Go to Craft Fairs or Become A Lesbian

Posted on August 4, 2010

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Elisabeth Hasselbeck thinks a lot of older lesbians would have turned out straight if they could only land a man.  The co-host of “The View” said older women who have led heterosexual lives are choosing same-sex partners because men their age are chasing younger women.

“All the older men are going for younger women, leaving the women with no one,” Hasselbeck said on Tuesday.

Because Life in the Boomer Lane doesn’t watch “The View,” she was a bit behind on this late-breaking news item.  First, she thought about the “All the older men are going for younger women” thing.  Virtually all of the women she knows who entered relationships after age 50 are with men roughly their age.  She could only think of one woman who, in her early sixties, married an eighty year old man.  “He’s very healthy and active,” she explained, “and financially, I’ll never want for anything.”  Just to make sure of that, she stood her ground and demanded a pre-nup before marrying him.  I guess you have to do that if you marry an eighty year old.  But unlike the Anna Nicole Smith Technique, she actually loves the guy.  I get it.  He just happens to be older.  And he wasn’t looking for a younger woman.  He just happened to fall in love with her.

The next part about the lesbian thing was going to be a bit trickier.  LBL decided to do her own research. But first, she started by asking Now Husband’s opinion, since he generally has strong opinions about everything in the known universe.  His exact words were “Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a friggin’ idiot,” which coincidently, is the exact term he has used in the past for certain unnamed Congressmen, as well as Miracle the Cat.

 LBL decided to poll Sex-and-the-Sixty-Year-Old Susan.  She asked her if she ever considered being a lesbian.  She told me she thought I was really cute, but she didn’t want to date me.  Then she asked her friend Jean, another sixty-something single woman, if she had considered becoming a lesbian.  Jean said no but expressed concern that LBL was unhappy in her marriage and offered to coach her.  A third friend asked LBL if she were writing one of “those column things” again.

LBL switched gears.  She called a long-time friend, a lesbian.  She asked her opinion.  Her friend said the only lesbians she knew were women who had been so since approximately some time between birth and early adulthood.  And, because she is a nurse and a super caring person, she directed LBL to websites dealing with post-menopausal emotional issues and wished her the best of luck.

Then I thought long and hard (no veiled reference here) about what I would do if I didn’t have Dan and had no other man in my life.  I decided I would probably be going to a lot more craft shows.  I’d also probably be watching the Kardashians on TV, something I’m too mortified to do when Dan is around.  Aside from that, I don’t think anything would change.

I know my research is totally anecdotal and I didn’t conduct it in a lab or use rats or placebos.  But I do think it pretty much answers the question and provides me with a bona fide scientific conclusion:

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a friggin’ idiot.

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