(Trump’s phone rings, and he answers)
Hello, person who loves me. Build that wall. Ban Muslims. Carry guns. Repeal Obamacare. Boycott Megyn Kelly’s show. Wear my hats and tee shirts. Vote for me. Make America great again.
Hey Donald, Yeezy here. So I heard that you said you were the most popular person who ever lived, in upstate New York.
I did, Yeez, and I don’t lie. The blacks, they love me. The Hispanics, they love me. The Muslims, they love me. Whoever lives in upstate, New York, wherever the hell that is, loves me. I think there are a lot of trees, there. The trees, they love me. People can’t stay away from me. They’re like lint that sticks to me. I can’t get rid of them. Know what I’m sayin’?
Hey, Man, I do. I’m with you. But that’s what I have a problem with. I’m willing to give you second billing, but man, could anyone touch me as far as adoration? I mean it doesn’t matter what I do, either. They love me, man. I get awards, I’m on the cover of magazines, I sell millions of albums, I control all entertainment in the world. If I painted, I’d be Picasso or Rembrandt. If I entered the Olympics, I’d get all the gold medals. If I went on The Price is Right, I’d win all the appliances. If I worked at Payless, I’d sell all the shoes. The only thing that was ever wrong with me was that I had a big ego. But now, I worked on it and my ego is totally gone. So I’m also the best ego vanquisher who ever lived. It’s no wonder I’m called Yeezus.
But you named yourself that. It doesn’t count.
It counts. It shows I have bigger balls than you. And that’s not ego. It’s the truth.
I dissed the pope. Beat that.
I give you props for that, man. The most important person I dissed was Taylor Swift. But I spent millions of dollars on houses, cars, vacations, clothes. Then I went on Twitter and said I was $53 mil in debt and asked Mark Zuckerberg to bail me out by giving me a billion dollars.
And you get major points for that too, man. Taylor Swift is hot. She loves me too. All the hot celebs love me.
Hey you megalomaniac shit head, you’re talking about my wife, now. She doesn’t love you.
Right, I’ll let that one slide. So did Zuckerberg come up with the dosh? With a billion, you could pay your debts and have have money left over.
I didn’t do the math, but I think you’re right.
Yeah, I’m good with math. I’m smarter than all the mathmeticians who ever lived. The mathmeticians, they love me.
Not yet. But I’m getting donations from people all over the world. Children are sending me the contents of their piggy banks. Old people are sending me their retirement checks.
Way cool, Yeez. Little kids and old people, they love me too. Little kids love me more than Santa Claus. Old people love me more than QVC. But I don’t ask them for money. I’m self-funding. Did you know that?
I think I heard it somewhere, Don. Hey, if Zuckerberg turns me down, can you give me a billion?
No way, Yeez. And drop the Don thing. It’s Mr President to you.
And Mr Yeezus to you.