Justin Bieber: Not-So-Great Eggspectations

Posted on January 17, 2014


The past week, Life in the Boomer Lane has been in Seattle, visiting family and taking care of her granddaughter, who, a mere 15 months ago, had just achieved fertilized egg status. Because of the focus needed to deal with a six-month-old baby, LBL almost completely missed hearing about another individual who very recently was, himself, a fertilized egg: Justin Bieber.

Normally, LBL’s world continues to revolve and her brain cells continue to play tricks on her and then die, without any knowledge of what Bieber is doing. She is aware that he sings and that he makes approximately the same amount of money as the entire US budget doing so. That is usually enough for LBL to move on with other areas of her life.

But, thanks to LBL’s son, with whom she is staying, she now has been made aware that Bieber, apparently tired of Brazilian prostitutes, being carried by bodyguards along the Great Wall of China, abandoning a pet monkey in Germany, and, in Amsterdam at the Anne Frank Museum, announcing that, had Anne Frank lived, she would have been a “belieber,” has now taken to focusing his attention closer to home in Calabasas, an uber-affluent city in Los Angeles County.

Bieber has been accused of throwing eggs at his next door neighbor’s house. One (that One being LBL) must assume that The Biebs had a Bief with the neighbor. She wonders if it wouldn’t have been easier for The Biefdom to then simply purchase the entire neighborhood and that way could have whomever he wished to live there. That way, the neighborhood would be filled with a combination of young rappers and Kardashians.

As there is little gang warfare in Calabasas, the local police have lots of time on their hands. The Bieber case is hot. As authorities swarmed the Bieber Mansion, an unfortunate side effect of Egggate has been the arrest of one of Bieber’s close friends and favored house guests, rapper Lil Za., for felony possession of cocaine, seized during the egg hunt by the cops. Mr Za had this to say, as he was being dragged away by the police: “Hey, I’m a normal law-abiding citizen. Sniffing coke, screwing hos, wearing diaper pants, that’s it man. Stuff everybody does. Good citizen type shit. But this stuff, throwing eggs, man, that’s a whole new ballgame. I never wouldda stayed here if I knew that Biebs was into that stuff. That’s scary shit man.”

Apparently the cops agree. “We aren’t really interested in drugs, child pornography, beastiality, or any other minor infractions enjoyed by Mr Bieber. We are here for the eggs, period. Hardboiled, sunny side up, poached, even scrambled. That’s what we are looking for. Egg cartons, eggnog, frozen Eggos, Eggbeaters, and any books by Dave Eggars are on the list. “We find an egg, we confiscate it.”

Meanwhile, while all this is going on, His Biebdom has been confined to his garage. His iPhone has been confiscated, allowing him no access to the outside world. He has had to occupy his time staring at gardening implements, a snow shovel, and a weed whacker. His only comment so far has been to say, “Man, what is all this? Who uses this shit?”

Back at police headquarters, footage taken with the neighbor’s cell phone show an altercation between him and an egg throwing assailant. The word “fucking” is used several times, and the neighbor’s 14-year-old daughter is told to call the police. She is seen running in the opposite direction, toward Bieber, screaming “Throw eggs at me! Please! Smear my body with them!” before her father is able to restrain her and force her to call the cops. Tearfully, she makes the call, pleading with the police to tell Bieber she was forced to tell on him.

The Bieberama remains unaware of his fate. At less than 20 eggs, the act is a misdemeanor. At 20 eggs, the act becomes a felony, at 25 it warrants a sentence of life imprisonment. At 30 eggs or more, Bieber runs the risk of being deported to North Korea, where he will be forced to wear normal pants, work on a chicken farm, and be denied any possession of eggs.

Posted in: humor, pop culture, satire