Despite opposition from some members of his Republican party, and despite 87% of the American population being unable to pronounce his name correctly, John Boehner today won a second term as US Speaker of the House. In another joyous development, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter have been deemed safe listening fare by the Pentagon, while anything considered LGBT is not.
Let’s now leave Boehner, Limbaugh, and Coulter to their private celebrations and talk about something a lot more pleasant: death. If you are personally anticipating death at some point in your life, this post is for you.
First off, the funeral home. Frank E Campbell (the company, not Frank himself) has been burying the rich and famous for 115 years. According to the website, “Service styles have varied from the most formal funeral mass to services featuring a single work of art or, once, an airplane tire.” A suggested list of services includes: •A Bagpiper at the Funeral Service or at the place of final rest. •A Bugler at the Interment Service. •A Horse-drawn Hearse and Livery Coachman (distance and weather permitting). •A Memorial Release of Doves. •Cremation Ark
Now that the service is over, it’s time to decide where you want to be buried. Remember that comfort in death is even more important as comfort in life. If the hotel room sucks, you can complain and get another room. Once you are in the ground, it’s tough to get anyone to pay attention.
Donald Trump to the rescue. Trump announced this week that he is considering building a 1.5-acre cemetery next to his high-end golf course in Bedminster, NJ, where members pay a lifetime fee of as much as $300,000. If they want to stay beyond that, they most likely will pay a membership fee that includes burial. For a larger sum, your mausoleum will be wired for sound, and you will have the benefit of listening to Trump Talk, Trump’s new post-death talk show, piped in 24/7. Along with Trumps daily musings on life, there will be daily updates on the birther situation.
If Trump isn’t your thing, you can choice from several other luxury cemeteries that will cost upwards of 3.5 million dollars for a historic private mausoleum.
It’s unlikely that anyone will come close to Ronald Reagan (If you don’t know who Ronald Reagan was, you are forbidden to ever read this blog again, unless you pay the blogger a huge sum of money).
Reagan spent his entire political life advocating for lower taxes, but when he died, his funeral cost US taxpayers $400 million. The funeral was “$56,800-per-hour” to operate, so it may have cost at least $1 million just to transport the body. The federal holiday and closing down of Wall Street that accompanied the funeral bumped the price tag up to around $400 million. It has also been suggested that factoring in the price of the funeral itself, security, media attendance, etc. would increase the price into the billions range.
This blogger, committed to cremation and subsequent scattering of the ashes, most likely won’t need the services of either Donald Trump or anyone else. But, just in case she changes her mind, she has stored an old car tire in the garage.
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Please visit www.guerrillaaging.wordpress.com for our latest post by Jean Calomeni. Jean is that rare person who speaks as beautifully though her art as through her words. Her words, http://snoringdogstudio.wordpress.com, and her watercolors and illustrations, www.snoringdogstudio.com, are as personal, as authentic and as evocative as the piece you are about to read.
ryoko861
January 3, 2013
And the people of Bedminster NJ won’t mind paying the extra fee!! It’s one of the more cushy areas of the state! What’s a “Bugler”? I thought it said “Burgler” at first, but had to go back and read that again. I was thinking, “Who’d want to be stolen at their funeral?” Just a blonde moment.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2013
Oh, funny. Bugler, as in one who plays the bugle. Actually, the ancient Egyptians had a lot of tomb burglers at their burials. Put em in, clean em out.
Barneysday
January 3, 2013
I would think that Trump and his trumped-up ego would take up the entire 1.5 acre plot he is planning!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2013
Seriously right. His hair, alone, would need so much space.
omawarisan
January 3, 2013
I’ve decided I’d like to be shot out of a cannon into the ocean off the Keys. It’s green (I’m biodegradable, most stuff my age isn’t), and I can give my friends one more good laugh.
I’m a big Jean C. fan, what a great choice for a guest writer.
Snoring Dog Studio
January 4, 2013
A giant hug coming your way, Oma. You dear man.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2013
Yes, Jean C is great. I like the canon/Keys idea. I haven’t decided where my ashes will be scattered. Maybe on the clean rug of someone I don’t like.
Susan in TX
January 3, 2013
“Trump Talk, Trump’s new post-death talk show, piped in 24/7. Along with Trumps daily musings on life, there will be daily updates on the birther situation.”
This would be proof positive that there is a hell. Thanks for the laugh.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2013
You are welcome. Both Donald and I thank you for reading.
speaker7
January 4, 2013
So just to be clear, being buried in a tomb that allows one to hear Donald Trump speak is the literal hell, right?
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2013
That would be the best definiton ever, of hell.
The Sandwich Lady
January 4, 2013
Loved this! Remembered when we buried my dad about 15 years ago. Punch-drunk with sadness, we were joking at the funeral home about the cost of the burial, after viewing caskets like one high-end one called the “dignity” model. The ladies’ room included a basket of complimentary combs emblazoned with the name of the funeral home, and my sisters and I helped ourselves to quite a few to “get our money’s worth.” Can’t believe that one of your biggest cash outlays will be when you’re dead and can’t enjoy it. I want my kids to cremate me, scatter my ashes and take the money they would have spent to have a big party and tell stories about me.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2013
And that, methinks, is the perfect way to go.
Snoring Dog Studio
January 4, 2013
I’ve told my sister quite often that she is to take me up to the foothills and prop me up against a tree. But I’ve since rethought that idea. I’m fine with leaving this world as ashes tossed into the wind. With the thrower upwind, of course.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2013
Good one!
benzeknees
January 5, 2013
OMG $400 million for Reagan’s funeral? Nancy always was a little frivolous LOL!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2013
It boggles the mind, doesn’t it. With that cost, you’d think the government would have figured out a way to keep him alive.
albertgenau
January 5, 2013
Reblogged this on albertgenau.
Valentine Logar
January 5, 2013
When my my ex died after having been dead to me for years, my sons wanted to bury him (I think so they would finally know where he was). They were still poor college students without two nickles to rub together that I didn’t give them. The dead ex, he died in broke too, of course. Me? I would have had the county burn him and hand me the ashes in a brown paper bag so I could toss them in the nearest trash bin for some homeless person to pee on (but that is just me).
I am a loving mother though. I did not want to traumatize my sons with my evil fantasies of revenge. I handed over the money for a cheap casket, a plot and a headstone. I think they had a graveside memorial (I did not attend). Even going cheap it still cost close to six grand.
Me, just burn and scatter me over my beloved Texas Bluebonnets in the Spring in the Hill Country. Play me some Lyle Lovett and some Willie Nelson, blast it loud while my ashes scatter. Then have a party!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 5, 2013
You are a good woman, Valentine.
Valentine Logar
January 5, 2013
Not certain that is entirely true. I am a controlled woman, I keep my fantasies tapped down so they do no harm to those I love.
Main Street Musings Blog
January 7, 2013
Unlike Trump, I’ll settle for a pine box.
Sienna (@datingseniormen)
January 7, 2013
It seems awfully scary to have music piped into one’s mausoleum. What if eternity is hundreds of thousands of years and it’s not Count Basie or Guide Me Oh Thou Great Redeemer you have to lie there and listen to, but Andy Williams — or Russell Crowe?