The past week, Life in the Boomer Lane has been in Seattle, visiting family and taking care of her granddaughter, who, a mere 15 months ago, had just achieved fertilized egg status. Because of the focus needed to deal with a six-month-old baby, LBL almost completely missed hearing about another individual who very recently was, himself, a fertilized egg: Justin Bieber.
Normally, LBL’s world continues to revolve and her brain cells continue to play tricks on her and then die, without any knowledge of what Bieber is doing. She is aware that he sings and that he makes approximately the same amount of money as the entire US budget doing so. That is usually enough for LBL to move on with other areas of her life.
But, thanks to LBL’s son, with whom she is staying, she now has been made aware that Bieber, apparently tired of Brazilian prostitutes, being carried by bodyguards along the Great Wall of China, abandoning a pet monkey in Germany, and, in Amsterdam at the Anne Frank Museum, announcing that, had Anne Frank lived, she would have been a “belieber,” has now taken to focusing his attention closer to home in Calabasas, an uber-affluent city in Los Angeles County.
Bieber has been accused of throwing eggs at his next door neighbor’s house. One (that One being LBL) must assume that The Biebs had a Bief with the neighbor. She wonders if it wouldn’t have been easier for The Biefdom to then simply purchase the entire neighborhood and that way could have whomever he wished to live there. That way, the neighborhood would be filled with a combination of young rappers and Kardashians.
As there is little gang warfare in Calabasas, the local police have lots of time on their hands. The Bieber case is hot. As authorities swarmed the Bieber Mansion, an unfortunate side effect of Egggate has been the arrest of one of Bieber’s close friends and favored house guests, rapper Lil Za., for felony possession of cocaine, seized during the egg hunt by the cops. Mr Za had this to say, as he was being dragged away by the police: “Hey, I’m a normal law-abiding citizen. Sniffing coke, screwing hos, wearing diaper pants, that’s it man. Stuff everybody does. Good citizen type shit. But this stuff, throwing eggs, man, that’s a whole new ballgame. I never wouldda stayed here if I knew that Biebs was into that stuff. That’s scary shit man.”
Apparently the cops agree. “We aren’t really interested in drugs, child pornography, beastiality, or any other minor infractions enjoyed by Mr Bieber. We are here for the eggs, period. Hardboiled, sunny side up, poached, even scrambled. That’s what we are looking for. Egg cartons, eggnog, frozen Eggos, Eggbeaters, and any books by Dave Eggars are on the list. “We find an egg, we confiscate it.”
Meanwhile, while all this is going on, His Biebdom has been confined to his garage. His iPhone has been confiscated, allowing him no access to the outside world. He has had to occupy his time staring at gardening implements, a snow shovel, and a weed whacker. His only comment so far has been to say, “Man, what is all this? Who uses this shit?”
Back at police headquarters, footage taken with the neighbor’s cell phone show an altercation between him and an egg throwing assailant. The word “fucking” is used several times, and the neighbor’s 14-year-old daughter is told to call the police. She is seen running in the opposite direction, toward Bieber, screaming “Throw eggs at me! Please! Smear my body with them!” before her father is able to restrain her and force her to call the cops. Tearfully, she makes the call, pleading with the police to tell Bieber she was forced to tell on him.
The Bieberama remains unaware of his fate. At less than 20 eggs, the act is a misdemeanor. At 20 eggs, the act becomes a felony, at 25 it warrants a sentence of life imprisonment. At 30 eggs or more, Bieber runs the risk of being deported to North Korea, where he will be forced to wear normal pants, work on a chicken farm, and be denied any possession of eggs.
DUH'Merica
January 17, 2014
I’m giving him about another year before he enters rehab for “exhaustion”.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 18, 2014
Seriously.
BrantleyNewton
January 17, 2014
Who still likes this guy? Are teenage girls really that forgiving?
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 18, 2014
Apparently, so. One wonders what he would have to do to elicit a negative response from them. Destroy their cell phones?
BrantleyNewton
January 18, 2014
Or be replaced by someone else. It has to happen soon, right?
Elyse
January 17, 2014
The sad thing is that while Anne Frank probably would have been a Belieber, she didn’t get to grow out of it the way the entire rest of the world has. Time to change the channel!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 18, 2014
Great comment, Elyse. Absolutely.
lifephasethree
January 17, 2014
I love your style! You kept me laughing all the way through your blog. Thanks! I needed that!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 18, 2014
You are welcome. Will you post that comment every time I write something?
wordsfromanneli
January 17, 2014
What a sad waste of a life his is.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 18, 2014
Yes, a sad waste of talent, for sure.
notquiteold
January 17, 2014
Two years ago I was wondering who that little girl was whose picture was all over the internet. The following year I realized it was not a girl. This year i realized it was an asshole.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 18, 2014
I think you win the Commenter of the Year Award.
btg5885
January 18, 2014
I cannot top notquiteold’s comments. Fortunately, I don’t count myself as a belieber. I am in the bemused category.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 18, 2014
You mean Biemused, right?
Snoring Dog Studio
January 18, 2014
Hilarious, DUH’Merica! I weary of this celebrity/disaffected youth meme. It has gotten so very old. When people are handed fantastic opportunities to achieve success, it’s mind-boggling when they throw that all away.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 18, 2014
There should be a law that you can’t achieve mind-boggling success until you are at least 30 years old.
Snoring Dog Studio
January 19, 2014
I’m with you there, Boomer!
lauramacky
January 18, 2014
He’s a punk.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 18, 2014
Yes, unfortunately one with unlimited money and hangers on.
lauramacky
January 18, 2014
Yup
divorce1943
January 18, 2014
luv it – you are great! he sucks.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 18, 2014
Thanks, and yes.
benzeknees
January 18, 2014
I am ashamed to say this immature little wanker is a Canadian. Calabas County is welcome to him! I’m glad they found some drugs & I hope they find some damaging “selfies” about the egg throwing so the Biebs can spend some time in your quality US prisons – maybe he’ll pull up his pants then!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 18, 2014
I forgot that he was Canadian. I wish I could say that that makes me feel better, but alas, I fear that we have become so deranged about celebrity worship and turning humans into something else. Am I wrong?
benzeknees
January 18, 2014
I think celebrities (even if they are only celebrities in their own minds) think they are above the law! They seem to think a little FB status makes them above the rest of us too!
Valentine Logar
January 19, 2014
Just another entitled twit.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 20, 2014
We produce them in vast numbers, don’t we.
Valentine Logar
January 20, 2014
Indeed
jlheuer
January 19, 2014
Google SNL from this past Saturday, Kate McKinnon did a fabulous impersonation of the Biebs. On another note, can he be deported now?
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 20, 2014
Benzeknees will fight you on that one.
benzeknees
January 21, 2014
It will come to fisticuffs if you make us take him back!
Ayesha (Miss Spicy Hat n' Sugar Socks)
January 22, 2014
Honestly…..he should just name himself Beebly and be admitted in kindergarden. Atleast when he throws eggs the teacher can say, “Your boy’s getting naughty mrs beebly, he was throwing tantrums and eggs”. Why do most of these *stars* go highway….just wondering!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 22, 2014
Great comment. A friend of mine pointed out that most teenage boys get into trouble. So this is a normal teenage boy, except with unlimited money and hangers on and a sense of entitlement. That’s a prescription for disaster.
The Musings Of Reya
January 23, 2014
Reblogged this on The Musings Of Reya.