Life in the Boomer Lane has been visiting the home of a close friend who lives in Maine. We’ll call this friend Francine, because that is the first name LBL could think of. The itinerary for the week includes eating, drinking, shopping, kayaking, going to the beach, and talking about sex. As Francine is in a new relationship, sex is uppermost in her mind. LBL asked Francine if she (LBL) could write a post about some of the things they had been talking about. “Well, somebody fucking should,” Francine answered. This is because Francine is nothing if not in-your-face direct.
The following is a run through of the highlights of their conversation. LBL hereby issues a warning: This is not your mother’s sex-after-70.
The Good News
It doesn’t much matter how old one is. New relationships create a sexual excitement that transcends age. It can invade every single other thought one has and turn it into a hot, boogie-on-down version of lust. (Note: Although it may sound like sex, this does not apply to the current presidential election, in which one screeches at the TV “Fuck you, you asshole!” on repeated occasions)
Vaginal dryness is now a fact of life, along with those bruise spots that suddenly appear all over one’s arms, usually when one is distracted by other parts of one’s body that are looking mighty suspicious. VD (LBL just created a new monniker for this that sounds suspiciously like veneral disease and so shouldn’t be used randomly) is annoying, because, in the event the older woman actually finds an older man who wants to have sex, it creates painful intercourse.
For those readers who are now scowling and reminding LBL that this is the good news section of the post, here it is: Vaginal dryness doesn’t have to be corrected through the use of exterior lubricants like Crisco or the expensive (but ineffective) lubes sold at sex parties. It doesn’t even have to include prescription hormone cream, which is expensive, messy and doesn’t actually work and Medicare won’t pay for it because they don’t want people to have fun. Instead, see a doctor, preferably not an opthamalogist or podiatrist. Get a prescription for Vagifem. Apply it twice a week and the magic little ball at the top will leap into action to provide days of lubricated fun.
A new relationship creates a need for new clothing, always a good thing. Just be careful that your new interest in sex takes into consideration your old body. Do not start frequenting stores that also sell bunny key chains and Princess-for-A-Night headbands, in an attempt to purchase short shorts and midriff-bearing tops. Also off limits is anything tight, anything gauzy, and anything with a saying like “Lick, suck, swallow.”
The Not-So-Good News
The human body may weigh exactly the same number of pounds it did twenty or thirty or even forty years before. But the distribution of the pound is like a down comfortor. It starts out all even and predictable. By morning, some areas have no down and are completely flat. Others areas have too much down and look lumpy. And then there’s that huge blob of down at the bottom, that never seems to be able to incorporate itself into the rest of the comforter again.
Viagra, contrary to TV commercials, isn’t failsafe. Use may cause the flag to rise to the top of the pole. But if the wind isn’t strong enough, the flag might just be up there, weakly flapping. (As this post already has way too many metaphors, LBL won’t belabor this one.)
Arthritis, joint replacement, decreased flexibility and flatulance may, on occasion, limit the ability to achieve positions that, in the past, were achieved brilliantly, with little thought. On the other hand, diminished near vision may work in one’s favor in other ways.
In movies, after a night of hot sex, partners lay in bed in the morning, engaging in pillow talk, until they invariably fall into having more sex. The reality is that now, after a night of hot sex, pillow talk gives way to morning intestinal issues, creating a need to run to the bathroom, sometimes three or four times in a row. By the time the intestines have finished doing what they do in the most inefficient and noisiest way possible, another round of sex may give way to brushing one’s teeth, getting dressed, and starting the coffee machine.
What message can we take away from all of this? The first is that sex can still be an exciting, fulfilling endeavor. Take advantage of the opportunity when you can. Like the current run for the presidency, it will eventually end. Hopefully, in your case, with fond memories and not with a smashed TV.
Life in the Boomer Lane 
John
July 27, 2016
Sometimes there is such a thing as too much honesty. Just sayin. 😉
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 31, 2016
Ooh, then you fon’t want to order the illustrated, full-color version of this, right?
Andrew Reynolds
July 27, 2016
and as we age we need to have a more realistic view on spontaneity. In the “golden years” spontaneous sex means, “So, you want to? Great, let get our calendars our and check our pill schedules.”
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 31, 2016
Just think of it as another version of high school sex: “My parents are going out next Saturday evening, so…”
Worlds4Sale
July 27, 2016
Oh god, this just made me really depressed!
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 31, 2016
Cheer up. Eighty and ninety-year-olds love this stuff. brings back the wild times for them.
lauramacky
July 28, 2016
Ok so a little tip….coconut oil (the hard type)…keep a jar in the bathroom and every morning take a bit after your shower and coat the inside of your vagina. Very soothing!
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 31, 2016
You have just provided an invaluable public service. Thanks, Laura.
lauramacky
July 31, 2016
LOL Glad I could help! 🙂
Little Voice
July 30, 2016
Such good advice…now if I could just find someone to practice with!
Life in the Boomer Lane
July 31, 2016
I’m laughimg. Believe me, somewhere there’s a guy thinking the same thing. I’ll let you know if I hear from him.
Sienna (@datingseniormen)
August 1, 2016
Well said, clever, sensible, and largely non-condescending (unlike some of the comments). The idea that sex after 70 is pitifully geriatric is pervasive…..as though everyone under 50 goes at it in a super-acrobatic frenzy and dreads the birthday on which they can no longer achieve a full range of Kama Sutra couplings.
Lisa Pomerantz
August 1, 2016
You are brilliant!
Pat Read
August 7, 2016
I would like to do a guest post to your obviously intelligent, passionate following. My post is:
Many of my friends and family say that they for voting for Hillary out of their commitment to defeat Donald Trump. I’d like to say that for me personally, however, that is the weakest argument for why we should vote for Hillary Clinton. I’m voting for her because as Barack Obama said in his nominating speech at the Democratic Convention. “I can say with confidence there has never been a man or a woman — not me, not Bill, nobody — more qualified than Hillary Clinton to serve as president of the United States of America.”
This year’s campaigns have taught a powerful and terrifying lesson: if you repeat the same thing over and over again it will begin to gather mass and plausibility.
Case 1: One year ago the notion that Donald Trump could be the GOP Presidential Candidate (and was a viable choice to be the leader of the most powerful country on the planet) was literally a joke. (See late night television, media coverage, etc.) Today he is the GOP candidate.
Case 2: Statements that Hillary Clinton is “a liar” and “corrupt” are just slurs which Republicans have repeated over and over and over until it seems that there must be truth there. I do not deny that she made a mistake with her email on her personal server…and she does not deny that it was a mistake. But it was not criminal or immoral. And after dozens of hours and millions of dollars spent on the investigation into Benghazi there has never been shown any causal relationship between Hillary Clinton’s leadership and that tragic, deadly overrun of our Lybian compound.
Yet this characterization of Hillary’s being “untrustworthy” is now the loudest opposition conversation in the country today, despite her service to children and family throughout her adult life and her demonstrated commitment to service for the public good.
Now I heard that phrase (“service to children and family throughout her adult life”) throughout the campaign, but didn’t really understand the reference until Bill Clinton did his speech at the Democratic Convention. He describes her actions and choices from when they met in law school to the present. Of course it’s his point of view of history, but the evidence for what her life has always been about is incontrovertible.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RchVnIn_-Y
I was already a fan. My late sister-in-law, Meg, had known Hillary when they both lived in Little Rock when Bill was the governor of Arkansas. Over the years Meg often said things to me like “she’s the one who should be President” or “she is the REALLY smart one”. Ever since then, and especially after all of Hillary’s accomplishments in the Senate and as Secretary of State, I’ve been committed to Hillary being our first woman President. Some of those accomplishments:
Senator (Democrat Leader) Harry Reid said:
American foreign policy was stronger when Hillary Clinton left the State Department than when she arrived. She took the reins from a Bush administration that had left America’s reputation deeply damaged and planted the seeds for the foreign policy successes we see today. From the agreement to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon, to the landmark normalization of relations with Cuba, nearly every foreign policy victory of President Obama’s second term has Secretary Clinton’s fingerprints on it.
Her accomplishments extend to health care, as well. As First Lady, she helped create and guide through Congress Children’s Health Insurance Program, a key program that brought health care coverage to millions of children. As a Senator, she worked across the aisle to provide full military health benefits to reservists and National Guard members.
Secretary Clinton was also an outspoken champion for women around the world. She set records for travel while leading the State Department and used every trip to empower the women of the 112 countries she visited. She made gender equality a priority of U.S. foreign policy. And she created the ambassador at large for global women’s issues, a post charged with integrating gender throughout the State Department.
Senator Chuck Shumer (D, NY) said: As Secretary of State, Secretary Clinton was not only inspirational figure for billions of women around the globe, she also did much to restore the shattered credibility of the United States, which had lost so much influence following the failed foreign policies of the previous administration. She negotiated the cease-fire in Gaza that stopped the Hamas from firing rocket after rocket into Israel. She helped secure the START treaty’s ratification, and has advanced women’s rights in countries around the globe.
Just as when we lost the Senate majority in 2010 mid-term elections, this is our election to lose. I refuse to look back in November after a Trump victory and wonder if there were something else I could do. It is time now to speak about this, to share our dreams and hopes and inspiration and passion with others. Who says Hillary can’t raise up passion like Bernie did? Who is more passionate than women about their homes and families?
I say it’s time. A woman’s place is in the White House.