George, George, George

A lot has been written about Congressman and Newly-Crowned Member of the House Committee on Small Business and the Committee on Science, Space, and Technology. The information is coming in at an alarming rate. What’s a poor schmuck to believe? In a service to Loyal Readers, Life in the Boomer Lane arranged for a private interview with George. She reveals it here, before the NYT or Washington Post gets a hold of it:

LBL: Congressman Santos, it’s a real honor to be interviewing you.

Santos: Thanks, LBL. But I do want to get one thing very clear. My true family name isn’t Santos. It’s Saint US. My family was told thousands of years before anyone even thought of either the United States or of a Burger King Whopperito, that one day, an heir to my family would become the savior of a country called the “US.” We have been patiently waiting for all this time.

LBL: I’m seriously impressed, George. I mean like a lot of seriously, here. So you are the Messiah of the US?

Santos: You said it, not me. I’m known for not tooting my horn, in spite of the fact that I can toot a horn so well that I graduated from Julliard Music School in horn-tooting. I’m pretty much known throughout the world as the Biggest Tooter around.

LBL: Seriously impressed again, George. What else don’t we know about you?

Santos: I hate to talk about myself. But I’m sort of flattered to have been chosen as People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive Ever of all Known Time.” Both Brad and George have been really bummed about this, but, like, I told them, “Hey, I didn’t ask for this. While you guys have been flaunting your gonads all over social media, I have been way too busy heading my own foundation that runs Doctors Without Borders and the Gates Foundation, to think about my sexiness.”

LBL: I thought the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation was created by Bill Gates and run by Mark Suzman.

Santos: A common misconception. Bill was really bummed over always being accused of injecting people with mind-altering substances in the guise of vaccines. I know that wasn’t true because I headed the team that created all vaccines currently in use in the world. I took the foundation off his hands. He is very grateful to me.

LBL: Is there anything you haven’t done? Your grandparents were victims of Hitler. You have saved countless vulnerable animals. You were a volleyball superstar. You graduated from Cordon Bleu. Now, I understand that 15 years ago, you competed as a drag queen in Brazil.

Santos: You know, LBL, of all the crap that people are saying about me now, I am most upset about this. I am a staunch supporter of traditional Republican values, like being gay. And to prove that I have done absolutely nothing wrong ever in my entire life, every single GOPer has said, “He was elected. That proves beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he is innocent, innocent, innocent.”

LBL: Are you implying that election to office is sole proof of innocence?

Santos: Yes, for Republicans. Dems don’t do that. They only elect Socialist-Communists, Nazis, pedophiles and people who think slavery wasn’t the slaves’ fault.

LBL: That’s a real accusation, George.

Santos: I call it like it is, LBL. And, by the way, there is no way in hell that I would have participated in a drag show 15 years ago. Fifteen years ago, I was a 19 year old who was performing all over Europe since age seven, as the greatest piano prodigy that anyone had ever seen. Just look it up.

LBL: Where should I look it up?

Santos: On my website. I, personally, confirm everything by consulting with myself before posting it.

LBL: last question, George. You are Brazilian, I think. I can’t be sure of anything at this point. What do you think of Bolsonaro and the whole attempted coup thing?

Santos: He was originally elected to office. That means he did nothing wrong. He has been maligned. He consulted with me at Mar-a-Lago, which, by the way, I had sold to Trump. Great little getaway, right? I set Bolsonaro straight about a lot of stuff. He’s OK now.

LBL: I want to thank you for taking your valuable time to answer my questions. I’ll let you go now.

Santos: You are welcome. Good time. I’m off now to try to patch things up with the Royal Family. If I can bring William and Harry together again, I’ll have called it a productive day. It was the last thing the queen asked me to do before she died.