(Phone rings) National Enquirer, here. If it bites, we write. If it shrieks, we leak. If it smells, we yell.
Uh, hi. I have a story that you guys should write.
OK. Hillary Adopts Bill’s Alien Love Child? Elvis-Worshipping Tribe Found in Jungle? Brangelina Double Sex Change Surgery? GOP Considers Bigfoot Nomination? Severed Leg Hops to Hospital? Name it.
Uh, sex scandal. Ted Cruz.
OK, lay it on me.
I think Ted had a mistresses.
Not even worth printing.
How about two?
You are wasting my time, Bud.
OK, five, but no more. I have my principles.
All right, I can run with five. Do any of them have reptile parts or are demented clowns?
I don’t think so.
You’re making this tough on me. What’s your source?
Uh, me. I used to advise Donald Trump.
Good creds, although I didn’t think he took advice. So, who are these women?
Just say a hooker, a teacher, a circus performer, a kosher butcher, and Lindsey Graham.
Lindsey Graham is a man.
Seriously? Oh, OK. Make that two hookers. We’re safe with that.
OK, heavy up on the hookers. Do you have any proof?
Proof?
Yeah, that’s what people used to have back in the Dark Ages. I felt I had to ask. OK, where did you hear this?
Uh, I’m not sure. Did I have to hear it somewhere?
It would help.
OK, say Donald Trump. Ah, no, bad idea. How about just quoting me in the article.
We can do that, since you are sort of famous. Anything else? I’m a busy guy. I’m working on a piece about the tiny pope found living in the pope’s hat.
Seriously?
Yeah, it’s seriously what I’m working on. In today’s world, all you have to do is put something out there. Doesn’t much matter what it is, it will stick.
You guys are amazing. I’m really proud that you all endorsed Mr Trump for president.
We are, too. He’s the man who lives the high ideals the National Enquirer is known for.
I just have one question. Is the GOP really considering Bigfoot?
What do you think?
I better tell Mr Trump. We can probably dig up some dirt on him, too.
Great. Call me when you have something.
Life in the Boomer Lane 
Shelley
March 28, 2016
I’d believe Barbara Bush was once a Playboy centerfold before I’d believe there are 5 women on this planet (other than his wife) that are willing to get closer than handshake distance to Ted Cruz. Even his daughter finds him repulsive, as shown by the forced hug and the “ow, ow, ow” that has been immortalized on youtube. So yes, Ted, I believe you on this one.
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 28, 2016
Damn, I didn’t know that Barbara Bush was a Playboy centerfold.
Keith
March 28, 2016
Too funny. I also love Shelley’s comment. Are these two men running for the most important job in the world or for the King of a faux reality show. Just when you think they cannot go any lower, they enter the mudwrestling pit. I guess we should not discuss how both have tax plans that would crater our deficit even more increasing our debt or make us pariahs in the world with their ideas for fighting terrorists.
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 29, 2016
I shudder to think of what would happen if either of these guys becomes President.
allthoughtswork
March 28, 2016
A far better story would explore why Cruz looks like a botched gender reassignment surgery from the neck up. I don’t even wanna know from the neck down.
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 29, 2016
I’m seriously laughing.
Little Voice
March 30, 2016
Funny, but sad.
Life in the Boomer Lane
March 30, 2016
That sort of defines our GOP presidential run this election season.