Online Dating: A Joke Without A Punchline?

Posted on January 24, 2014



Life in the Boomer Lane’s cup runneth over. Actually both of her cups have been runnething over ever since menopause, but that is another matter entirely. This time, she is referring to a plethora (that means three, in this case) of single women who are sharing their online missives with her.

She will start with the most intriguing, sent in by an alert reader who found this profile:

“Above all, I fully understand that foreplay takes 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, if not a little longer…”:

LBL’s first reaction was “Jumpin Jehoshaphat! This man puts Now Husband to shame! Now Husband has 365 days in his year, and this man has more!” Her second thought was to remind herself that there is February 29 every four years, and that must be what he was referring to. It was only after she calmed herself down momentarily by sticking her head in the refrigerator for a while that she allowed herself to imagine what 365 (or 366) days of straight foreplay must look like. LBL is a quick study. 365 (or 366) days of straight foreplay allows no time for the actual act of sex, unless LBL has failed to be aware of another year like Leap Year that contains extra time. This is like listening to a great joke that has no punchline. Forever.

Let us leave that distasteful scenario behind and move on to a reaction one would-be suitor had to someone’s profile photo:

“Your boys look very strong and you must be very proud.”

While “strong like bull” may have made moms proud of their sons for thousands of years, over the last 500 years or so, that might have tended to take a backseat to such traits as intelligence, wit, honesty, creativity, and the ability to pay one’s journey through life after college, as traits to make parents proud.

Another message she got:

“I have not been on Match for a long time and would really like to change my profile name.”

LBL is far less concerned less with what, exactly, is wrong with this man’s profile name than she is with his announcement that he would like to change it. Couldn’t that have been accomplished before having written to someone? LBL knows a lot of names he could use. She would even be willing to share them.

“Life is very simple sometimes and at the same time is very hard and difficult! Writing to an unknown person I feel a little apprehensive and anxious…Talking about myself is quite difficult and therefore I would prefer to explore and discover each other to show my character, my personality with writing and in the near future talking about and sharing with each other the aforementioned. This is quite subjective. Meeting people this way can be deceptive and has a degree of incertitude…I wonder if words and photos will be enough to describe somebody, to reveal her/his real aspect and her/his true character. Well we live in a world of miracles.”

We certainly do. And the greatest miracle of all would be figuring out what this man is saying.

Another note:

“grammar: I know how to write and spell 🙂 My last message had a few errors, I hope that didn’t hurt my chances…”

Here’s a tip: When initially communicating with a potential soul mate, use spell check the first time around. The same holds true for using deodorant on the first date.

Let us end with a man who calls himself “Fartman.” LBL suspects Fartman is an 11-year-old whose parents don’t know he has an online profile and is communicating with a lot of mature women. In fact, LBL is starting to suspect that Fartman may also have endless profiles online. That would explain a lot.