Life in the Boomer Lane is about to leave for London. Again. Because her three kids all live at a distance (three different distances, to be precise), LBL now does a fair amount of traveling. And, because LBL has enough metal in her body to build a washer/dryer, Airport Security is always a blast (Whoops, wrong choice of words.) she meant an “experience.” In fact, LBL doesn’t even have to be concerned about liquids, aerosols, cuticle scissors, pin cushions, etc, because her body, itself, is the featured attraction.
Added to that, as though it were possible to add anything else to the mix, LBL has now been given a letter from her cardiologist stating that she has radioactive isotopes cavorting in places they shouldn’t, the result of a test she had a couple weeks ago. The test was, as everyone suspected it would be, negative, but nobody told the little isotopes to vacate the premises in a timely manner. So LBL has been told that Airport Security will pick them up in addition to all the metal.
If Airport Security celebrated holidays, this would be the equivalent of Cinco de Mayo. Lights will flash, buzzers buzz, more fortunate (and less metallicized) travelers will give me wide berth. LBL will be read her Miranda Rights of Travel, she will refuse private screening, the Full Body Pat Down will begin. Some male travelers will sneak secret glances. Some female travelers will adjust their bra straps without even realizing it. Parents will shield their children’s eyes. LBL will calculate how many minutes she has before the door to the gate closes, and she is left standing alone with her carry on, earrings, bracelet, novel, purse, passport, and shoes.
LBL is tough. More than tough, she is sort of distracted. While all the mayhem is going on, she tends to spend more time thinking about what she forgot to pack than the fact that TSA hands are flying all over her body (“Now she is going to run her hand under each breast. Oh she means bra cup”).
LBL thought she was prepared. That is, until she saw a photo of Lady Gaga going through Airport Security. For those of you who don’t know Lady Gaga, she isn’t a relative of Queen Elizabeth. She is The World’s Biggest Pop Phenomenon. Doesn’t matter. Here’s what LBL saw:
Excuse me? Is LBL missing something? No bells ringing? No pat down? No nothing? Gaga explains it this way: “You have to feel good in (sic) what you wear, even if it’s a little crazy.” That’s it? Feel good? That’s enough to keep TSA Folks’ hands in their pockets (or on each other) and not on LBL?
OK then. LBL is ready. Hey TSA, here she comes. When the buzzers buzz and the flashers flash, LBL will just keep strolling along like nothing happened. And, then, when she is wrestled to the ground by approximately 1000 lbs of uniformed Security Police, she’ll just say “Hey, I have to feel good about what is inside my body, even if it’s a little crazy.”
Then LBL will call a lawyer from her hospital room.
Gayane
November 12, 2010
I prefer the body scan machine rather than the pat down…I think…..who knows, next they might say it’s got harmful rays of some sort…..
Have a good trip, can’t wait for the London posts!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 12, 2010
12 days…
cocktailsattiffanys
November 12, 2010
I am wearing gaga’s outfit the next time I fly!
-Lucky
lifeintheboomerlane
November 12, 2010
Thanks for reading, Lucky. Yes, great idea. We should all wear it, men and women.
Snippets & Yarns
November 12, 2010
I’m still trying to figure out exactly what it IS that she’s wearing… I think it’s the left half of a jacket, and the top couple inches of a skirt. Although that may just be a belt. I can’t tell.
Haha! TSA was probably too shocked that someone would wear that in public, they just simply forgot to stop her!
Good luck on your next trip!
~ Meagan
izziedarling
November 12, 2010
Yikes, Life! I have no metal in my body, wear flip flops and yoga gear to fly (read: practically nothing) and I always get hauled over to the “feel me off” lane, complete with lights, whistles, and stern looks from Grandmothers. Meh! Sorry you have to do this, but you’ll be in London and it’s crispy nice this time of year. Have fun?
lifeintheboomerlane
November 12, 2010
Oh, no. I’d be really annoyed if they did that to me for no reason. The least they can do is have a rubber chicken fall from the ceiling with a prize in its beak. Yes, I will be a good, compliant little traveler and just stand there and think about London. 12 days to go.
Rea
November 12, 2010
Love the post. Why don’t you throw on some metal S&M lingerie under your clothes are really make those security guards day?
lifeintheboomerlane
November 12, 2010
Thanks for reading. And BTW, I am, as I write this, going crazy over that site Sartorialist. Ah, metal S&M lingerie. That would elevate Cinco de Mayo to Mardi Gras, for sure.
carldagostino
November 12, 2010
Some people could never get on a plane. Some have lead in their butt, brass for personality, and wills of steel. Some nice people, though, have hearts of gold! (or on their teeth)Many people are very plastic too. Some have not come of age yet and are just an old lump of coal – but will be a diamond someday.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 12, 2010
Funny guy. I’m glad I presented you with an opportunity to use your prodigious wordsmith abilities.
Carl D'Agostino
November 13, 2010
I am not Prodigious. No way! I’m Presbyterian. The Prodigians pray too long, sing too loud and service ends at 1:00PM which means you miss the first quarter of the football game.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 13, 2010
Ah, that old feud between the Prodigions and the Presbyterians. It’s legendary.
sunshineinlondon
November 12, 2010
If you’re going to dress like Lady Gaga, make sure you bring a cardigan with you. London’s chilly. 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
November 13, 2010
I’m not looking forward to that. Weather here has been sunny and in the 60s. I’m afraid to look at the weather forecast there. Brrr. LG will have to wait.
writerwoman61
November 13, 2010
Have a great trip, Renée! I’m sure you could rock that outfit Lady Googa has on!
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
November 13, 2010
I still have 12 days before I leave. I think I would clear the terminal if I had that outfit on.
Teri
November 13, 2010
Wow, she does actually dress that way in public. I’m sort of stunned. I thought it was just her stage thing. Well, if she can pull it off no reason you can’t. I say go for it with confidence! 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
November 13, 2010
Thanks for reading. It’s some kind of lesson. I’m just not sure of what.
Walker
November 13, 2010
The patdown- kinda like a poorly executed petting session! Would be the only sexual activity I’ve had in a while.. maybe I should book a flight somewhere?
Have fun and maintain your sense of humor!
lifeintheboomerlane
November 13, 2010
So funny. You are right. I didn’t think of that. Sort of like 8th grade, when the guy put his hands all over you without REALLY putting his hands all over you. I leave in 11 days. Hurray.
subWOW
November 13, 2010
I got nothing. Lady Gaga has made all the statements for all of us. That must be why I am always rendered speechless whenever I chance to see a report on her (since I watch little TV and in general stay away from celeb mags)…
lifeintheboomerlane
November 14, 2010
I find it fascinating that in the celebrity world, , where it seems everything has been done to wretched excess, she has managed to make a statement and draw attention to herself without drugs, alcohol, car/person bashing, or general mayhem.
gloriadelia
November 14, 2010
That outfit’s a crime! She should have been arrested. But, I bet 1,000 lbs or more of airport security WANTED to tackle her to the ground. 🙂
lifeintheboomerlane
November 14, 2010
Thanks for reading. And I’m laughing.
Hippie Cahier
November 18, 2010
You know, until I read this, I never in a bajillion years would’ve pictured myself in a meat suit. Now I’m thinking it’s a practical travel outfit.
lifeintheboomerlane
November 18, 2010
Just stay away from a pack of wild dogs.
Trinity Rivers
July 19, 2013
I’ve been contemplating flying in my pajamas from now on. They’re comfortable and no wires or zippers. Fortunately, so far, I don’t have any metal INSIDE my body yet.
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 19, 2013
Given what I’ve seen people fly in, you could do worse.