Problems We Didn’t Even Know About

Posted on January 16, 2019


The planet has been plagued with a never-ending supply of events that are disturbing, horrifying, maddening and downright annoying (although not necessarily in that order). But, if one has the stomach for it, one can find little known items that make the more well-known ones seem tame in comparison.  Life in the Boomer Lane has found several

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is a collection of plastic and assorted floating trash halfway between Hawaii and California. Winds and converging ocean currents funnel the garbage into a central location,  covering more than 600,000 square miles, which is twice the size of Texas.

This can be pretty darn exciting, if one views it as the possibility of a new state.  This new state could become a great new warm weather vacation destination, as well as a convenient stopover on one’s way to Hawaii.  And, left to its own devices, the state would just keep getting bigger and bigger, allowing for even more investment potential.

On the other hand, the floating garbage patch can eventually slam into either California or Hawaii, depending on ocean currents, wind velocity, air temperature, and what kind of mood it is in on any given day.

Space Waste refers to the approximately 20,000 pieces of old satellites and other assorted space litter that are swirling around, mostly in Earth’s orbit.   If someone figured out a way to group these together, we could create our own small space colony.  And, as with the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, it could keep getting larger and larger, ultimately aiding to relocate part of earth’s population.

The Space Waste can now be seen with a telescope. Scientists predict that in no time at all, it will be visible with the naked eye.  Given even more time, things will start falling on our heads.

Monster Fatberg While most Loyal Readers may believe that this term refers to an unnamed high-profile person who has a penchant for serving Big Macs and fries to visiting White House dignitaries, it is actually a congealed mass of fat, wet wipes, and diapers currently clogging the London sewer system.  Fatburg weighs the same as 11 double-decker buses and stretches the length of two football fields, which is, coincidently, the same as the unnamed individual who serves fast food to folks visiting the White House.

As one Brit put it, “It’s basically like trying to break up concrete. It’s frustrating as these situations are totally avoidable and caused by fat, oil and grease being washed down sinks and wipes flushed down the loo.”  Thus far, the general population hasn’t been impressed with doing anything other than what they have been doing already.

People suspect that Monster Fatberg, like the unnamed person described in this section, has plans to bulge out of the sewers and run rampant over the general population, coating innocent folks with its gooey, sticky, slimy mess.  Contrary to conventional media reports, Fatburger has already referred to itself as “the greatest fatberg ever created and one that people love.”  It has accused the press of misrepresentation. The result is a population permanently divided between pro- Fatburger and anti-Fatburger, with no resolution in sight.





Posted in: humor, satire