My iPhone is Bigger Than Your iPhone

Posted on May 30, 2017

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Life in the Boomer Lane has a long history of technology failure.  Most of these experiences can best be summed up by Now Husband as:

  1. What you are telling me isn’t possible.
  2. You must have pressed the wrong button.
  3. It works perfectly when I do it.

Response #1 has also been vocalized by numerous online and in-store tech support people, as well as various physicians who listen to LBL’s latest physical malady. But, since this post is about technology, LBL will now focus on that, and leave her ongoing inexplicable physical complaints for a future time.

The latest series of mysteries began when LBL purchased her iPhone 6, a marvel of technological wizardry, 95% of which remained unused by LBL.  Shortly after purchasing the phone, she noticed that, sometimes, when she hung up from a call, the phone called someone else on her call list.  Now Husband listened to her complaint and responded with items 1 and 2 on the list above. The Apple store personnel responded with item 1. LBL continued to muck around with her phone and spend a lot of time explaining to people that her phone had called them on its own.

When the iPhone 7 came out, LBL was intrigued, mostly because it would be a reason to ditch the iPhone 6, which was, by now, not only calling LBL’s contacts on a regular basis, but creating its own social life.  After listening to an explanation of iPhone 7 pricing from Verizon, and, being assured by the salesperson that spending several hours of further explanation would do no more to have her understand the payment plan any better, she ordered the iPhone 7 Plus.

When the iPhone 7 arrived and was loaded and ready to go, everything worked perfectly for about five minutes.  Then, the random calls began. LBL went back to the Apple store and the Apple personnel responded with item #1.

This continued for about six months, until several new not-possible items manifested. One was that the phone screen would no longer rotate. If this were Goldilocks and the Three Bears, this would be the baby bear’s bowl.  The second item was that the screen would freeze and the phone had to be turned off and then on again to reset, the Mama Bear’s bowl. The third was that, weeks before, LBL had searched Seattle’s intention of having their city be a Trump-free zone. After that, every time LBL wanted to search Trump, that same website came up. This was the Big Kahuna, the Papa Bear’s bowl.

A trip to the Apple store resulted in these items being fixed. LBL, especially impressed that Apple was able to make Trump disappear, asked the Apple employee if he was able to do that in reality. His response was noncommittal.

LBL left the Apple store, feeling that, finally, all was right with the world. Several days later, after a brief respite, LBL’s phone ended its anti-social behavior and began  calling people again.  Then, the Trump/Seattle website reappeared. Last, a new glitch appeared, which made the others seem tame in comparison.

A week ago, LBL had a long text conversation with her seven-year-old grandson. This involved her grandson sending LBL numerous tricks he had mastered on the cell, such as cursive-in-progress, sparkles and light bursts, and various other assorted magical manifestations. The result was a never-ending stream of items that left LBL amazed and dumbfounded.

LBL for her part, responded with the only tricks she knew: gifs and bitmojis. For those readers who aren’t acquainted with either, LBL advises you to be grateful. One of the bitmojis LBL sent to her grandson was a depiction of herself and a cat, lying down.  Two days later, LBL attempted to text a client. What appeared was the bitmoji of herself and the cat, completely inappropriate to send to someone who was considering writing an offer on a property.  Neither her bitmoji nor the cat would exit the screen. All communication to the client now had to switch to email or phone. Subsequently, her next text to someone also included herself and the very same cat.

LBL drove immediately back to the Apple Store.  This time, the employee did not use any of the three responses at the beginning of this post. Instead, he added a fourth:

4. That’s a cute cat.

LBL replied that, cute or not, she wanted to stop using that bitmoji as, unfortunately, her cat was currently deceased.  And it appeared that her phone was, as well.

Now, LBL has a brand new iPhone 7 Plus, compliments of Apple.  So far, it has not initiated communication with any of her friends or clients. Nor has the screen frozen. Texts have not included a bitmoji of herself and the cat.  Yesterday, on the other hand, the unwanted Trump reappeared, an ominous sign under any circumstances, whether one is talking about technology or anything else.

 

 

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