Your Shrinking Sperm Count

Posted on July 31, 2017


A note to male readers: While you have been otherwise occupied, following the astonishing array of daily antics being publicly unveiled by the Great Trump Travelling Medicine Show, your sperm count, oblivious to politics, has been reducing itself on a daily basis.  According to many sources, sperm count is now down by 60% since 1973.

Life in the Boomer Lane, always on the lookout for material with which to educate readers, usually decides to titillate, rather than educate. For that reason, she will give readers various reasons why this low sperm count phenomenon might be happening:

  1. the demise of the human race This seems to be the most likely reason.  The universe, having given us more of a chance than we really deserved, has finally decided that roaches, ants, and rats have achieved a much higher degree of civilization than we have, and it’s time to go.
  2. overpopulation  Anyone who has temporarily looked up from his cell phone may have noticed that it is becoming increasingly more difficult to procure a parking space. They may have also heard rumors of places in the far recesses of the world that have nothing to do with us that are, as we speak,  experiencing a famine so extreme as to be called the “worst humanitarian crisis since WWII.” For the handful of people who actually know what WWII was, this can be a bit disconcerting. For the others, just go back to your screens.
  3.  climate change  LBL has absolutely no evidence why climate change should impact  on sperm count. But, as she is absolutely sure that climate change is ultimately responsible for every single thing that is wrong with our world (including Trump),   she will throw this in.
  4. Hillary Clinton  LBL is throwing this in to mollify the vast numbers of citizens who believe that Hillary is responsible for the demise of civilization as we know it.  LBL privately believes that Hillary was the wrong person at the wrong time, i.e. a woman, a woman with a brain, and a woman with a mouth.  Oh yes, and those   emails. Damn. Good thing we tossed her aside for someone with a moral conscience.  She also believes that Hillary would have made a fine president, although would not have provided the same entertainment value.
  5. the Russians  Vladimir Putin, now the richest man on the planet, is no longer satisfied with having accumulated more money than Imelda Maros had shoes.  In addition, he has figured out a way to accumulate world reserves of sperm. Trump will doubt that Putin is responsible for this phenomenon and will, instead,  authorize an investigation into the possibility of Mexicans sneaking sperm across the border into Mexico.
  6. internet porn  The unending supply of internet porn has resulted in the complete exhaustion of sperm cells.  A spokessperm for the International Sperm Association explained, “We were never created to work so hard, especially for some purpose other than to create humans.  We need a break, folks.”

LBL invites readers to contribute their own reasons why the sperm count is diminishing. Keep a lid on the humor, though. Don’t outdo the writer of this blog.