Most people know it’s spring because of sudden, all consuming, uncontrollable thoughts of love. Or the sight of the first shock of color against a grey-smeared landscape. Or the heady, intoxicating, sweetly ephemeral scent of the air. Not Life in the Boomer Lane. She knows it’s spring because the ants are back in her pantry.
Over the years, she’s done about everything there is to do and spent about everything there was to spend. In the pantry, she scrubbed, she sprayed, She set traps. Outside, she paid several different professionals to hunt down nests and do their dirty.
LBL put the sugar and the honey in the refrigerator. She placed everything in the pantry into space age, non-permeable, zip lock bags The only thing the ants had now were canned goods and dry pasta.
Then LBL read Empire of the Ants by Bernard Werber. This is an outstanding book to read if you have never had an ant in your house. It is a very bad book to read if you have ants. It humanizes ants. It is a novel, but it is based on about a million hours of observation of ant behavior, which LBL could have had if she had moved into her pantry. In this book, ants were heroes. They fought battles with beetles and spiders and they passed heroic tales on to their young. Mostly they communicated with each other using pheromones. And their ultimate reward was to get screwed by people (no connection here between the screwing and the pheromones) all in the name of science.
LBL didn’t want to be one of those people. She wanted to make up for human foolishness and violence. There was only one way LBL could do that. She stopped killing the ants. Instead, LBL stood at the pantry and sent the lone ant scout overwhelming thoughts of mutual respect and love. And it was obvious that he understood the olive branch LBL was offering. He scurried (or whatever it is that ants do with those teeny little legs that you can’t even see) back to the nest and communicated her 60s flower power message to the others. They responded with all of their millennia of antlike emotional being: They turned her pantry into World Ant Central. It was completely and totally disgusting.
She started killing ants again. Bare-handed.
The ants are back. And now things have gotten worse. Thanks to Elly at www.Bugginword.com, a blog LBL follows religiously (Elly has more followers than a Queen Ant, and she doesn’t even have to lay millions of eggs to do it, although LBL suspects she’d be really proud of herself if she could), has called LBL’s attention to the advent of “Zombie Ants.” LBL looked it up, and it is totally real. Scientists have identified four new species of brain-controlling fungi that turn ants into zombies that do the parasite’s bidding before it kills them. The article went on to say that Dick Cheney originally discovered the parasite and experimented with in on (Note to readers: LBL will NOT stoop so low as to complete her George W Bush joke, here. The man is no longer President. Let him rest in peace).
So that’s it. LBL has ants in her pantry. And they are, She is 100% sure, Zombie Ants. And they will completely take over, not only her pantry, but Miracle the Cat’s brain (which she’s thinking would be mighty easy to take over, since it is composed almost entirely of cells that tell her to stare for hours at blank walls).
LBL has to find her copy of Empire of the Ants, go back to the pantry and start beating the shit out of the little f—kers with it.
Emily Jane
March 8, 2011
Awww, I do admire your peace offering – too bad something got lost in translation 😦 I hope you can get the problem sorted soon!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 8, 2011
Must be something awry with my pheromones.
Hippie Cahier
March 8, 2011
Yes, sometimes the flower power thing just doesn’t cut it. I’m glad you gave it a shot, though. Maybe if we all joined together and meditated on it at the same appointed hour? Nah.
Love the pictures, especially Aunt Gert. 🙂 Oh, and hey, I got the update in email!
lifeintheboomerlane
March 8, 2011
Hoo-ray about the update. The ants were really amazing in that book. Now they are smashed under it.
36x37
March 8, 2011
In the book, when the ants battled the spiders, did they win? If yes, please send your ants to Columbus to take care of the spiders in my office. Nasty.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 8, 2011
Ugh. Why does wildlife not stay in the wild, where it is supposed to?
Kathryn McCullough
March 8, 2011
I want to read that book! We have a massive problem with ants at our house here in Haiti, and it’s beginning to seem easier to just let them be (or move back to the US, as the case may be–ants win!).
I also love the notion of Zombie ants and can’t get enough George W. Bush jokes!
Hugs from Haiti,
Kathy
lifeintheboomerlane
March 8, 2011
It was a fascinating book. It flips back and forth between the human family and the ants. The ants were way more interesting. A friend of mine lived in an ashram in India for several years. They kept the legs of any furniture in saucers of water. That acted like a moat and the ants were deterred from crossing and crawling up into everything. Of course the ants in that book would have found a way.
planejaner
March 8, 2011
oh, ants…
wow. that is the ickness…
I am terribly sorry they are zombie ants, too…since they are already technically dead…how will you kill them for reals?
🙂
blessings, and hang in there–are they only around in the spring?
jane
lifeintheboomerlane
March 8, 2011
They come out in the spring and stay until it gets cold. This is amazing: My ex sister-in-law read the post and told me she got rid of her ants by sprinkling Equal around. They took it back to the nest and died. Not a ringing endorsement for human use of Equal, is it? But I’m going to go out and buy me some Equal!
Katybeth
March 8, 2011
Well you tried! Gave mutual respect your best shot before and after.
I will move spiders and bugs out of my house if possible. If not possible–I console myself with the idea that I would never harm an insect or a bug intentionally in its own environment and try very hard not to disrupt its environment. However when they come into my environment–its at their own risk.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 8, 2011
I do the move-them-outside thing too. Unless they are threatening my life (i.e.: looking like they are going to fly into my face). Things like flies are dead meat around here. I go after them.
carldagostino
March 8, 2011
The ants started visiting the kitchen here in Miami about three weeks ago. They are making my 88 year old mother crazy and she swears she will move out to stay in a motel but she can’t drive and she is making me and my 88 year old father crazy and I am afraid I will become 88 in the next several days if they don’t go away. I tried to explain to mother about multiculturalism and the United Nations thing and the unity of the animal thing and the God’s creatures thing but she ain’t buying it. I also told her that the ants were Presbyterians like us but she ain’t buying that either.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 8, 2011
I have no idea what, if any, religion ants subscribe to (although their lock step way of life would indicate a Fundamentalist bent). However, I have been instructed to try sprinkling (pouring) Equal around where they congregate and along the trails. I’m going to try it. Good luck with the ants, your mom, and the threat of accelerated aging.
Tori Nelson
March 8, 2011
“sent the lone ant scout overwhelming thoughts of mutual respect and love. And it was obvious that he understood the olive branch I was offering.” – Genius. I admire your bare-handed slaughtering. I chase ours around the house wearing my rubber dish gloves. I’m fairly certain they’re just sticking around to laugh at me 😦
lifeintheboomerlane
March 8, 2011
Thanks, Tori. Now that I have read “Empire of the Ants,” I can tell you for a fact that they are laughing at you. Sorry about that.
Marion Driessen
March 8, 2011
There’s a whole army of ants and only one of you. But even then you will get into their little brains and figure a way to beat them. Not to death, but at least into oblivion. Fool them, send them onto circular routes, create a river they can’t cross.
And keep writing, you crack me up 😀
lifeintheboomerlane
March 8, 2011
Thanks, Marion. It’s people like who who give me courage to keep going in the Ant War.
Carole
March 8, 2011
Didn’t get the ‘aunt Gert thing” until I said ‘aunt’with an American accent! Gotcha!
BTW it doesn’t need to be spring, it is autumn here and the little buggers are in my pantry too..not to mention the moths.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 8, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane and commenting, Carole! Ants, ugh. Moths, double ugh. Are they pantry moths? I had those years ago. I had to dump all the food I had to see where they were coming from. It was a box of Baby Familia cereal. Truly disgusting.
writerwoman61
March 9, 2011
Sorry about your ant problem, Renée! How do you feel about a pet anteater?
We know it’s spring here when the snow melts enough that you can smell the dog poop lurking under it!
Wendy
lifeintheboomerlane
March 9, 2011
Oh, what an unsavory way to end my day.
Lisa
March 9, 2011
I get ants in the pantry, but please explain to me why I have ants in the bathroom? Do I have to hide my vanilla body wash or what?
lifeintheboomerlane
March 9, 2011
Thanks for reading Life in the Boomer Lane and commenting. I know the answer to the ant question! Or at least, I have an idea. I had the same problem (still do). Is the bathroom above the kitchen? If so, they are crawling up inside the walls. Do you have ivy on the exterior of the house? Then they are crawling along that. If neither, then hide the body wash and set large bombs in the medicine cabinet.
murr brewster
March 9, 2011
Oh jeez. I’ve posted something on the annual ant convention here in the kitchen for the past two years. I don’t even want to start thinking about it until I do my taxes. One thing at a time.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 9, 2011
And that’s exactly why it was so annoying: Ants and taxes came at the same time. Maybe I should send an envelope of dead ants to the IRS.
murr brewster
March 10, 2011
And I’m a good liberal. I don’t mind paying my taxes, I just hate figuring them out. And with the ants–I don’t mind the ants, I just hate coming up with a plan–no wait, I really do hate the ants.
Archie Harders
March 9, 2011
When I was in the Peace Corps, we had unscheduled visits from something akin to army ants. For a couple of days, everyone would go somewhere else while the ants cleaned house.
Not a festival, perhaps, but a welcome event. We Yovos (Westerners) were grateful that the ants had killed all the cockroaches … and we’d be blissfully cockroach-free (they were the size of bombers in West Africa) for a few weeks.
I guess you don’t have stinkbugs.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 9, 2011
Nice system they had going there. I am still creeped out about the ant invasion in “Poisonwood Bible.” No stinkbugs here. The rule is One pest at a time.
Elly Lou
March 9, 2011
The ants in the book didn’t hurt any lady bugs, did they? I’d hate to have to launch an ant jihad over here.
(And for the record, I’m plenty freaked about ONE egg. What the fuck would I do with a zillion? That thought makes my vision go all fuzzy.)
lifeintheboomerlane
March 9, 2011
No ladybug genocide. With a zillion eggs, you could rule the world. Ukes for everyone.
Todd Pack
March 9, 2011
We had ants one summer when I was in a kid. Someone told my dad to leave a slice of cucumber on the countertop overnight. The next morning, that thing was black with ants. We threw the cucumber out, but the next day, the ants were back. (So, again, zombie ants.) The only sure-fire cure I’ve found is calling the exterminator.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 9, 2011
I’m going to try Equal on the advice of my ex sister-in-law. If it words, I’ll spread the word and then write an expose about how Equal is actually a poison.
sunshineinlondon
March 9, 2011
At least you don’t have ants in your pants, Renee! Do you know that expression? It means to be agitated and restless and excited about something that’s about to happen.
Ants in your pantry? Not too sure what the deeper meaning of that is, but I hope your book does the trick.
Sunshine xx
lifeintheboomerlane
March 10, 2011
The discovery of the term “ants in your pants” coincided with the invention of the first picnic. It was a very short picnic.
deliriouslydivine
March 10, 2011
I’m guessing the ants are polygamists, or rabbits in disguise… cause they come in large troups. I’m feeling your pain, but only when it’s rainy.. then I have an influx. You’ve saved me some work, I’m skipping right to the book-smashing approach.
Nice family picture though.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 10, 2011
Rain definitely makes it worse. Book-smashing is great. But there’s something so deliciously primal about hand-smashing.
sparksinshadow
March 10, 2011
Don’t know how to get rid of my ants either, but I’ll be tuning in for the results of your Equal experiment! (Although mine are worse around my cat’s dish, and I don’t want to hurt her with the fake sugar. Oh, the conundrum!)
lifeintheboomerlane
March 10, 2011
Thanks for visiting Life in the Boomer Lane and commenting! I will keep everyone posted, since this seems to be a universal problem, and more importantly, since I’d love to start a scandal about Equal.
Jack
March 10, 2011
A good ant infestation is a thing of beauty….in someone else’s kitchen. 😉
lifeintheboomerlane
March 10, 2011
Well said.
Allison
March 13, 2011
Ugh to aunts. I had a gnat problem for a while until I discovered the culprit– a rotten potato that had fallen behind the flour cannister in the pantry. Gag, ick, and finally an end to having to murder gnats with my bare fingertips.
I now keep a strict inventory of potatoes. No potato left behind (a cannister). Ever.
lifeintheboomerlane
March 13, 2011
I love that line: No potato left behind. I’m already thinking how you could write a post about that. After all, mice, roaches, and ants get all the attention. Why not get people grossed out about gnats as well?
Allison
March 15, 2011
Make that ants. Not aunts. I have some very nice aunts.