Life in the Boomer Lane seriously hates beating dead horses. And she doesn’t know why anyone would want to do that anyway, but apparently there must have been a time in the past when people actually did beat dead horses, or the phrase never would have come into existence. Did they do it or fun on the farm? Or have some kind of horse-beating contest at county fairs? Or believe that dead horses could come back to life or turn into killer zombies if you didn’t keep beating them? But LBL digresses. Time to beat a dead horse. This one about airport security. LBL knows she has already lost half of you who are tired of hearing about this issue.
LBL left London this past Thursday. She flew out of Heathrow. When she checked in, the Virgin Atlantic rep frowned at her passport (she thought this was totally uncalled for. Doesn’t everyone’s passport photo look like they just escaped from a mental institution?) but issued her a boarding pass anyway.
LBL went through Security. she set off the metal detector as usual (It’s tough not to when your body has so much metal in it that you could be your own auto show) and got subjected to the usual full body pat down for the amusement and edification of small children traveling with their parents. At this point, she is usually, as they say, “home free.” Not on this trip. When she arrived at her gate, she was called aside. Her carry on suitcase was searched (Thank goodness her colorful Hanky Panky panties were on top, and not her food-encrusted clothing from feeding her grandson) and she was subjected to another full body pat down.
In Customs on US soil, the Customs Officer asked LBL a lot of questions and did a lot more frowning and mumbled something like “Well, they are going to ask you some silly questions, but you’ll just have to answer them.” LBL wasn’t really paying attention because her body was, at that moment, having an unusually large reaction to having carried around her 30 plus lbs grandson for a week. This consisted of all body parts suddenly going berserk with excruciating pain.
At the final checkpoint, LBL flashed her Customs Entry Card and said she was in a lot of pain, but aside from that, she had nothing to declare. LBL started to walk through the exit and the Security Guard said, “Not so fast. You have to go to that room over there,” and pointed to the extremely large “C” in magic marker that LBL had failed to notice, that was covering her customs card.
The room that LBL was sent to looked exactly like some nightmare combination of the DMV and Gitmo: Three lines (LBL was directed to Line C) and off to the side, at least 50 people who looked like they had been waiting there for most of their adult lives. No bathroom, no water, no nothing. There were about 100 suitcases piled up against the wall. LBL is a smart person, able to put two and two together and, under most circumstances, to come up with four or something darn close. This time, “four” equaled “really, really bad scene.”
When it was LBL’s turn, after many minutes, she limped to the Large Security Officer. They had the following exchange, as he carefully went through her passport and scowled numerous times at the computer screen:
LBL: Uh, was I randomly chosen to go to this room?
LSO: No one is randomly chosen for this room. We know why you are here, and believe me, you never want to be sent to this room. Line A? Contraband goods. Fruit. Vegetables. Things like that. Line B? Documentation issues. Line C? Well, let’s just say, “other” issues. Remember, we are the First Line of Defense for the United States.
LBL (bowels loosening rather quickly): So what happens now?
LSO: Well, it seems your name triggered an alert in the system. We have to eyeball you to make sure you aren’t the person we are afraid you are.
LBL used her remaining energy to try to look like a grandmother who had recently made Chanukah cookies with her grandson and was now writhing in arthritic pain. Apparently, she succeeded. She was able to leave The Room. Gingerly.
(Note to any terrorists by the name of Renee Fisher: If you could possibly change your name, LBL would really appreciate it. Thanks.)
duke1959
December 5, 2010
What an insult. News Flash. There are better ways to blow something up than an airplane. Walk down any city in America and you could set off wide spread panic.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 5, 2010
Agreed!!! And contaband fruits and vegetables? People are being detained for that?
duke1959
December 5, 2010
Of course we are talking about the government versus common sense.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 5, 2010
I try so hard to be understanding of the TSA employees, since they didn’t make the rules. But I had an event occur on the way to London and I spoke to a supervisor about it. She wasy understanding and suggested I lodge a formal complaint. The whole thing is mind-numbing.
auntbethany
December 5, 2010
Are you kidding me? Unbelievable…I’m sorry that you had to go through all that. Hopefully someone somewhere is going to take that bad karma and give you a wonderful Christmas gift?!?
lifeintheboomerlane
December 5, 2010
Thanks for reading, and thanks for the thought. And, amazingly enough, I went to a fundraiser last night for a group of halfway houses. I won the big raffle ($115) and was able to donate it right back to them. I was thrilled out of my mind, since I never win anything. Made me feel great. So that was my reward.
Gayane
December 5, 2010
Have always wondered about “the room” where they take the contraband fruits, caviar, mortadella…… to say nothing about the bins full of discarded lotions and potions…..and my lovely (now very vintage) tiny Swiss Army knife with a tiny nail file and teenie tiny scissors which also had a teeny tiny light……They must have quite a party in there after hours…..maybe I should look on eBay for my Swiss Army knife……
lifeintheboomerlane
December 5, 2010
The sight of all those suitcases stacked up was beyond creepy. And those poor people. They were all sitting there so patiently.
TexasTrailerParkTrash
December 5, 2010
Wow, how scary! My bowels would have loosened quickly too.
But it reminded me of the episode on “I Love Lucy” where she smuggles a 30 pound cheese on board a plane by wrapping it up to look like a baby. I read on tv.com that the idea for Lucy bringing home the cheese on the plane came from Bob Carroll, Jr., one of the main writers for the show. As he was going through customs, a man in front of him carried a 20lb. wheel of cheese. The customs officials cut up the cheese because they thought the man was smuggling jewels.
Famous quote from Ricky: “I am not the father of that cheese!”
lifeintheboomerlane
December 5, 2010
That’s hilarious. Last Thanksgiving I wrote a post called “Snuggling Babies Across Borders” about trying to get my grandson through Customs between France and the UK, with no passport or any other kind of idenity. That was a wild one, as well.
carldagostino
December 5, 2010
Few years back my friend Len tried to leave from Boston to return to Miami with family wearing the souvenir FBI t-shirt he picked up in DC. He finally got home after 3 days. I’ll let you use your experienced imagination as to what he went through in those 3 days. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. It got more intense when he told them he was just a 4th grade teacher (which he really was) for the learning disabled.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 5, 2010
Unbelievable. Or actually, believable. Makes my story a mere hiccup. I’ll have to remember never to wear an FBI shirt (no matter how much I might want to).
writerwoman61
December 5, 2010
Hi Renée:
Glad you made it home in one piece…sorry you were subjected to that!
My mom had two artificial knees…she always set off the metal detector at the airport!
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
December 6, 2010
Funny, I have titanium rods all up and down my spine, but I never set off the metal detectors. Then I got an artificial knee, and all hell broke loose.
sunshineinlondon
December 6, 2010
What an awful experience – glad you can reflect on it with laughter. Must have been pretty scary.
Hope you’re in less pain now? xx
lifeintheboomerlane
December 6, 2010
I recovered quickly, thank goodness. Now all I have are fabulous photos and great memories. I told my daughter, I’m staying for a month next time!
sunshineinlondon
December 6, 2010
Yay!
Snippets & Yarns
December 6, 2010
I really am sick of hearing about all this stuff – not because I want people to stop talking about it, but because I want it to stop happening. I do not believe they are making us any safer by doing this, but instead are making people avoid flying. I hate that our beloved country has fallen to this.
~ Meagan
lifeintheboomerlane
December 6, 2010
I know, and I debated about whether to even post what happened, for exactly that reason.
Snippets & Yarns
December 7, 2010
It is important to speak out when things like this happen. People need to keep talking about it, and getting mad about it. That’s the only way we have a chance of getting things fixed.
Thank you for sharing your story with us
~ Meagan
Hippie Cahier
December 7, 2010
> . . . my colorful Hanky Panky panties were on top. . . .and I was subjected to another full body pat down. . . (and then singled out for the special room)<
I can't help but think there is some causal relationship with the panties.
lifeintheboomerlane
December 7, 2010
Good thinking. And I don’t even wear the 4911’s (the really small ones). I’m a 4811 girl.