Ur-ine Control

Posted on December 1, 2011


Many people, especially older boomers, often wonder why technology is important.  They mostly wonder this at the exact time they are using technology.  At other times, they pretend technology doesn’t exist. But pretending technology doesn’t exist is dangerous.  Imagine a massive, rabid bear (technology) beating your front door down (your actual front door), clawing your eyes out (your throat can be substitued), eating all the food in your refrigerator, and then reading your book and, instead of using a bookmark when it is finished, it turns one of the page’s corners down.  This is what will happen if you don’t stay up with current trends in technology.  Aside from that, you have nothing to worry about.

To help you, we present a new feature, called, “I Want it to Go Away, But it Won’t: Latest Technology Trends Boomers Need to Know About.”

Santa App: Children can plug in exactly what they want for Christmas, and parents or grandparents can choose from that list.  This is seen to be a huge improvement over children having to look at adults and use their voice boxes to say what they want or, even worse, writing a list and giving it to them.  The Santa app bypasses potentionally awkward communication situations.

Self-Recognition Robots: Qbo,a new robot, is capable of recognizing himself in the mirror. As seen in a sample video, Qbo looks in the mirror and responds by saying “Oh, this is me. Nice.” Shortly after the video ended, Qbo asked for a comb and some hair gel, as well as the location of clubs around town.

Origami Baby Stroller: The first self-folding stroller to hit the market.  Parents are cautioned to either remove the baby from the stroller before activating the fold-up mechanism, or to provide at least a week’s supply of food inside the stroller.

iPhone with Built-in Bottle Opener: Cell phone users have long complained about their inability to open bottles while having conversations or texting.  The success of the iPhone bottle opener has now led to development of an iPhone shoe horn, an iPhone flat iron, and an iPhone pap smear kit.

Gaming Urinals: Like most house cats, men spend many hours staring at walls when they urinate.  Captive Media has come up with a urinal mounted, urine-controlled games console, which allows for hands-free gaming.  Testers all applauded (also by way of urine stream) the devices.

Spy Sunglasses: These are sunglasses that have the abilty to secretly record (camera or camcorder) what the wearer is looking at, for all those times in life when secret recording is necessary.  A direct quote is needed here, “To make sure your “mission” to record a particular tryst from a table away without looking too suspicious, the manufacturer has thrown in a remote control into the mix – this means you can always place your sunglasses facing your subject, pretend to read a newspaper and use the remote to begin your recording process.”  For an extra $149.00, an authentic-looking newspaper will be provided with the sunglasses.

As with all technology use, online help is provided for those needing assistance.  Except for the gaming urinals.  No tester has actually been seen since they entered the test bathroom several weeks ago.