Why Donald Trump is a True American

If you are a Trump Hater, you know who you are. And you are probably perplexed as to why anyone would want Trump to be the President of the United States of America.  The fact is that many gazillions of good citizens of the US of A are Trump supporters. And Life in the Boomer Lane knows exactly why. Donald Trump is a self-made man, with strong opinions and even stronger financial muscle.  And he isn’t afraid to call a spade a spade or a diamond a club. In fact, he will call anyone and anything whatever he wants to, because that is the American Way and he has more money than you do.

Trump knows what you do not. The US of A is now threatened on all sides, by crazed Muslims, raping Mexicans, marrying gays, and breast-feeding moms.  No one before Trump has had the guts to speak out about this.  It’s time we had a True Hero.  Trump is a True Hero. While Fake Heroes were serving their country and then doing something stupid like getting captured, Trump was proudly applying for and accepting a series of four student deferments before graduating from college, and then arranging to be deemed physically unacceptable for military service after he graduated.

As Trump himself has noted (as imagined by LBL), “I managed to make it through college and grad school, without ever being captured. Let’s talk about who the True American Hero was. ”

Trump has also noted the lack of leadership in this country, and he has come out swinging.  And, to his credit, he embodies all of the characteristics that Americans hold dear:

1. We are proud capitalists (and if we can’t buy something, we can at least make fun of it)

“Free trade is terrible. Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people. But we have stupid people.”

2. We work hard for what we get (but enjoy things even better when they are handed to us)

“Sometimes your best investments are the ones you don’t make.”

3.  We love facts (unless they get in the way of what we know to be true)

“A lot of people up there can’t get jobs. They can’t get jobs, because there are no jobs.”

“I have assets — big accounting firm, one of the most highly respected — [says] 9 billion, 240 million dollars. And I have liabilities of about $500 million. That’s long-term debt, very low-interest rates.”

“An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that @BarackObama’s birth certificate is a fraud.”

“I’m not a schmuck.”

“Under President Barack Obama, income levels and unemployment numbers ‘are worse now than just about ever’ for African-Americans.”

4. We love science (especially when we can make it do whatever we want it to do.)

“It’s freezing and snowing in New York.  We need global warming!”

 “The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”

5. Women have great value in our society (especially when they are young, hot, and hot to trot)

“You know, it doesn’t really matter what (the media) write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.”

6. We are creative (especially when we use our creativity to make stuff up that sounds real but isn’t)

 “The number of illegal immigrants in the United States is 30 million, it could be 34 million.”

“A certificate of live birth is not the same thing by any stretch of the imagination as a birth certificate.”

7. We are a great melting pot (except for the people who should not only stay away from the pot, but who should be out of the kitchen entirely).

“I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”

“Well, somebody’s doing the raping! I mean somebody’s doing it! Who’s doing the raping? Who’s doing the raping?”

8. We believe in the American Dream (for Americans, which means white people with money and without silly names)

“Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich.”

9. We love our children (as long as they don’t get in the way)

“I …think Ivanka…does have a very nice figure. I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

“And did you notice that baby was crying through half of the speech and I didn’t get angry? Not once. Did you notice that? That baby was driving me crazy. I didn’t get angry once because I didn’t want to insult the parents for not taking the kid out of the room!”

10. We love ourselves even more

“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well been documented, are various other parts of my body.”

“I went to the Wharton School of Business. “I’m, like, a really smart person.”

“Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest, and you all know it.”

Support Donald Trump. You know you really want to. He’s the smartest guy, with the biggest dick. And, if that’s not enough, it will be exciting to see Sarah Palin come roaring back, this time as a member of the Cabinet.