The Ultimate Test of Friendship

Posted on April 2, 2020


Friendship was invented a long time ago, specifically when some random human told a second human, “Hey! There’s a Big Something behind you” just in time for the second human to jump out of the way as a surly mastodon barreled through. After that, the two became buddies and watched fighting every Friday night together.

Recent events have prevented friends from gathering together. The end of spectator sports meant the end of most male friendships. Now that restaurants and shops are closed, female friendships have been impacted. Technology, specifically visual conferencing, has stepped in, providing a way for friends to see each other with unwashed hair and wearing pajamas.

Life and the Boomer Lane and six friends decided to gather via Zoom, a popular video conferencing platform that was invented after LBL and friends were already considered old and their understanding of technology was limited to what was appearing on their grandchildren’s iPads.

One of the friends, S, sent links to the rest of the women. The idea was to click the link and the women would all magically appear on screen together. At the appointed minute, all women clicked and all hell broke loose.

LBL should add here that one friend didn’t join the group at the appointed time. She had decided to go to Costco, the humongous warehouse store where everything is sold in bulk for large families and XXX. She chose to stand in a line that wrapped around the airplane hanger-sized building, in order to buy canned vegetables and a potato.

Life in the Boomer Lane never received the email link, only a text link. She was only able to activate the screen on her cell, instead of her laptop. Her cell could not view the entire group at once. She would have shared this vital bit of information with the group, but all members of the group were sharing their own concerns, mostly at decibel levels that exceeded human levels :

“I can’t see anyone!”

“I can’t hear anyone!”

“What are you saying? I can’t hear you!”

“I should have washed my hair before this call!”

“What happened to Sandy!? She’s just a big yellow stripe!”

“I think she’s an orange stripe!”

”I’m doing something wrong but I don’t know what!”

“I probably should have washed my hair!”

“Where is the little box at the top that I’m supposed to click?!”

“I either just peed myself or spilled my coffee!”

“Why did Judy go to Costco?!”

This went on for about 20 minutes, taking up half of the precious 40 minute time allotment per call. LBL spent her time switching from cell to iPad. Each time she ended the cell call, everyone would yell “LBL is gone again!”

After 20 minutes of this, nothing was resolved. LBL had to stay on her cell, Sandy had to content herself with being a yellow stripe, D never did find the little button she needed, M’s partner stood behind her for emotional support, G stopped asking questions nobody understood, and Judy continued to stand in line at Costco, holding onto a cart which was large enough to sleep a family of four.

The group decided to move on with less frustrating topics of conversation, specifically the virus and the end of the world.

The group will try again next week. LBL has declared herself the organizer of the next attempt. She has put the group on notice. Her daughter will send the links out and stand by for technical help. No one is allowed to be on screen without washed hair and actual clothing. In fact, she is encouraging a fancy dress up event, at least from the waist up. LBL will choose topics to discuss, none of which will include the virus. J has been told that Costco will be closed that day.

Most importantly, the call will take place at Happy Hour, not at 10 AM. Some kind of beverage is required, to be contained in a wine glass.