Ants Misbehavin’

 

Life in the Boomer Lane is well aware that the planet contains countless species that all have a right to live. She is also aware that many of them choose to inhabit the same spaces as humans do. So she may be annoyed to discover ants in her pantry, but she understands that ants in the pantry can be an occasional fact of life. This fact includes mosquitoes at outdoor dinners, flies and rodents near outdoor trash cans, a spider or two coming down from the ceiling, and Donald Trump declaring for the Republican Presidential nomination.

But there are other things that LBL wouldn’t expect to be confronted with. One would be large, wild mammals in her backyard, unless they were invited there for a cook out. Another would be Donald Trump winning the Republican Presidential nomination.  A third would be a colony of ants that decided to take up residence in her car. LBL’s car, while home to a variety of books, magazines, Realtor signs, items to be returned to stores, and whatever filth piles up on floor mats, should not house wildlife.

LBL suspected something was wrong when she began to realize that every time she drove her car, an ant was crawling on her person.  The next time she drove, two ants were crawling on her person. Until these episodes occurred, LBL had blissfully (and, it turns out, naively) considered her body to be an ant-free zone.

Another distasteful level was reached when she came out to the car one day and the front windshield was covered with ants. She told Now Husband that she believed she was parking too far along the driveway, and ants were dropping down from a tree onto her car. Now Husband listened thoughtfully to her theory and asked, “Is that honestly what you believe? That ants are on your car because of where you are parked on the driveway?” LBL has a graduate degree from an actual university.  Because of this, she was able to interpret NH’s questions as being not exactly questions, but rather comments on her intelligence.

LBL decided to ratchet up the significance of her situation.  The next day, again finding her windshield covered with ants, she announced to NH that she was sure there was an ant’s nest in the car. This time NH said, “Oh, now ants aren’t just falling onto your car.  They are actually nesting there. Interesting. Perhaps they are drawn to ALL THE FOOD YOU EAT IN THE CAR.”

LBL had no retort to this comment, except to say, “I wasn’t eating anything in the car today.”  Even she considered it a weak defense.

The next day, LBL got into her car to go on an appointment.  She opened the driver’s door, looked down and was confronted with the sight of about a billion ants (give or take a couple hundred), frantically carrying eggs in a long line next to her seat.  For those of you who know little about ants, LBL will enlighten you.

1. Ants do everything in a frantic way, and even manifest joy as though they were having an anxiety attack.

2. The fact that the ants were carrying eggs, meant that there was, indeed, a NEST in LBL’s car.

When LBL returned from her appointment and swatted the ants out of her hair, she had NH take a look. He went to the garage and came back with a large can of Industrial Strength Ant and Roach spray.  He sprayed until LBL was convinced that the next time she turned the key in the ignition, the car would explode.

The next day, LBL took the car to the car wash. This morning, the ants were back to pre egg-carrying levels.  LBL told NH she believed the ants were merely hiding but that THE NEST was STILL IN HER CAR.

NH, who had done research into this, shared with her what he found. “There’s one successful way to deal with ants in the car,” he said. LBL was eager to hear the solution.  He continued. “All the sites say DON’T EAT IN THE CAR.” That was it. So, in conclusion, the answer is that not only does LBL have to continue to live with ants in her car,  she can’t even soothe herself with food, like she does with all the other problems in her life.