An Honest Conversation about Sex After 70

Posted on July 27, 2016




Life in the Boomer Lane has been visiting the home of a close friend who lives in Maine. We’ll call this friend Francine, because that is the first name LBL could think of. The itinerary for the week includes eating, drinking, shopping, kayaking, going to the beach, and talking about sex.  As Francine is in a new relationship, sex is uppermost in her mind. LBL asked Francine if she (LBL) could write a post about some of the things they had been talking about. “Well, somebody fucking should,” Francine answered. This is because Francine is nothing if not in-your-face direct.

The following is a run through of the highlights of their conversation. LBL hereby issues a warning: This is not your mother’s sex-after-70.

The Good News

It doesn’t much matter how old one is. New relationships create a sexual excitement that transcends age. It can invade every single other thought one has and turn it into a hot, boogie-on-down version of lust. (Note: Although it may sound like sex, this does not apply to the current presidential election, in which one screeches at the TV  “Fuck you, you asshole!” on repeated occasions)

Vaginal dryness is now a fact of life, along with those bruise spots that suddenly appear all over one’s arms, usually when one is distracted by other parts of one’s body that are looking mighty suspicious.  VD (LBL just created a new monniker for this that sounds suspiciously like veneral disease and so shouldn’t be used randomly) is annoying, because, in the event the older woman actually finds an older man who wants to have sex,  it creates painful intercourse.

For those readers who are now scowling and reminding LBL that this is the good news section of the post, here it is: Vaginal dryness doesn’t have to be corrected through the use of exterior lubricants like Crisco or the expensive (but ineffective) lubes sold at sex parties. It doesn’t even have to include prescription hormone cream, which is expensive, messy and doesn’t actually work and Medicare won’t pay for it because they don’t want people to have fun. Instead, see a doctor, preferably not an opthamalogist or podiatrist. Get a prescription for Vagifem. Apply it twice a week and the magic little ball at the top will leap into action to provide days of lubricated fun.

A new relationship creates a need for new clothing, always a good thing. Just be careful that your new interest in sex takes into consideration your old body. Do not start frequenting stores that also sell bunny key chains and Princess-for-A-Night headbands, in an attempt to purchase short shorts and midriff-bearing tops. Also off limits is anything tight, anything gauzy, and anything with a saying like “Lick, suck, swallow.”

The Not-So-Good News

The human body may weigh exactly the same number of pounds it did twenty or thirty or even forty years before. But the distribution of the pound is like a down comfortor. It starts out all even and predictable. By morning, some areas have no down and are completely flat. Others areas have too much down and look lumpy. And then there’s that huge blob of down at the bottom, that never seems to be able to incorporate itself into the rest of the comforter again.

Viagra, contrary to TV commercials, isn’t failsafe.  Use may cause the flag to rise to the top of the pole. But if the wind isn’t strong enough, the flag might just be up there, weakly flapping.  (As this post already has way too many metaphors, LBL won’t belabor this one.)

Arthritis, joint replacement, decreased flexibility and flatulance may, on occasion, limit the ability to achieve positions that, in the past, were achieved brilliantly, with little thought. On the other hand, diminished near vision may work in one’s favor in other ways.

In movies, after a night of hot sex, partners lay in bed  in the morning, engaging in pillow talk, until they invariably fall into having more sex. The reality is that now, after a night of hot sex, pillow talk gives way to morning intestinal issues, creating a need to run to the bathroom, sometimes three or four times in a row. By the time the intestines have finished doing what they do in the most inefficient and noisiest way possible, another round of sex may give way to brushing one’s teeth, getting dressed, and starting the coffee machine.

What message can we take away from all of this? The first is that sex can still be an exciting, fulfilling endeavor. Take advantage of the opportunity when you can. Like the current run for the  presidency, it will eventually end. Hopefully, in your case, with fond memories and not with a smashed TV.