Life in the Boomer Lane has just returned from Charleston, where she spent an entire week with two of her three children and her three grandchildren, in a glorious house on the beach. The end of the week culminated in the outdoor wedding of her youngest child. Although this may have been one of the most amazing weddings ever held in the history of the planet, LBL will keep these thoughts private and will not bore you with the details. She will, instead, share the items that her sometimes-less-than-civilized readers have come to expect from her.
Both the weather outside the beach house and the health of several people inside the beach house was less-than-optimal (Read this as: The weather sucked and LBL got sick and shared her rabid germs with her daughter-in-law and 22-month-old granddaughter, who then proceeded to run a high fever).
The rehearsal dinner was attended by a bunch of humans, a whole roasted pig who had seen better days, and a pigmy goat who rapidly became the most sought-after member of the wedding party. As one of LBL’s daughter-in-law’s Long Island friends observed, “Hey Janelle, yah wedding party was upstaged by ah goat.” We all agreed.
The day of the wedding, held at a real working tea plantation, was remarkable: clear skies and no rain. LBL, in an attempt to horrify Now Husband, had her makeup professionally done. This consisted of a lot of black stuff all over her eyes, bright red lipstick, and, for the first time ever, false eyelashes. Now Husband, being duly horrified, had to check his blood pressure repeatedly.
The wedding site was spectacular and was characterized by trees, grass, bushes, and assorted tiny winged live flying objects. As porta-potties are not alive, they were not included. LBL, who lives with IBS (Note: In this case, IBS is an intestinal malady, not the initials of an old college boyfriend who is still hanging around), was a bit concerned about the state of her colon after a week of eating enormous amounts of junk food. She dashed into the gift shop rest room to check, before making the journey to the wedding site. She feared the worst, and the worst greeted her. She should add that she was wearing a white dress. She should also add that she promptly became hysterical.
What followed isn’t fit for human brains to process, so LBL will skip right to the wedding ceremony. The ceremony itself, conducted by LBL’s daughter, was about as amazing as a wedding ceremony could possibly be. Guests laughed, smiled, wept silently and openly. LBL prayed. Her prayer went something like this, “Please god, either let me live through this without complete shame and humiliation, or if not, give me a fatal heart attack so I have no idea what a spectacle I will make of myself. And, if the wedding cake is really as good as it is supposed to be, please choose Option #1 for me.”
LBL survived the ceremony, and, once at the reception site, grabbed a golf cart and had her brother-in-law and Now Husband bring her back to the gift shop rest room for some more tidying up. Back at the reception, she did her mother/son dance to Tom Waite’s ode to New Orleans, then carefully walked back to her seat to use her rescue inhaler.
The wedding reception was more like a big, crazy, party of 80 best friends. Janelle’s 90-year-old grandfather wheeled himself into the large photo booth provided, along with six or eight 30-year-olds. Everyone did their best hip hop gestures. Grandpa’s were the best.
The next morning, LBL and Now Husband hit the road for home. Because the packing up and tidying up involved six adults, two preschoolers and a sick baby, LBL had no time to examine her face. Somewhere along the route home, she and Now Husband stopped at a tourist rest stop. LBL caught some strange looks from people as she entered the rest room, but was relieved to learn that her IBS was cooperating that day, so she didn’t know what the looks were about.
Back at the sink, she caught her image in the mirror. Her hair, compliments of Charleston, looked like it had just lost a fight with a blender. Both eyes were caked all the way around with large black smudges. And one eyelash had started to detach itself from her eyelid and was hanging in front of her eye. She wanted to tell everyone that, as bad as it might have seemed, had her IBS been less cooperative, she would have really given them something to talk about. She flipped the one eyelash into the trash and walked out quite regally.
The next morning, the eye smudges were still there, as was the one remaining eyelash. LBL used Albolene cream to scrub her face, removed the eyelash, and washed her hair. Now Husband put his blood pressure kit back into the drawer.
The Laughing Duck
April 20, 2015
Ha, how well you know us to bless us with all the dirty details we shamelessly snicker at while eating lunch at work. Mhm.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 21, 2015
My dirty details belong to the world. And, BTW, I originally thought you were saying that you were eating Snickers for lunch, and you moved to the top of my most-admired list.
The Laughing Duck
April 22, 2015
Just sneaking snickers at lunch – har har – I can do that.
wordsfromanneli
April 20, 2015
The most special day often turns out to be the most stressful day.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 21, 2015
Aside from everyone wondering why I seemed to be showing no emotion at the ceremony, it was an amazing day.
Gayane
April 20, 2015
Sounds like a wonderful time! Thank you for making it real for us, facilities and rogue eyelashes and all. PS: I want to see pix of the little goat! 🙂
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 21, 2015
I think the goat needs his own blog post. Or maybe his own blog, even.
ammaponders
April 20, 2015
Why didn’t they have a place to go to the bathroom?? Bless your heart. Lots of memories, huh?
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 21, 2015
I think they assumed that people could easily take the golf carts back to the gift shop. It wasn’t that far, except when one is in an emergency situation.
btg5885
April 20, 2015
I am sorry you were under the weather. At least you got to see your daughter conduct a wonderful wedding. All the best for a speedy recovery. BTG
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 21, 2015
Thanks, BTG. My asthma, after a 15-year hiatus, appears to have roared back to life. No fun. It sets me up for all kinds of things.
btg5885
April 21, 2015
If your place is like ours, the pollen is wreaking havoc with asthmatics. I had no allergy issues until about six years ago, now it is horrible. I don’t know how asthmatics tolerate it.
Nataly
April 20, 2015
This is a twofer- Hysterical and mortifying all at the same time! Can relate to the rest stop bathroom mirrors. So where is the goat?
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 21, 2015
Thanks, Nataly. I must check on the whereabouts of the goat. He now has more followers than I do.
chlost
April 20, 2015
Sounds like the perfect wedding. Memories, good and bad, and they actually got married. Now I admit I am also a bit curious about the goat….hopefully he was not part of the dinner. You will have stories about this wedding to tell all of the grandchildren. They’ll love it.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 21, 2015
Thanks. It was, indeed, a perfect wedding.
Gail Kaufman
April 20, 2015
Congratulations on this great family event! I so admire how you can laugh at yourself. When I think of the many times I have embarrassed myself, it never even occurred to me to just get it out there. My instinct has always been to block it out of my memory and then pretend that those things don’t happen to me. I wish I had your chutzpah.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 21, 2015
Ah, that chutzpah thing. I’m a mixed bag. Terminal stage fright (unless I’m in charge), fear of asking questions in groups because of the belief I will embarrass myself, even fear of walking through parties (everyone will be looking and judging me). But in front of the laptop, I’m pretty fearless. It’s like getting naked in a dark room with the shades up. I never think anyone is watching.
Gertie petrone
April 20, 2015
You are a master of survival tatics
You even survived the post ceremony return trip home ladie’s room event with the style and grace a a true fashion diva
The wedding – the family – friends what a fabulous celebration
Congrats to the beautiful people
They are surrounded with love
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 21, 2015
Thanks, Gertie. The wedding really was like a bunch of best friends all partying in some great setting. Micah and Janelle did it their way, and it was perfect.
Susan in TX
April 20, 2015
I am VERY confused as to the role of the goat. Dinner or guest? But very clear on the IBS and eyelashes. I love you because you make me laugh.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 21, 2015
Thanks, Susan. I told another reader that the goat now has more followers than I do. He was the uninvited, but most sought-after guest. Cutest thing ever.
Kate Crimmins
April 21, 2015
You are my hero. As a fellow IBS sufferer I would never wear a white dress (or pants or shorts — I even worry about my white skin) anywhere I was expected to be more than 3 ft from a potty. Such courage you have. Sounds like a perfect place (other than the potty scarcity) and great event.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 21, 2015
What I didn’t say in the post was that I had my emergency IBS needs in my daughter-in-law’s backpack, which had been taken elsewhere. I was running (carefully) to all the people in charge, yelling “This is a medical emergency! I need something in the backpack!” They probably thought I was referring to insulin or heart meds. they were falling all over each other, trying to help me.
Kate Crimmins
April 21, 2015
Somehow heart meds sound more official anyway!
pegoleg
April 21, 2015
At first I thought IBS stood for Inter Ballistic Scud Missiles. Then I found out it does. You poor baby! Sounds like a great time was had by all anyway. Way to roll with the punches instead of rolling up into a ball of hysterical misery.
I love Charleston – the history, the architecture, the people. We rented condos on Folly Beach a couple of years ago and had a fab time. In fact, if we ever get to retire and ever decide to do that snowbird thing in the winter months, that’s where I’d go.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 21, 2015
Yes, there are several characteristics that are shared by both SCUDs and IBS. One is that advance warning, while helpful, isn’t always possible. Charleston is great: the food, the scenery, the food, the history, the food. We had a huge, luxury house on Folly, and I pretended to be one of those people who actually live in places like that.
judithhb
April 21, 2015
Glad it was such a FUN day for all – and sometimes one just has to go with the flow IBS and all.
Life in the Boomer Lane
April 21, 2015
What a great (and, unfortunately, picturesque) way to say it.
valentinelogar
April 22, 2015
Fabulous, I love the party guests. I suspect your husband was in awe of your beauty and wanted to remarry you.