A woman who thought she had found her soul mate on an online dating site, ultimately found herself trapped in the chimney of said man. Last week, Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa, 30, was rescued by a team of firefighters after attempting to enter the man’s home in Los Angeles.
Homeowner Lawrence Fernandez said the pair had been on six dates before he broke things off. “She seemed totally cool until the first (red) flag was her actually being on my roof two weeks ago. Having someone in your chimney is like kind of a weird thing you wouldn’t expect to come home to,” he explained.
Fernandez’ remarks bring up several questions for Life in the Boomer Lane. LBL thinks that entry into a home via chimney isn’t really a red flag. Unless one is obese and wearing a red suit, it’s more of a shrieking admission of emotional dysfunction. And how does one appear to be “totally cool” through six dates, when one’s brain is actually on Full Tilt Boogie Demento? LBL, herself, isn’t nearly as far along on the Crazy Scale as Nunez-Figueroa was, and yet, she, herself finds it fairly difficult in some situations to approximate a sane person.
Lastly, what’s with the qualifier “like kind of a weird thing?” It wasn’t “like kind of” anything. It was a weird thing. A very, very weird (and dangerous) thing.
LBL believes that this is a good moment in this post to step back and caution all devoted readers who might have been living in large ceramic urns in a cave in the desert, that participation in online dating sites (and in dating, in general) takes a certain degree of discretion and perception. For example, if one is having a pleasant dinner with someone who one met recently online, and the topic of relationship comes up, and one’s dinner partner says, “If I cared a lot about someone I would shimmy down their chimney and plop right into their house,” this should give one pause.
LBL hereby provides the following advice for would-be daters and for those who are currently in dating relationships that seem a bit iffy on the Crazy Scale. She has divided Red Flags into three main categories. Readers can print this page out and refer to it when on first dates.
MINOR RED FLAGS
Minor red flags, truly minor, occur all the time and there is no reason to become alarmed. We all exhibit behaviors occasionally that are less than optimal, and we should expect that we might see such behavior from a date. If this occurs, the date should continue to its conclusion, and thought should be given as to whether one believes that one’s date is capable of eliminating such behavior on a future date. If not, there will be no further dates.
Examples:
1. bad breath/yellow teeth/fewer than the required number of teeth
2. humming
3. becoming too physically affectionate too fast
4. taking a call while at dinner
5. asking you if you are ready to meet his parents
6. making an unkind comment about an ex-spouse
7. asking the waiter to put all parts of his meal on separate plates.
8. leaves a tip that is less than 20%
If three or more occur at the same time, this behavior immediately moves into the next category:
INTERMEDIATE RED FLAGS
An intermediate red flag would be one in which your vision for your life differs from your date’s vision for his life. You should pay absolute attention to an intermediate read flag. This is, in most cases, a show stopper. Whether to stop the date in mid-meal or to continue to its conclusion is entirely up to you.
1. explaining that he didn’t get crowns or implants because dentists charge too much
2. humming the theme song from Deliverance
3. insisting on sitting on the same side of the table as you in the restaurant
4. taking a call from an ex while at dinner
5. telling you his parents are expecting you for after-dinner drinks
6. using a five-letter word to describe an ex-spouse
7. asking the waiter to put all parts of his meal on separate plates and to bring the doggie bag with the meal
8. leaves no tip
Real Life Example: A woman LBL knows, who shall remain nameless even though she has a perfectly good name, was on a second date with a man she met online. He asked her how she felt about men who flatulated loudly and aromatically. She was still trying to process the question when an explosion ensued from his nether part. She was barely able to choke out “This date is over” before being consumed by toxic vapors.
ADVANCED RED FLAGS
Advanced red flags are behaviors that indicate that one’s date has issues that demand professional attention and/or incarceration. These dates should be ended immediately, and the authorities should be notified.
Examples:
1. bad breath and a rodent tail hanging out of one’s date’s mouth
2. humming the Nazi National Anthem
3. asking for a private booth in the restaurant, sitting next to you, telling you he isn’t wearing underwear, and asking you for an opinion about a strange rash he has developed
4. taking a call from a probation officer while at dinner
5. telling you that, after dinner, you will get to meet his parents who live in a tent in the woods
6. telling you, in reference to the ex-spouse, that he wants to kill the f-ing bitch
7. accusing the waiter of having brought him the wrong food and telling him to go back to wherever on the planet he came from
8. hands you the check and leaves
Real Life Example: Susan, of Sex and the Sixty-Year-Old fame, was bothered by a man whose teeth were in dire need of whitening (see MINOR RED FLAG above) and who had become too affectionate too quickly on a first date in a public place (ditto). While she was assessing the situation on the way back to her house, her date became irate when a fellow motorist got too close to his car. He flipped the glove compartment open and pointed to a gun that was nestled between his EZ Pass and his sunglasses. “If that f-cker gets too close again, he will regret it.” Susan asked him why he carried a gun in the car. He said, “I have one at home, one on me, and one in the car. No one will ever mess with me.” Susan asked him if he had ever had a bad experience with anyone attacking him. He said no. “And no one ever will.”
Follow this guide and one will never have a bad date. Unless, of course, one’s date shows up in bedroom slippers or leaves midway through the evening to walk his dog or any one of a number of other disturbing behaviors. LBL has tried to do the best she can. Dating, apparently, has an unlimited number of bases to cover, and LBL can’t cover them all.
btg5885
October 25, 2014
Do not walk, run to the nearest exit. This was both funny and painfully good advice. Bad breath on the first date. He (or she) is supposed to be trying to impress you. It will all be downhill after that. This reminded me of the movie with Diane Lane/ John Cusack called “Must Love Dogs” when she went through a series of interesting internet first dates, ending with one with her dad.
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 27, 2014
Dating, especially online dating, is always good fodder. Except for those who are involved.
gliderpilotlee
October 25, 2014
Chuckle, thanks, I’m guessing no one should be impressed with terrorists
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 27, 2014
Would that that were true….
gliderpilotlee
October 28, 2014
Hoping for Humor here: First, over some years I attempted the online date – it was interesting and I never felt in danger. One stands out though, I couldn’t quite put my finger on the accent in the phone conversation. Never heard one just like that, so, ok, I’m going to pick her up for a diner out. As I get closer to her home it appears to be under the landing pattern of “The Airport” almost on the end of the runway. She’s watching at the edge of the curtain and rushes right out. I meet her at the sidewalk and have to make a slit second decision as I realize this is how she gets some of her meals and say “well, let’s go find some great food” (I’m certain now she’s going to order a big dish and eat a few bites then ask for a box) I was correct– and after noticing the reason for the accent – her teeth were missing, I had to decline a second date.
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 29, 2014
Oh, my. Imagine what must have been inside the house.
katecrimmins
October 25, 2014
The big problem is that ability to “hide” the flags until after the ceremony. I remember an ex who though loud, disgusting flatulence after the ceremony was ok. He is, of course, an ex but it wasn’t only flatulence but the rest of the flags that caused the schism. That guy was probably a skilled flag twirler in high school. My point is to stay away from flag twirlers.
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 27, 2014
You bring us a great point. There are people who somehow can present the very best of themselves for awhile. And, yes (or rather no) to flag twirlers.
chlost
October 25, 2014
Oh, my! Red, orange and yellow flags on the guy with the gun! And she was having him bring her to her home? That”s even scarier.
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 27, 2014
I went berserk when she told me that happened.
Gayane
October 25, 2014
Lots of laughs and real flags here! It will take a lot to impress me nowadays, impress in a good way. That’s why am not stepping into the online dating pool. I still believe in the ‘coup de foudre’, am happy to live my life and be surprised some day. If no surprise is forthcoming, that’s ok too.
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 27, 2014
That’s a great attitude to have.
sopranomom2
October 25, 2014
Still trying to figure out how they managed to get that woman out of the chimney.
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 27, 2014
That, and what she was thinking when they did. Like, “Gosh, I should have gone through the mail slot instead.”
jazleena11
October 25, 2014
Omg
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 29, 2014
Yes, exactly.
Jane Newton Henry
October 26, 2014
I’ve been online dating for 11 months, and I thought my experiences were bad until I read this post. Now I feel a lot better!
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 29, 2014
You should read my Sex and the Sixty posts about Susan. Her experiences have been bizarre.
mybrightspots
October 27, 2014
I am eternally grateful to have married my high school sweetheart and I truly hope that if he predeceases me, it is late enough in life that I will feel no compulsion to rejoin the dating pool.
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 29, 2014
Ah, you have been given such a gift. Many of these young romances don’t work out in the end. Bravo to you and to him.
Val Boyko
October 27, 2014
Hhhmmmm … You got me thinking. I would be okay with all of the above as long as he didn’t actually show me the rash at the dinner table.
Lol
I was on on line dating for over a year until I met my now hubby. I had so much fun and learned so much about the underworld of dating at 50.
Thank you for bringing back the memories!!
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 29, 2014
My pleasure, Val. I’m laughing at “as long as he didn’t show me the rash at the dinner table.” Congrats on finding true love online. I met Now Husband online, and we’ve been married eight years now. He is a gem.
Lorna's Voice
October 29, 2014
“humming the theme song from Deliverance” Too funny! 🙂
Life in the Boomer Lane
October 30, 2014
Laughing.
benzeknees
January 8, 2015
I would hate to have to date now! My daughter is newly single & it’s a nightmare out there!