Welcome to 2013. You can run, but you can’t hide.

Posted on January 1, 2013


Fortuneteller Booth Showing Posters

Back on January 1, 1541, it would have been tough to predict what the coming year would bring.  Nostradamus was the only high-profile prognosticator around then, but, in the absence of tweets, iPhones, and The Anderson Cooper Show, most of his predictions were unknown to the general population.

Most people simply went out their daily business of succumbing to Malaria, Consumption, Smallpox, Parroticitis, Gangrene, Yellow Fever, and Scurvy and were completely unaware, for example,  that Francisco Pizarro, after doing a mighty fine job of wiping out the entire Incan Empire, ran out of luck and was assassinated by followers of one of his captains.

Today, we have both a zillion ways to know what’s going on in the world and a zillion people who are ready to make predictions about what comes next.  We have an entire population of prognosticators at our disposal, as well as bunkers and debunkers.

This writer, armed only with a cup of coffee and a refrigerator filled with congealing Christmas and  New Years Eve treats, has put together a list of what we can all look forward to in the coming year.  The following is based on deep research, and an uncanny understanding of history, economics, and the tendency of humans to demean themselves in ever more creative ways.

Congress, after trying to resolve The Fiscal Cliff will, instead, sell it to a Chinese conglomerate that will tear it down and build a large shopping mall on the site.

The NRA will propose that the US symbol which currently shows an eagle with 13 arrows in one talon and an olive branch in the other, be changed to a portrait of Jesus holding a Kalashnikov AK (AK-47) AKS Assault Rifle.

The Greek government will reveal that the only thing it has in its treasury is a bunch of groupons.

A Republican Congressperson will have a torrid affair with another Republican Congressperson and/or an inanimate object.

All names of African countries will be thrown into a blender and redistributed.

The Unites States will continue to be the #1 world supplier of fat people, oversize dinner plates, and diet plans.

All professional sports in the US will be sponsored by the Medical Marijuana Growers Association.

The Kardashians and the Duggars will compete for the Guinness Book of Records category “Largest Family in Which All Members Look Exactly Alike and Dress Exactly Alike.”

Kim Kardashian will be thrown a baby shower whose cost equals the GNP of The Netherlands.

A reality show will be developed around a dangerous but wacky and lovable Russian Mafia family.

Twitter will release all past and present Tweets into space, causing an electromagnetic pulse that effectively stops all life on earth, except for rats, roaches, and Dr Oz.

Here’s to 2013. Come out of hiding and go for it. 

Posted in: holiday, humor, satire