In an event even more shocking than the removal of a 9 inch dildo from the intestines of a 30-year-old man in Zhongshan, China, the Hostess Company, purveyors of food like substances since 1930, is shutting its doors. No longer will chubby fingers be able to pull apart such nutrient-deficient but oh-so-fun products as Sno Balls, Devil Dogs, Funny Bones, Ring Dings, Yodels, Zingers, Donettes, Ding Dongs, Ho-Hos, and Twinkies.
“We deeply regret the necessity of today’s decision, but we do not have the financial resources to weather an extended nationwide strike,” Hostess Chief Executive Gregory F. Rayburn said in a statement Friday, just after he had tripled his salary to $2.55 million while the company was preparing to go into bankruptcy.
Even before the public announcement, Black Marketeers knew that scientists had always suspected that Twinkies, along with roaches and Donald Trump, would be able to survive a nuclear holocaust. They began to identify facilities around the globe which had held Twinkies, sometimes against their will, for scientific research since 1933. A number of sites were located, among them the Los Alamos Proving Ground, and Chernobyl. An underground market for the prized Twinkies sent prices soaring, even before the product had been presented to the public.
Then, in a surprise move, Hostess announced that the company would most likely be sold to a 10 billion dollar Mexican company run by a billionaire baking family, the Servitjes. Their company, Grupo Bimbo (I am not making this up) ranks as the world’s largest bread maker.
“We purchased Sara Lee last year,” Daniel Servitje Montull, the Head Bimbo, said, “and now, Sara Lee has become a real Bimbo. We have always believed that Ding Dongs and Bimbo should go together.” Our ultimate goal is to see a Bimbo slide into every mouth on the planet.”
Which brings us seamlessly to the place where we began. “Apparently it is fairly common for doctors to remove stuck sex objects,” doctor Yao Liqing of Zhongshan Hospital said: “There have been three similar cases so far this year. In the previous two or three years, we only had one such case. These patients were in deep pain when they arrived at the hospital. People must use sex toys properly and avoid ones that are too big, as they can hurt people.”
If this writer had any class, she would refrain from making the obvious observation about what would happen if Daniel Servitje’s company purchased a dildo company and called it Bimbo’s Dildos. But she has no class, so screw it.
Lisa Wields Words
November 19, 2012
I love your lack of class in the face of such a horrifying twinkie catastrophe.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
I can be depended upon to have an appalling lack of class in most catastropic circumstances.
tori nelson
November 28, 2012
Hahaha. Lack of class is one of my few talents. My parents were hoping I’d take up fencing or French, but you gotta go with what you know, right?
dropopp.com
November 19, 2012
I am a crazy person too…I did not know this insane information re: the dildo episode…What is wrong with people?? Lost in their frightening realities…glad I dont live there…thanks for the enlightenment i think??
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
Any time. My head is filled with nonense that I love to distribute to anyone who stands still long enough.
jessicajhill
November 19, 2012
Absolutely hilarious. It’s only a matter of time before Bimbo’s Dildos is all over the headlines…
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
Thanks, jessica. Maybe I should copyright the phrase.
Walker Thornton (@WalkerThornton)
November 19, 2012
So much to comment on here…. The huge salary…. Sara Lee a bimbo….. the emergence of a Mexican food company named Grupo Bimbo! and, the sense of loss I feel at never having experienced a deep-friend Twinkie.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
Just reading that line makes my arteries clog and makes me want to learn how to shoot.
Snoring Dog Studio
November 19, 2012
My brother, who used to work in the ER, has a lot of similar stories. You shake your head in amazement, but these things happen. We think that children are the only creatures who cram things in their orifices. Not true.
It’s Monday, and you’ve treated me with a pic of a Kardashian. Not a good start. By the way, I adore the Sno-Balls but I found a recipe for them on the interwebs. Yipppeeeeee!
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
I can’t imagine how creative people must be. And hope your day improves from this low point.
Shelley
November 19, 2012
Wow, your time away from blogging has unleashed your creative juices (okay, so I’m sure you can have fun with THAT comment). Thanks for giving me several days worth of laughs.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
You are welcome, Shelley. And, yes, I am now mentally on a roll with the thought of what can be done with one’s creative juices.
K.L.RichardsonKathy R.
November 19, 2012
Given the long shelf life of Twinkies I am sure that hidden caches will be unearthed, becoming a hot item on ebay for many decades to come!
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
Maybe it’s time to start stocking up now. I still regret having sold all my kids’ comic books.
Carl D'Agostino
November 19, 2012
Hostess loss no big deal. But Lil’ Debbie cakes demise would be an eye catcher for me.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
Oh dear.
omawarisan
November 19, 2012
Bimbo makes toast. The company, not Kardashian. They sell premade toast.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
I am seriously blown away by this bit of news, Oma. I will Google immediately.
Kathryn McCullough
November 19, 2012
OMG, Renee–this is too, too Twinkie-perfect! For the love of snack foods, how is this possible?
By the way, happy Thanksgiving, my friend!
Hugs,
Kathy
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
Thanks, Kathy. Long story, but I no longer get anyone’s posts, even tho WP tells me I am getting them. It’s horrible and a relief at the same time (my business was going down the drain because I was reading posts all day). I was searching for your blog last night. You have a fabulous following now, as you deserve. Have a great Thanksgiving!
Pauley
November 19, 2012
Oh my little princess, use always bring me such joy & laughter with y’r tit-toe-lating commentree – u amuse me – Pauley “the Idol watcher”
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
All for you, darling.
The Byronic Man
November 19, 2012
Doesn’t it seem inconceivable for Hostess to go broke? Hmmm… if only there was some way to market snack cakes to a junk-food dependent, easy-snack obsessed culture… Hmmmm…
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
Oh Byronic, you should seriously consider writing a blog.
ryoko861
November 19, 2012
SO many Twinkie/Legalizing Marijuana jokes circulating! You should add “Photoshop” to the title, which cracked me up from the start! I couldn’t imagine what you were going to be blogging about!
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
I like to keep ’em guessing, and, since I never have any idea what I will write about until I start writing, it always works out.
SocietyRed
November 19, 2012
Way to come full-circle with the story. Funny (and a little scary). Ding Dong dildos for the Ho Ho’s!
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 19, 2012
Thanks, Red. And a big ho-ho to you.
chlost
November 19, 2012
This story was ripe for your taking….and that you did, with aplomb! 🙂
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 20, 2012
Hey thanks. Life just keeps providing.
Betty Londergan
November 19, 2012
Do you think the wealthy Bimbo Mexico baking cartel is actually a clever front for the Sinaloa drug lords and if so, will they be reconstituting Twinkies to fill them with addictive cream fillings that will explode passionately in your mouth (or other orifices) leading one to just want more, more, more???
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 20, 2012
I always thought Twinkies were filled with some addictive substance, anyway. Otherwise, why on earth would anybody want to eat them?
isthisthemiddle
November 19, 2012
Such naughtiness! I am shocked, shocked, I say. 😉 Truth is oh so much stranger than fiction.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 20, 2012
Yes, and getting stranger all the time.
DUH'Merica
November 20, 2012
Brilliant post, I loved it. Very creative.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 23, 2012
Thanks!
pegoleg
November 20, 2012
Thanks for closing the loop for us on these seemingly disparate topics. (Now heading off to wash brain out with really, really strong disinfectant.)
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 20, 2012
Good luck, but I think it’s too late.
Rich Geisel
November 21, 2012
Totally enjoyed the read. Proof that people are willing to put just about anything into the few openings we have.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 22, 2012
Thanks, Rich. And politicians keep locating new openings all the time.
Valentine Logar
November 22, 2012
I am overjoyed by the picture, it was a perfect entry to Bimbo Dildo. What more need be said.
Life in the Boomer Lane
November 22, 2012
Thanks, Valentine!
nrhatch
November 25, 2012
Aye, yay, yay, yay . . . the Frito Bandito better watch out now that Grupo Bimbo is in charge of Funny Boners.
Anonymous
November 28, 2012
I heard that Grupo Bimbo is now out of the running. Too bad.
Sightsnbytes
December 4, 2012
we never had twinkies here in Canada, so I don’t know what all the fuss is about, but we do have Vachon cakes, and I assume that they are similar. Nice post. Isn’t it funny how much attention your blog gets when you include the words ‘boob’, ‘dildo’ or ‘tit’? I wrote a few, one called ‘the sex toy’ another called ‘boob’s (which had nothing to do with an actual breast) and a story about the time I bought my crabby female boss a talking dildo…Nice blog you have here, perhaps I will take a look around…