A Phone Conversation Between Trump and His Financial Advisor

Joe, Donald here. I’m a little bit upset. And, as you know, no one can get as little bit upset as I can. It’s really extraordinary, when you think about it.

I know, Donald. Can you get to the point?

That Kahn person, who lost his son in Afghanistan, spoke at the Dem’s convention and accused me of having made no sacrifices. I’ve been told by some very brilliant people that I have made more sacrifices than anyone ever has. Just today, I saw a reference to my sacrifices, by an extremely brilliant person.

But that reference was you. You made that statement yourself.

And your point is?

I don’t think you can quote yourself as a reference.

Seriously? Why not? I know more than anyone. If I can’t quote myself, then I have to quote someone who isn’t as brilliant. Why would I do that?

Let’s get to the bottom line, here, Donald. How can I help?

OK, I answered Mr Kahn that of course I have made sacrifices. I have employed tens of thousand of people! That’s a huge sacrifice! I haven’t asked anyone else to pay them! I pay them! With my own money! Every week!

Uh, Donald, first of all, they work for you. All employers pay their employees. Second, you haven’t paid all of them anyway. You stiffed a lot of people. And third, you haven’t actually paid them out of your own pocket. The money has come from building revenues that you have leveraged.

This is sounding very complicated. Wouldn’t it be just easier not to pay them at all?

Donald, if you don’t pay people, they don’t work. Or, rather, if you don’t at least promise to pay them, they won’t work. You can probably get away with that for a while, and you certainly have on many occasions, but eventually those people will stop working. Worse, they can turn on you. Remember those 32,000 lawsuits you are named in? Those people are suing you because you didn’t pay them.

OK, I give up. What about plantations? I read about those! I want plantations!

What do you mean?

They didn’t pay people!

Donald, that was during slavery. We don’t have that system now.

Why not? When did that stop?

Donald, it’s too long to get into. You have to trust me. We are doing the best job we can now.

This is getting really depressing. Will Mexico pay my workers?

Why would Mexico pay them?

I’ll just tell Mexico that we will take all that stuff away from them if they don’t pay my workers.

What stuff?

You know, stuff. Lots of it. I read that we give Mexico lots of stuff.

Why would they agree to that?

We’ll let undocumented workers into the US, on condition that they work free for me. They can work free for everyone except Democrats and Michael Bloomberg! We all get free labor! And Mexicans will all live here because nobody wants to live in Mexico! It’s a win-win!

How will the Mexicans support themselves if nobody pays them?

Food stamps! Government handouts! Groupons!

I think the Mexicans want more than that, Donald. They want a fair wage so that they can be independent. It’s the American dream.

OK, then. Can I change my Syrian refugee policy?

Donald, this conversation is going nowhere. I have to go.