Here, Little Doc

Posted on January 25, 2023


It now seems that the classified and top secret docs that were found at Mar-a-lago were only the tip of the iceberg. Like glitter and Life in the Boomer Lane’s hair, once released, they have the ability to be everywhere at once. First, it was the White House, then Biden’s personal home. Now they have been found at Pence’s home. Life in the Boomer Lane is pretty sure that they will eventually be found everywhere in the country, including any number of toddler playrooms.

LBL, for one, has never really thought about Top Secret docs, just as she has never really thought about how she would make bail if she were arrested. Now she knows there are lots of categories of documents: Extremely Top Secret, Top Secret, Secret, Confidential, Eyes Only, Not Even Eyes, Restricted, Official, Internal, External, Don’t Even Think About It, Unclassified, Clearance, Free-for-All, Perplexing, Hand Wash Only, It’s Complicated and In the Question. She now understands that such categories have their own histories, rules of etiquette, regulations and gender pronouns. With the passage of time, many of these docs lose their “Top Secret” label, primarily because the stuff that was so bad and wrong and secret decades ago would not now be understood, like the document that talks about giving secret codes for spies so that they can use pay phones for free.

The task now for all those people, whoever they are, is to 1. find all the secret docs (not possible), 2. determine why they ended up where they did (also not possible), 3. determine if whoever took them was doing it for nefarious purposes (probably not possible).

Trump, so far, seems to have taken the docs he did because of his firm belief that he owns everyone and everything that he comes into contact with and can do anything he wants with them. This explains his reckless taking the docs, as well as the equally reckless taking of any number of women who deposited their bodies a bit too close to him in hotel lobbies, elevators, airplane seats and funerals “If she didn’t want me to sexually assault her, why did she place herself in the same room as me?” The big honking questions is whether he knew what he was taking, and, if he did, did he do so in order to use such docs to sell to some foreign country to use against us, to give to Russia to absolve zillions of dollars of his debt to Putin, or to sell online to his base :For a $25 donation, you can be the proud owner of a bona fide TOP SECRET DOCUMENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! BEST WAY TO SHOW YOUR PATRIATISM! (Frames and legal representation not included.)

Now, classified documents have been found in Pence’s Indiana home, along with a notebook in which Pence was forced to write “I will be a better Vice President and obey Trump” 100 times. The motives of Pence and Biden are a bit more fuzzy, here. Neither Pence nor Biden have ever (to anyone’s knowledge) racked up umpteen millions of dollars of debt to anyone, let alone to a foreign country. What would a bunch of top secret docs do for them? And, as far as LB understands, Biden’s docs are from the Dark Ages of the Obama administration, which seems like ancient history now. They didn’t even have iPads or Instagram or Uber in the year Obama was elected. And AI (artificial intelligence, for those in the know), has been exploding in the last five years. Let’s not even mention all the wowser ways we can kill people that the military has developed in the last five years. Robotics, cyber warfare, blockchain, 5G, Grab n Go, and plant-based tomato jerky have all been up-to-the-moment possibilities.

There’s no telling where classified docs will turn up next. Several of LBL’s grandsons were in her home at the holidays, and she is absolutely sure that if she moved her couch she would find several secret docs on the floor. Her grandsons would then all accuse each other of having put them there and somebody would end up getting bonked on the head. It’s not worth moving the couch.