Last Minute Gifts

Posted on December 16, 2019


Last week, Life in the Boomer Lane was innocently perusing any number of intellectual and entertaining nuggets that the internet spews out on a daily basis. She came across a site for animal paw and hoof socks that make one’s feet look like any one of a number of large mammals. The one pictured was tiger paws. LBL’s brain immediately stopped whatever else it was thinking of at the moment (I’m hungry/I hate my hair/I wonder what I weigh today/Isn’t it easier for us to simply have two counties instead of one/Is the internet really tracking every single thing I do and manipulating all of my thoughts) and, instead, stare at the photo. It was mesmerizing, disturbing, and entirely terrifying. LBL had to keep looking down at her own feet to make sure they had not mysteriously turned into paws.

After she recovered, she was reminded that there were probably a lot of other interesting items for sale this holiday season that folks would inexplicably spend money on, just as there would be a lot of interesting candidates this upcoming election season that folks would inexplicably spend their votes on. Here, then, are some gifts available to those who have money but not much else:

The Ultimate Guide to Learn How to Text A Man and Make Him Beg For Your Attention. This is an actual book, written by an actual human. LBL has not read the book and will not even read a passage from the book. She will simply say that the only way she can think of to text a man and have him beg for her attention is to write: I am a professional lingerie model with no STD who would like to perform all kinds of borderline illegal sexual acts on you and then give you a really large sum of money.

In the event the above assignation is a success and turns into an engagement, a swell companion book for the above is How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

And, in the event one partner in said marriage subsequently allows the pounds to pile on, a third book might be ideal, Eat Whatever You Want and Lose Weight With Only Your Your Mind.

For those who would rather take action than simply read about self-improvement, there’s the Face Mask for Sagging Skin and Double Chins. LBL is intrigued and has ordered a dozen of them, in order to cover her entire body.

For the water lover in your life, who loves water but can’t keep track of how much they are drinking (They must have really important stuff to think about, instead, although LBL can’t imagine anything more important than keeping track of one’s minute-by-minute water consumption) The Hidrate Spark smart water bottle uses flashing lights to show progress toward a daily goal.  If one doesn’t achieve the goal by bedtime, the bottle hunts one down and forcefeeds one the required amount of water to complete.

Athletic toe shoes, those sneakers that have individual little compartments for each of ones toes, have been proven to be no more beneficial than regular athletic shoes, and only slightly less disturbing than socks that turn ones feet into paws. But they do seem perfect for those who like to keep track of their toes, at the same time they are keeping track of their water consumption.

Kangoos are jumping shoes for rnning and working out. They are built onto little springboard-like like mechanisms that bounce one all over the place and allow one to take up a lot more air space than most humans can only dream of.

Cat Kicker Fish Toy is an incredibly lifelike motorized fish that wiggles in an indredibly realistic way, thereby luring one’s adorable, soft, purring best friend and turning it into the manaical preditor it is in reality. LBL watched a video of a cat tossing, knashing, and mauling a hapless faux flounder, all for the amusement of onlookers, young and old.

Anything with the words “best” and “ever,” with the noun of a family member sandwiched in between (Best Dad Ever, Best Grandma Ever. You get the idea.)

LBL is hoping all of her immediate family reads this post. If not, she will express great surprise and delight to open a box containing a coffee mug that shreiks “Best Grandma Ever!”