Stuff Authors Put in Books

Congress is entirely distracted now, either trying to pass legislation or trying to stop the passage of legislation. Life in the Boomer Lane will not deter them from their respective missions by casting comments in their direction. Instead, she will address herself to something other than the GOP that annoys the shit out of her: stuff authors put in books.

LBL has a penchant for books, so much so that she has read many hundreds. She doesn’t always finish the book she is reading, though. Often, inferior writing is the showstopper. One example is when the well-over-age-40 female protagonist stands nude in front of a mirror and marvels that her breasts are exactly the same as they were at age 20. The author then provides details of what that means, usually being high, round, perky.

It is at this point that LBL stops reading the book. Sometimes, she does so even before the predictable observation that follows, that the aforementioned protagonist also has a flat belly.

Being a female, LBL is quite familiar with the human female body. She has seen her own, has seen other women naked in gyms and on nude beaches and in dressing rooms. She has seen very few women well over age 40 with high, round, perky breasts. She hasn’t even seen many non-surgically-enhanced younger women with high, round, perky breasts. Breasts come in all shapes and sizes and degrees of perkiness. Most aren’t camera-ready.

Post childbirth, most women no longer sport flat bellies. LBL, herself, even at the peak of her 105 lb nubile sexuality, didn’t have a flat belly. Birthing three children didn’t help.

The second egregious act an author can commit involves telling LBL exactly what the characters in a book look like, even if they aren’t standing nude in front of a mirror and obsessively assessing themselves. Call LBL foolish, but she likes to not be told what they look like. She would rather imagine what they look like on her own or gets hints of what they look like from the actions or reactions of people around them. Some authors feel the need to describe the height, build hair color, etc of a character from the moment that character is introduced. For LBL, this is another showstopper.

LBL also doesn’t like to be told what opinions she should have about a character or the actions being perpetrated by a character. Again, she would rather assess the character of a character (She always wanted to write that phrase) from the actions or reactions of people around them. LBL’s personal opinions about everything in the world are so much fun to formulate. She looks forward to that when reading a book. She doesn’t want the author to tell her what opinions to have. It reminds LBL of watching fellow Realtors show people through houses and saying things like “Here is the kitchen. It’s very large. You’ll love that when you cook. Here is the living room. There are lots of windows. You’ll love the light.” Surely, there has to be a better use of time than that.

The list goes on and on. LBL has tossed books on the best seller list. She has tossed books that are beloved book club favorites. She has tossed books that good friends have recommended. But, she must insert a disclaimer here. These are her opinions alone. She is not a book critic. No one is paying her for her thoughts. Unlike Congress, in which she is forced to pay for the odious opinions and behavior of many members, Loyal Readers pay bupkis for her thoughts.

LBL will now turn her attention to matters more urgent, specifically having opinions about the f-ing bird or insect that has taken up residence next to her house and makes incessant loud clicking noises that she can hear even in the house with the windows closed. It rivals Matt Gaetz in ruining her life at the moment.