When Lawyers Rise From the Dead

Posted on June 18, 2011

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A Jerusalem rabbinical court condemned to death by stoning a dog it suspects is the reincarnation of a secular lawyer who insulted the court’s judges 20 years ago. 

Several weeks ago, according to the Behadrei Hadarim website, a large dog entered the Monetary Affairs Court near the ultra-Orthodox neighborhood of Mea Shearim. The dog scared the court’s visitors and, to their surprise, refused to leave even after they attempted to drive him away. 

One of the judges suddenly recalled that about 20 years ago, a famous secular lawyer who insulted the court was cursed by the panel of judges, who wished that his spirit would move on to the body of a dog (considered an impure animal by Halacha). The lawyer passed away several years ago.

Clearly still offended, one of the judges sentenced the animal to death by stoning by local children.

The canine target, however, managed to escape.

wrong dog.

In an as-yet unreported follow-up, the dog was later found by a reporter, bellied-up to the bar at the Sour Grapes Saloon, about five miles from the courthouse. 

The following conversation ensued:

Is there any truth to the allegations that you are actually an attorney?

Seriously now, do I look like an attorney? How many attorneys do you know have tails?  OK, don’t answer that question.  Just tell me, where’s the evidence?

Well, you seem to be evading the question. That’s attorney-like.

Actually it’s politician-like. Politicians give me the creeps. I mean, really, how far down on the ethics ladder can you go?  Lawyers are seriously maligned.  And as for dogs, I’ll take doggie-style on the lawn anyday over sexting. Yeech.

I’ll concede that one.  But attorneys do manipulate the truth.

Watch it, Bud. One more comment and I’ll sue for libel.

Dogs can’t sue for libel.

Lassie vs MGM. 1961. Read it and weep.

You are talking like an attorney. 

Listen, if I were an attorney, I’d be in some fancy schmancy office, not in a crummy bar. (sniffs butt and orders another drink)

I still need to know if the charges against you are correct.

(Yawning) Here’s the deal. I charge $500 an hour.  If you don’t get out of here now, you’ll get a bill for this.

That’s totally an attorney thing.

Sorry, Bud, this interrogation ends now.  You asked for it.  I’ll send that bill out to you in the morning. And, if you don’t pay it, I’ll haul your ass into court. I may not be a lawyer, but I know my rights. (A siren drowns out the conversation) Whoa, that ambulance has my name on it!  I’m off!

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Posted in: humor, life, satire