An alert reader sent Life in the Boomer Lane a joke titled “Sex and Good Grammar,” about a 74-year-old man who gets his fondest wish for his birthday. LBL won’t go into the details of the joke. She invites readers to Google it on their own. Instead, LBL got to thinking about the grammar of sex. Or rather, the grammar we use when we are having sex. Or rather, grammar in general.
In most cases people are prone to tossing grammar out the window during sex, reverting to Oooh, Aaah, Yes, Oh God, That’s it, Lower, Higher, Oh Baby, and The dog’s tongue is really rough. Any alert reader can see that the last statement is the only one that is grammatically correct and so is the only one that should ever be used during nookie nookie.
We have the same problems out of bed. The rules of the English language are gradually being reduced to mild suggestions, to be used only in the event of being in fifth grade. For actual everyday life, which includes newscasts and TV talk shows, language is less dependable. It’s sort of like Match.com, a hit or miss proposition, often resulting in something that you sort of can figure out what it means but you don’t want to think about it too closely or it will make you sick.
Newscasters are bad. Politicians are worse. They are like two-year-olds at play. At a distance, they look like they are saying things that make perfect sense. But a closer visual inspection will result in the realization that Batman and Spiderman often visit the pirate ship, and speak in tongue to the captain, who happens to be a smiling lion. The result is that a strict interpretation of what is being said makes no sense at all.
LBL has observed this same phenomena in whoever creates instructions for how to assemble anything. One may start out attempting to assemble a battery-powered kiddie car and end up with a washer that does not include a spin cycle.
LBL understands that the English language is very difficult to master, having been formed as a result of the Colonists trying to disassociate themselves from Mother England. For that reason, they invented “yo” and “talk to the hand” and any other number of useless phrases that they felt would horrify the Brits.
The advent of computer technology, specifically texting, didn’t help. An entire new pseudo-English was created, defined by how well we tapped tiny buttons, as we ate lunch, changed the baby’s diaper, and shaved, all while changing lanes. One can understand why this often resulted in grammar casualty, if not actual loss of life.
And let’s face it. A lot of grammar is silly anyway. Like dangling participles. Dangling participles are like gluten. We don’t actually know what they are, only that we must avoid them at all cost. Misplaced modifiers are like that, as well. People have been trying to find them for some time now, but as of yet, no one has.
A word of caution: If you are living in a depleted gene pool world and want to improve yourself, don’t try too hard. This only results in saying things like “The waiter gave my boyfriend and I the check.” “I” might seem classier in this case, but it is entirely incorrect. “Me” is actually the correct word to use. Just stick with “Me and Lloyd got the check from the waiter.” The only thing that’s important here is that you (and/or Lloyd) paid the check and left an adequate tip (15-20% at lunch, 20% at dinner).
If, on the other hand, your Lloyd has a master’s degree but works as a vacuum cleaner bag salesman and hasn’t paid for a meal since the first day you went out with him and now he wants to invite a fellow vacuum cleaner bag salesman friend to come live with the two of you, you have a far more serious issue than the scope of this post can address. We suggest that you stop focusing on grammar and start focusing instead on getting a good deal on an Aerobed.
Jill Foer Hirsch
May 15, 2014
My biggest pet peeve right now is the overuse of “I”. It’s like people have decided that they should use I no matter what; that me is never correct. It really bugs my husband and me. Also, the fact that accepted usage is now s’s for plural of words’s ending in s. But the complete downfall of civilization began when the OED decided that literal doesn’t mean literal any more, because it is so misused. So hey, it’s literally just figurative now. Arrgh!
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 15, 2014
Your comments literally make me nauseous (another misuse that drives me wild.)
Elyse
May 15, 2014
I went to Catholic school for 1st and part of 2nd grades. We were taught to never use “me.” It took me decades for I to get over that particular instruction!
Valentine Logar
May 15, 2014
Oh, now do it now.
Did that work?
Sex and grammar should not be mixed, that is my thought on the issue.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 15, 2014
Was your comment as good for you as it was for me?
Valentine Logar
May 15, 2014
It was, it surely was. I have been floating on it all day.
😉
wordsfromanneli
May 15, 2014
Better yet, people can hire me to copy-edit their work.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 16, 2014
I am a secret copy editor. I mentally slash and burn what I read. Nobody has paid me yet.
Taswegian1957
May 15, 2014
I just can’t imagine the Queen saying “My husband and me” but then again it’s about the only time she does say “I”.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 15, 2014
I think the royal “we” is always used instead of “I.” So she would say “We tied our husband to the bed last night and it was tons of fun.”
Taswegian1957
May 15, 2014
😀
Eileen Adickes
May 15, 2014
Ah, you have made me extremely happy as I read this post. I sometimes correct my friends’ Facebook posts and sign my myself as Spelling/Grammar Nazi.”
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 15, 2014
Dearly Beloved Daughter and I went to a restaurant once and the sign outside (a professional brass thing bolted to the building) that said “When your hungry, this is the place to be.” I explained the mistake to the hostess who just stared at me for a moment and responded with “Two for lunch?” Then I explained it to the waiter, who responded with “Uh huh, so are you ready to order?” I asked to speak with the manager, who listened for awhile and then told me the kitchen was on fire and he had to go. DBD told me she would never go to a restaurant with me again. Ever.
kqkirkland
May 15, 2014
I too, am a grammar nazi. I cringe at “me and my partner”. Some weasel out by using “myself”. I especially freak out when my lawyer friends do this.
Love your humor. You are inspiring me.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 15, 2014
I love to inspire people. Usually they just run when they see me coming.
btg5885
May 15, 2014
In keeping with your attention getting theme, please note it is more difficult have intercourse with dangling participles. :>)
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 15, 2014
ohmygod, that was seriously funny.
simplelivingover50
May 15, 2014
I love when people try to hard and use words without knowing their meaning.
mybrightspots
May 15, 2014
“too hard…” lol… Couldn’t resist. I hate commenting on grammar posts because I just know I’ll have a mistake of my own… 😉
simplelivingover50
May 15, 2014
I would love to say that I did that on purpose… but…. Too Funny
mybrightspots
May 15, 2014
Ahhh, you missed your chance. You should have said it was “to funny”. 😉
simplelivingover50
May 15, 2014
That would be poor grammor to. 🙂
pegoleg
May 15, 2014
I was going to suggest it may be more proper to say “The waiter gave me and my baby-daddy the check,” but I’m so distracted by the dog’s tongue comment that I am unable to string words into proper sentences.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 15, 2014
The dog has the same problem.
Catherine Hamrick
May 15, 2014
Between you and I, this is an “awesome” post. Or should I say “amazing”?
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 15, 2014
Actually, you should say that it’s very unique.
Betty Londergan
May 15, 2014
My personal pet peeve is the misuse of it’s/its. Seriously, I know I’m a grammar snob but I always think people who can’t figure that one out are just … ignorant. Or (let’s be charitable) just not trying hard enough to get it right.
mybrightspots
May 15, 2014
Agree completely! Unlike there/their, you don’t actually have to memorize this one. If it’s short for “it is”, use the apostrophe. Otherwise, don’t.
Betty Londergan
May 15, 2014
And btw, unless you’re British, the punctuation goes INSIDE the quotation marks.
mybrightspots
May 15, 2014
I know that but I’ve never liked it. I’m ok with it when the punctuation belongs with the sentence being quoted but when the punctuation is for the sentence as a whole, I don’t. For example,
Who said “Let’s go tomorrow”? …. is how I want it to be. Not:
Who said “Let’s go tomorrow?”
But I think that’s the mathematician in me.
Laura
May 15, 2014
Your example is correct, but doesn’t address the issue of the only punctuation in U.S. English that always goes inside the quotes: the comma and the period. The question mark and exclamation mark go inside only when they apply to the quoted matter. And the colon and semicolon always go outside the quotes.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 15, 2014
It seems like only yesterday that I started putting anything inside the quotes. This seriously messes with my head. I would rather talk about people who say “length, width, and heigth” and “irregardless” and “very unique.” And BTW, there are stores now that have pictures of three hands, so people can count the fingers to know what “15 Items or Less” means.
mybrightspots
May 15, 2014
I was shocked by a “me vs. I” incident that my daughter brought home from school this year (seventh grade). Her English teacher, of all people was basically trying to get her to write your depleted gene pool example: “The waiter gave my boyfriend and I the check.”
It upset my sense of world order so much that I had to blog about it. 🙂
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 15, 2014
I read your blog post. Tragic. As time goes by and teachers affect kids who in turn become teachers and affect kids, and on and on, the law of diminishing returns will apply to the language. It will end when everyone is walking around slack-jawed, barely able to say “Huh?” But the good news is that no one will have spelling problems anymore.
mybrightspots
May 15, 2014
lol… I suppose that’s one upside…
Retirementallychallenged.com
May 15, 2014
I always make sure I have at least 13 items in my cart so I don’t have to stand in the “12 items or less” line at the grocery store.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 15, 2014
Good one.
Elyse
May 15, 2014
“‘Merica. Horrifying the Brits since 1776.” That would be a better motto than most!
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 15, 2014
Oh my. We should have tee shirts made.
Elyse
May 15, 2014
With my British friends, generally anything with an American flag will do nicely!
pegoleg
May 16, 2014
I’d buy that shirt.
Fran
May 16, 2014
As a Brit am I allowed to love this slogan too?
Elyse
May 16, 2014
Absolutely. We here in the US are all inclusive (except when we’re not!)
Bruce Thiesen
May 16, 2014
People butcher the English language all the time. It’s maddening.
LBL readers are sharp. Check “all of the above” for me. I like group grammar on a Friday morning.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 17, 2014
Whoa, Bruce. Methinks there is a hint of smarmy in the phrase “group grammar.” I like that.
Paula Karlberg
May 16, 2014
I love your blog. As the editor of a medical textbook decades ago, incorrect grammar always stops me cold, no matter what I’m reading. Unfortunately, this electronic generation, i.e., my kids and grandkids, are not learning proper English. I mean, what’s the need when their “sound bites” consist of fewer letters than in the entire alphabet…cu l8er. ;o)
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 16, 2014
Thanks, Paula. Those of us who mourn the demise of the English language are rapidly becoming extinct, both figuratively and literally. We will soon be forced to meet in dark alleys to secretly experience the visceral joy of diagramming sentences.
Susan in TX
May 17, 2014
Gawd, I love the idea of diagramming sentences in a dark alley! But as an instinctive grammar Nazi, I try to remind myself that language lives. Else, we would still be saying thee and thou.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 18, 2014
You have a good point there. It just scares me to think of what that new life will look like.
lrose
May 21, 2014
Reblogged this on by LRose and commented:
There are a lot of posts in the blogosphere about the abuse of proper grammar, but this one is a particularly funny article (and I hope to God I wrote this comment correctly).
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 21, 2014
Thanks for the reblog, and I give you a star for writing your comment correctly. Just make sure you never critique mine.
lrose
May 21, 2014
“pinky promise” ;^)
Martha Kennedy
May 21, 2014
Dangling participles are not like gluten. They are one of the largest causes of incomprehensible writing among college students. “Reading a book, my cat jumped into my mother’s lap.” That is pretty damned amazing, a literate cat who, with the book and without ceasing to read, can jump up into someone’s lap.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 21, 2014
Oh Martha, I am always stunned at the failures of our educational system. My ex-husband’s grandmother, who never went to college,wrote beautifully. Are we graduating a bunch of lunkheads or am I simply too old?
Martha Kennedy
May 21, 2014
You’re pretty old, that’s true. 😉 I do think (forgive me world!) graduating a bunch of lunkheads for teachers and/or (more likely?) the education system is focused on something OTHER than teaching in SPITE of the abilities of their teachers. My students know to start a new paragraph when they change topics but no one has told them what a topic is. I am shocked, dismayed, saddened, brokenhearted and all kinds of not good stuff right now about what kids are learning in high school (based on what they bring to college). I blame NCLB. And yeah. My grandfather read the likes of Thomas Carlyle. He was born in 1870 and “only” finished 3rd grade. My students actually LIKE learning but many of them are afraid to take the risks they need to take TO learn because they’re afraid what will happen to their grade… But, the cat example came from a wall in my classroom where some good grammar teacher had made? asked? students to illustrate the dangling participles in their grammar books. Not all is lost.
Life in the Boomer Lane
May 22, 2014
I could talk about this all day. In grad school (1970), Then Husband and I shared a house with a linguistics major who also taught Freshman English. He would come home and cry about what he had seen. He would give us examples, and then we would cry. I know there are many outstanding K-12 teachers out there (I’m a former special ed teacher, and many of my friends were K-12 teachers), but I do think part of the problem is that many of those kids back in 1970 then became teachers and compounded the problem. I’m even more distressed at your comment about students being afraid to learn because of fear of what it will do to their grade. What have we created? Yes, agreed. The education system is, indeed, focused on something other than teaching. I find it fascinating that Americans still tout our system as the best in the world, as we slip farther down the scale each year, compared to other countries. Our kids have such promise. I just fear that they aren’t being served and aren’t being held accountable.
Martha Kennedy
May 22, 2014
I agree with you 100%. The kids who graduated in 1970 aren’t probably teaching any more. Their place has been taken by teachers taught in university environments more concerned with politics and minority rights than they were in teaching teachers to teach skills. Each has a very definite and necessary place and that was kind of slid over, I think, often. College now are as much in the job of remediating (sp???) poorly learned skills or teaching skills as they are involved in actually teaching college level skills and information. As for kids being held accountable? Definitely a problem. I think if kids are challenged and stimulated in the lower levels when they are eager to learn, and the bar is set high, they’ll grow to love school because they’ll consistently get better at it (another thing kids love).