A Small Gathering of Michael Cohen’s Clients

Posted on April 17, 2018


Trump enters a room and greets Michael Cohen.

Mike, you called. I’m here.  Get busy and explain.  I’m behind on my Tweets.  Comey is making me work overtime.  Should I say he should go to prison or be lynched?  Or should I just say “Lock him up!” It worked before, right?   I just have to change “her” to “him.” Easy.  Or how’s this (unfolds a small piece of paper): “James Comey has single-handedly destroyed everything that is Protestant and sacred about America.  Everyone knows that he is a secret agent, working for Obama and the Russians and God hates him.”  Kellyanne helped me with this one, but I’m not so sure about it.

Have  seat, Donald. 

What’s with all the chairs?  I thought I was your only client.

Of course you are, Donald. Well, except for Elliott Broidy, of course. 

Right. That loser had to pay  1.6 mil  to the Playboy model he got pregnant.  I’m super smart, right Michael?  I’m like the smartest. I’m smarter than all the lawyers, right Michael? I  make sure not to get any of the women pregnant. Except for that housekeeper person, but I’m ready to say she’s fake or that she’s illegal. And she wasn’t such a hot cleaner either. She doesn’t deserve anything.

You’re my smartest client for sure, Donald.  Oh, here comes Sean. (Sean Hannity enters)

I don’t know why he’s here, Mike.  He never even had to pay off a porn star. He only asked you for advice about a couple real estate deals.  (Hannity sits down).

Why didn’t you ask me, Sean?  I’m the best real estate developer who ever lived. Everyone knows that.  I know everything there is to know about real estate.  I’m super smart. I built a lot of really tall buildings. They have a lot of windows and doors and stuff like that.  I know all about that stuff. Go ahead, ask me anything.  Ask me about windows, Sean.

Later, Donald. I think Michael is about to speak.

I wanted to be honest with all of you.   Full disclosure: I do have other clients, but really, each of you is my only client, if you get my drift.  Of, here is another one now.

What the hell, that guy seriously looks like Pinocchio.

It is, Donald. He had a lot of issues with the nose.  Total giveaway. I had to pay off a few people but it was worth it. It’s all cool now.

Damn, is that who I think it is, coming in?

Yeah, he’s getting a lot of flack over that poison business.  We’re trying to figure out exactly who to pay off.  I mean, beside half the world.

Doh-nold,  how goes it?

Uh, fine, I guess, Vlad.  Should we be seen together?  We gotta be really careful about that stuff, right? Hey, can we use secret names for each other?  That would be fun. (Looks around).   Hey, I’m counting three empty seats. I can’t imagine who will come in next.

There’s four, Donald.  You have to be really careful when you count.  You got in trouble about the inauguration crowd, remember?   But you are almost correct. Two seats are for Chris Christie. So we ae waiting for three more people.

I’m not sure I followed all that about the chairs, Mike. I’ve got all this other stuff on my mind.  Hey, how about this: “James Comey is a poopie doo-doo head who is dumb looking and everyone hates him a real lot.”

  Good to see you!   Have a seat, OJ.

(points to OJ) Hey, I thought he was found innocent.   Why does he need a lawyer?

Right. Yeah, that was pretty wild. And I don’t think anyone was even paid off.  He’s on retainer now. Just in case.  OK, we have Chris and one other person still not here. And,  there she is. Hey,  Catherine.

I don’t recognize her. She’s wearing funny clothes.

Catherine O’Leary.  She started the great Chicago fire back in 1871. Or rather, her cow did. That’s the angle we are working on.  The cow got a hundred grand to take the rap.  Have a seat Catherine.  Now we wait for Chris.

Wasn’t 1871 a really long time ago? I think it was before I was born.  Is she still alive?

Catherine?  I have no idea. Doesn’t matter. As long as I get paid, it’s all cool with me. 

(Chris Christie arrives.)

Ah, now we are all here. Let’s get started.  Donald, please stop poking Catherine. It’s not polite.

I want to see if she’s alive. Is it voter fraud if  she votes for me for reelection even if she’s dead?  Can you pay someone off?

Donald, let’s talk about this later, please.  Just sit quietly and write your Tweets.  Welcome, everyone.  I wanted you all to meet each other. I’ve got to prepare you all, just in case I decide to go on a sudden vacation for a while. 

Hey, I just thought of a good one: “Everyone knows that James Comey eats his boogers.” I lke that.  I’m going with that one.