Living Large After Death

Posted on January 3, 2013



Despite opposition from some members of his Republican party, and despite 87% of the American population being unable to pronounce his name correctly, John Boehner today won a second term as US Speaker of the House. In another joyous development, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter have been deemed safe listening fare by the Pentagon, while anything considered LGBT is not.

Let’s now leave Boehner, Limbaugh, and Coulter to their private celebrations and talk about something a lot more pleasant: death.  If you are personally anticipating death at some point in your life, this post is for you.

First off, the funeral home.  Frank E Campbell (the company, not Frank himself) has been burying the rich and famous for 115 years.  According to the website, “Service styles have varied from the most formal funeral mass to services featuring a single work of art or, once, an airplane tire.” A suggested list of services includes:  •A Bagpiper at the Funeral Service or at the place of final rest.  •A Bugler at the Interment Service.  •A Horse-drawn Hearse and Livery Coachman (distance and weather permitting). •A Memorial Release of Doves. •Cremation Ark

Now that the service is over, it’s time to decide where you want to be buried.  Remember that comfort in death is even more important as comfort in life. If the hotel room sucks, you can complain and get another room.  Once you are in the ground, it’s tough to get anyone to pay attention.

Donald Trump to the rescue. Trump announced this week that he is considering building a 1.5-acre cemetery next to his high-end golf course in Bedminster, NJ, where members pay a lifetime fee of as much as $300,000. If they want to stay beyond that, they most likely will pay a membership fee that includes burial. For a larger sum, your mausoleum will be wired for sound, and you will have the benefit of listening to Trump Talk, Trump’s new post-death talk show, piped in 24/7.  Along with Trumps daily musings on life, there will be daily updates on the birther situation.

If Trump isn’t your thing, you can choice from several other luxury cemeteries that will cost upwards of 3.5 million dollars for a historic private mausoleum.

It’s unlikely that anyone will come close to Ronald Reagan (If you don’t know who Ronald Reagan was, you are forbidden to ever read this blog again, unless you pay the blogger a huge sum of money).

Reagan spent his entire political life advocating for lower taxes, but when he died, his funeral cost US taxpayers $400 million. The funeral was “$56,800-per-hour” to operate, so it may have cost at least $1 million just to transport the body. The federal holiday and closing down of Wall Street that accompanied the funeral bumped the price tag up to around $400 million. It has also been suggested that factoring in the price of the funeral itself, security, media attendance, etc. would increase the price into the billions range.

This blogger, committed to cremation and subsequent scattering of the ashes, most likely won’t need the services of either Donald Trump or anyone else. But, just in case she changes her mind, she has stored an old car tire in the garage.  


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