The Real Alien Menace

Posted on April 29, 2019


What with all the nonsense going on in the world right now, it is understandable that some folks might not have UFOs on their radar, so to speak. If you are one of these people, know that, while you are going about your daily business, worrying about trival items like nuclear war, climate change, the demise of democracy, and the rise of authoritarian regimes all over the planet, there is an even more insideous menace on the horizon: UFOs.

This is not the stuff of adolescent films. This is real and it is knocking at our door. We can pretend that there is no knocking and go about our shallow business concerns. But the knocking will get louder and louder and soon the door will buldge in and break apart and little alien guys will invade our spaces and demand all kinds of things and if we refuse they will get really short with us (no pun intended) and take over and force us to watch stuff on TV that they are interested in, without asking what we, their hosts, would like to see.

Let it not be said that LBL has not tried to warn you in the past. At least one post has mentioned this coming event. Now, finally, the Navy has jumped in, as in the United States Navy. You can’t get much more military than that, unless you are talking about military who goosestep and wear enormous hats and take over entire countries.

To be precise, UFOs, or as they are now called, “unexplained aerial phenomena,” (not to be confused with toddlers who will suddenly leap over the rails of their cribs and land crashing to the bedroom floor), sightings have always been around. But they have seriously increased lately.  The Navy is pissed off that pilots aren’t taken seriously when they spot such phenomena.

Somebody really important named Gradisher  vowed to “investigate each and every report.” He said, “We want to get to the bottom of this. We need to determine who’s doing it, where it’s coming from and what their intent is. We need to try to find ways to prevent it from happening again.” Unfortunately, he was not talking about the 2016 election.

According to the Washington Post, a lot of smart people in the know are jumping on the tell-all bandwagon.  Until now, Navy pilots didn’t report their sightenings, due to fear of being mocked or having their careers plummet into disarray, even if their planes didn’t.  Instead, they returned from missions, and, when asked how it went, they answered, “Fine.”

Life in the Boomer lane is well-versed in this form of communication, having raised two sons. Sometimes “Fine” stands alone, as in “Tell me about your college interview.”   “Fine.”  Other times, “fine” is accompanied with other words or even a complete sentence or two.   Her younger son, in fact, called her about 2 AM on prom night to say, “Hey, Mom. So I hit this guy on a motorcycle (Younger Son did not leave for the prom driving his own vehicle), and he’s at the hospital, but he is fine.”

The NRA, when asked about the alien threat, could not produce a spokesperson, due to the current internal upheaval of the organization. They did, however, issue a response from an anonymous NRA member somewhere, who spoke from the privacy of his personal home arsenal:

The NRA,who we believe to be the first line of defense between Us and Everyone Else, has no opinion on the matter. We do, however, advise all Loyal Americans, to immediately greatly increase their number of guns and bullets, and to aim their guns skyward every night and start blasting away. We’ll show those Little Motherfuckers who is boss around here. Keep America Great!”

Posted in: humor, satire