How to Live a Coronavirus-Free Life

Posted on March 30, 2020


You may believe that coronavirus has, for good reason, become the Monster that Gobbled the Earth in One Big Bite. It is impossible to do anything without thinking about it. Even an innocent visit to the bathroom reminds one that certain citizens of this country, who shall unfortunately remain nameless, are, as we speak, still in possession of countless rolls of the soft white stuff that are depriving so many others of it in their greatest time of need.

Spectator sports, usually that neutral zone in which everyone can happily participate and spend endless hours either jumping with joy or in the depths of depression, have shut down. Shopping, the other national pastime, is now verboten. Unless one goes online, and then has to sterilize packages when they arrive, must deal with the trauma of stores being either shuttered or leaving prepaid items outside their door for customer pick up.

If you are just languishing at home, waiting for zombies to appear, take heart. Life in the Boomer Lane has discovered a magical world where political affiliation, race, religion, age, national origin, crime, emotional illness, addiction, weight, and yes, coronavirus, do not exist. Only happiness is allowed, and the price of admission is just a working credit card. That world is QVC and HSN, the two powerhouses of home shopping.

QVC and HSN know how to solve whatever needs you have. If you have no needs, they believe you have a need to need. They will happily create that need for you.

Home shopping networks will sell you jumbo deep fryers and a year’s supply of world-famous cream puffs, in addition to exercise equipment and pants with elastic waists. They fulfill all needs and cover the anticipated result of such needs. In the world of home shopping, there is simply never a need to not buy.

The world of home shopping depends on the creation of a perfect world. Hosts and hostesses speak as though everyone is part of a big, loving family that goes to church, gardens, and celebrates life by creating large, calorie-laden feasts for family and friends.

It doesn’t matter what is going on the world. Only events that require credit cards are acknowledged. Home shopping loves holidays. Christmas, especially, creates a buying frenzy, so the Christmas season starts in the summer. Coronavirus won’t sell products, and so coronavirus simply doesn’t exist.

It goes without saying that nobody mentions the virus on the shows. At the most, there might be a random reference to “more of us might be staying at home now,” or “when we do travel in the future.” But this is rare. More likely, the verbalizations are the same as ever. On recent shows, LBL heard the following:

“This at-home greeting card making kit makes any message stunning and special! Ladies, have your children and grandchildren come over and all of you can enjoy making greeting cards together for the next family birthday!”

“You know how sometimes, you wear a great outfit to church, but it’s so crowded inside the church that you start to sweat? This jacket will solve that problem. It’s perfect for either warm or cool weather!”

“If all of your thoughts lately have been of that big family gathering that’s happening soon, and if you knew my family you’d know that “big” is an understatement, you know that the worst thing that can happen is that you run out of food. Now you can enjoy delicious, never-ending deep-fried food, no matter how big your family is! And the fryer comes in an array of colors!”

LBL takes out a few minutes each day to enter a serene world of bed linens, jewelry, motorized mobility seats, loungewear, skin cream, laptops, home security systems and solar lawn ornaments. It doesn’t matter what is being sold. The only thing that matters is that there are no zombies waiting to pounce. Or, even if there were, home shopping would be ready with a Zombie Zapper, available in 10 colors, for four EZ pay payments of $5.96 or, as they would say, “five dollars and change.”