeved – riled up cows are a bad thing.
I could have sworn the last Oprah magazine cover showed her feeding a cheeseburger to Steadman.