A Better Way to Celebrate Valentine’s Day

 

Valentine’s Day, like most holidays we celebrate, started with pagan people being slapped with strips of goat hide dipped in sacrificial blood.  Because Match.com hadn’t been invented yet, young women, after being slapped, placed their names into a big urn, and bachelors would choose a name and would be paired with that woman.  After the women cleansed themselves of goat blood, many of these pairings turned into marriages. Pagan priests promoted the ritual with slogans like “Higher success rates than speeddating or singles dances!”

It was a quick segue from that tradition to tots sending paper valentines to classmates, showing cartoon animals, vegetables and fruit that pronounced, “BEE my Valentine!” or “LETTUCE be Valentines!” Teachers expressed relief that classrooms and students didn’t have to be covered with goat blood in the process.

Some now argue that as messy as the pagan ritual was, it had more meaning than today’s antiseptic (although tasty) rituals of nachos and coffee Haagen Dazs (Note to readers: This is Life in the Boomer Lane’s own personal tradition. Others are free to follow their own rituals). For that reason, many people are trying to come up with more meaningful ways to celebrate the day. LBL offers the following suggestions for consideration that won’t requiring sacrificing your household pets:

Send valentine’s cards to anyone who has ever pissed you off  (real valentines, not ones that say “Did you fall from heaven?  Because so did Satan.”)

Stand on the street, handing out valentines to random people passing by

Drive to the nearest nursing home and hand Valentines out to residents

Bake cakes with valentines hidden inside and mail the cakes to the Bruce Vento Elementary School in St Paul, Minnesota  The school has banned Valentine’s Day and this will be the only way children can receive valentines.  You could also mail them to incarcerated people, but they probably wouldn’t get the joke.

The Bronx Zoo will name a cockroach after your loved one. For just $10, the zoo will send your very special someone a digital certificate showing a Madagascar hissing roach has been named in honor of them. LBL is not making this up, even though she wishes she were.

Call your mother  If she doesn’t know who you are, you know that you have either not communicated with her enough, or you have dialed the wrong number.  If you have a poor relationship with your mom, it may be that the person you have incorrectly dialed might be a better choice for relationship.

Call your children at college If you are told they graduated several years ago and are no longer there, you haven’t been calling them frequently enough

Call your spouse at work  If he/she don’t know who you are, you have more serious issues than this post can solve

After you are finished:

If you are partnered, watch the 24/7 CNN coverage of the presidential campaigns in the nude (the viewers are nude, not necessarily the politicians)

If you are not partnered, you can always try to find a place where you can still get slapped with strips of goat hide. These guys seem to have a good track record for making matches.