The Duggars Dig In

Posted on July 25, 2015

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The Duggar Family, stars of the immensely popular TV show, 19 Kids and Counting was, for many folks, a picture of how life could be, if we only agreed to leave everything up to God.  The Duggars did just that, and God provided them with 19 kids, a home the size of a Super Wal-Mart and a son who spent a lot of time molesting his sisters and the babysitter.

The Duggars have always been very clear that they only have what God wants them to have.  They ask for nothing more. Primarily, they only have as many children as God wants them to have. God wanted them to have one or two kids each year, and so Michele Duggar stayed in a permanent state of Pregnant. Then, when Bob and Michele Duggar got pregnant with a 20th child, Michele miscarried.  Not to be deterred, they kept trying, but by then, God let them know that he was running low on the impregnation front, and arranged for them to have fertility treatments, to pick up the slack.

Josh Duggar, the eldest son, was another matter, entirely. Unless you have been living in Donald Trump’s brain for the last year or so, you would be aware that news broke that Josh, now married and on the same Godly path as his parents, had molested several of his sisters and the babysitter when he was a teen. God directed the Duggars to cover up the story and subsequently to anoint Josh as their own spokesperson for Clean and Heterosexual Family Living.

When the story broke, the Duggars were quick to come to Josh’s defense. Two of the sisters who were the objects of Josh’s affection said,

“We don’t understand why people are making a big deal over this, since we were sleeping when it happened and the Bible says that when you are sleeping, or even when you are prone with your eyes closed, as though you are sleeping, nothing counts.  In fact, sometimes, when you are prone and your eyes are open but you make your eyelids sort of fluttery so you can’t see clearly, nothing counts.” The cameras stopped rolling just before the sisters finished explaining the clothing-optional part of nothing counting.

In spite of his family’s steadfast support, Josh resigned from his job as Executive Director of FRC Action, the non-profit lobbying arm of the Family Research Council.  The Family Research Council is committed to saving the world from Planned Parenthood and from gays who exist in any form whatsoever. Josh moved his family from the gay-infested Washington, DC area back to the safety of his home state of Arkansas.

The mini-Duggar move back to Arkansas dovetailed with Gov Asa Hutchinson, in February of this year, letting stand the anti-anti discrimination bill that prevents cities and counties from protecting the civil rights of gay people. Hutchinson proudly asserted that Arkansas would continue to revere discrimination as a state value, as well as enforcing as many laws as possible with the word “anti” in it.

Next, TLC cancelled the Duggar show. Now, the Duggars, directed by God, have come out slugging.

Jim Bob Duggar has put the kibosh on proposed plans for a new reality show that would feature his two married daughters, now happily participating in the permanent pregnant/giving birth loop. Jim Bob was clear,

“Michele and I are the Duggars, period.  These girls don’t even have the Duggar name, anymore. They are merely appendages. Half the time, I don’t even remember their first names.  I think they start with “J” but I can’t be sure.”

So, what’s up for the family that’s always looking up?  A review of various unsubstantiated sites, as well as a jaunt through the recesses of Life in the Boomer Lane’s prolific mind, have come up with various options the Duggars are now considering, not the least of which is a potential position in the Trump Cabinet. All of the Duggars would share the same Secretarial position.

When asked if a Cabinet post would be an unwise suggestion for Josh Duggar, Trump advisor, Michael Cohen, famous for his “You cannot rape your spouse” comment, said, “I took care of the wife thing for Donald, and I believe I can definitely take care of the sister thing for the Duggars.”

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Posted in: humor, pop culture, satire