Life in the Boomer Lane’s cup runneth over. Actually both of her cups have been runnething over ever since menopause, but that is another matter entirely. This time, she is referring to a plethora (that means three, in this case) of single women who are sharing their online missives with her.
She will start with the most intriguing, sent in by an alert reader who found this profile:
“Above all, I fully understand that foreplay takes 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, if not a little longer…”:
LBL’s first reaction was “Jumpin Jehoshaphat! This man puts Now Husband to shame! Now Husband has 365 days in his year, and this man has more!” Her second thought was to remind herself that there is February 29 every four years, and that must be what he was referring to. It was only after she calmed herself down momentarily by sticking her head in the refrigerator for a while that she allowed herself to imagine what 365 (or 366) days of straight foreplay must look like. LBL is a quick study. 365 (or 366) days of straight foreplay allows no time for the actual act of sex, unless LBL has failed to be aware of another year like Leap Year that contains extra time. This is like listening to a great joke that has no punchline. Forever.
Let us leave that distasteful scenario behind and move on to a reaction one would-be suitor had to someone’s profile photo:
“Your boys look very strong and you must be very proud.”
While “strong like bull” may have made moms proud of their sons for thousands of years, over the last 500 years or so, that might have tended to take a backseat to such traits as intelligence, wit, honesty, creativity, and the ability to pay one’s journey through life after college, as traits to make parents proud.
Another message she got:
“I have not been on Match for a long time and would really like to change my profile name.”
LBL is far less concerned less with what, exactly, is wrong with this man’s profile name than she is with his announcement that he would like to change it. Couldn’t that have been accomplished before having written to someone? LBL knows a lot of names he could use. She would even be willing to share them.
“Life is very simple sometimes and at the same time is very hard and difficult! Writing to an unknown person I feel a little apprehensive and anxious…Talking about myself is quite difficult and therefore I would prefer to explore and discover each other to show my character, my personality with writing and in the near future talking about and sharing with each other the aforementioned. This is quite subjective. Meeting people this way can be deceptive and has a degree of incertitude…I wonder if words and photos will be enough to describe somebody, to reveal her/his real aspect and her/his true character. Well we live in a world of miracles.”
We certainly do. And the greatest miracle of all would be figuring out what this man is saying.
Another note:
“grammar: I know how to write and spell 🙂 My last message had a few errors, I hope that didn’t hurt my chances…”
Here’s a tip: When initially communicating with a potential soul mate, use spell check the first time around. The same holds true for using deodorant on the first date.
Let us end with a man who calls himself “Fartman.” LBL suspects Fartman is an 11-year-old whose parents don’t know he has an online profile and is communicating with a lot of mature women. In fact, LBL is starting to suspect that Fartman may also have endless profiles online. That would explain a lot.
on thehomefrontandbeyond
January 24, 2014
I have often said that if I become single –I will never ever date again–you have helped me keep that vow–hopefully though I will not become single again
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 25, 2014
Then my blog serves a higher purpose. I’m the Mother Teresa of bloggers.
denmother
January 24, 2014
Love the cups runneth over line. So much to look forward to with fabulous menopause….
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 25, 2014
Hey, thanks. Aside from the boob thing, menopause was great. Oh wait, there was the losing hair thing. And the crazy sleeping patterns thing. Damn.
Snoring Dog Studio
January 24, 2014
Horrifying. How do people ever hook up on these sites? Oh, yeah – there’s someone for everyone.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 25, 2014
I met Now Husband on Match. He’s a gem. It can be done.
Emily Cannell
January 24, 2014
I am a 13 year old boy when it comes to the humor surrounding a fart or a fall. But I didn`t write that hilarious on line signature. Too funny!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 25, 2014
Thanks, Emily. There was a story recently about a group of women who fabricated the perfect woman online to see mens’ reaction. A friend and I did that several years ago. We described the hottest woman imaginable, then made her a complete twit. Men responded in droves.
katecrimmins
January 24, 2014
Obviously you have found some of the more brilliant specimens of men out there. I am hoping they are all 13 years old or we’re doomed. BTW, LBL could get her girls fitted so they don’t gush. That would be a very interesting post. Just saying….
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 25, 2014
LBL wears Wacoal full coverage minimizer. So not sexy, and smashes the girls down so that her torso becomes twice as big. A switch might be in order.
katecrimmins
January 26, 2014
I think they call those things girdles!
wordsfromanneli
January 24, 2014
Always good for a chuckle.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 25, 2014
Thanks, Anneli. Hopefully, in addition to chuckles, you also leave with a better understanding of world events, quaantum physics, and how to keep your hair in great condition.
wendykarasin
January 24, 2014
This post is as funny as it is sad. I was a single woman (not that long ago) and the landscape wasn’t pretty. Half the time I thought it must be me. The good news is there are (a few) good men out there – but we may have to adjust our qualification list (not in important areas – like grammar) to allow them entrance. It would be interesting, although less funny to us women, to hear the men’s side of this equation.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 25, 2014
I would seriously (damn, did I actually use that word?) love to hear the other side of the story. But 99% of my readers are women and these are the ones who share stories with me. Years ago, I had a male friend who did tell me a couple experiences he had. People are people, on both sides.
wendykarasin
January 25, 2014
Precisely. I’ve heard funny (pathetic?) stories from both sides. Success may depend on one’s perspective, expectations and readiness.
wendykarasin
January 26, 2014
I hope I responded LBL. Rather, I did respond but for reasons unbeknownst to me, WP comments come to my phone now, not my email (as was the case). So, I responded, but don’t know where to look to see if it was sent. Do let me know.
chlost
January 24, 2014
I also would be curious to find out what 365 or so days of non-straight foreplay would be like. But not curious enough to try it. Glad that I am out of the market.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 25, 2014
Well said.
jlheuer
January 24, 2014
My son is a pretty good looking guy, intelligent but also nerdy. He wouldn’t get close to a dating site but if he did it would probably sound pretty lame. Talking to women is not his strong suit. I won’t be seeing a potential daughter-in-law for a LONG time.
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 25, 2014
Don’t give up hope. My youngest (great personality, great looking), had a lot of women who liked him but he loved his life and didn’t have the patience to deal with even the slightest hint of discord or weirdness from a woman. He assured me he would marry someday. I said OK, but you have to start by having an actual date with someone. Now he’s been partnered for five years and super happy.
jlheuer
January 26, 2014
Hope springs eternal.
ermigal
January 24, 2014
Loved this! Now in my 6th decade and with pre-Match.com husband of 21 years that I met thru newspaper personal; forty-six year old bachelor at the time, I should have specified must produce small talk from time to time. I think I encountered Fartman at a salsa lesson a while back as I made my way thru the Rueda (circle). He must have eaten some bad tortillas or something. First and last lesson. Thanks for the laughs, LBL! 😉
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 25, 2014
Love your comments!
roughwighting
January 25, 2014
Oh boy, I start to smile, but then I feel sorry for women reading these things. However, we do know that men are not the best at communicating. They may be good at lying though (foreplay for 365 days???). Well, my cup(s) runneth over also, along with the sleepless nights. I’m glad my guy of 29.5 years caught me lo those so many years ago; otherwise, I’d stay single, for sure!
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 27, 2014
I think most of these posts result in reminding women how great their husbands are. I am gratified I can contribute to a fall in the divorce rate.
roughwighting
January 27, 2014
🙂
Valentine Logar
January 26, 2014
I am patient. I am thankful. I am kind. I am now single and I am grateful for your blog which has convinced me I will remain so, for the rest of my life.
Fartman?
Life in the Boomer Lane
January 27, 2014
Ah, Valentine, you are great. Yes, Fartman. Clever, huh.
benzeknees
January 27, 2014
Rather than face this I think I would just give up on dating altogether! These are so funny! Although if I were to receive a reply from my hubby it might look something like the one no one can understand because his writing skills are sorely lacking, where his other skills are not.
Pablo
May 1, 2014
Online dating from a mans prospective…..of the over200 women I have spoken to in the last two years on a popular dating site….80% sent me pictures of their breast (not some creepy ass pic collector but I’m a healthy american male at 61…send em I will look) then we talk for a while then they disappear like a ghost. I have met a few but most are seeking casual sex…which is not so bad in itself….but…leaves me a little cold afterward. The there are the women that are “serial daters.” You see that same profile and pic on multiple sites. But….each and every one I have observed just tweak it a little to sound different. Some list “casual sex” as what they want…then when you discuss it…it’s “I’m not that kinda girl.” WTF? Why put it on your profile if you aren’t seeking it? Lots of people simply don’t have the social skills (with the techno world we live in) to carry on a REAL face to face relationship. Online dating sucks. Ladies…do the guys play the games too? nunyabizsps@gmail.om