For those of you who were starting think that my friend Susan had extricated herself from the maws of online dating, rest assured that she has only taken a small step back and has managed to keep her fingers mostly intact.
She has had several email and phone conversations, only one of which has culminated in an actual “date.” She met Mr Candidate at a restaurant. He seated himself, looked at Susan and the conversation went as follows:
He: Women lie about their weight.
She: And men lie about their age and height.
He: I think I look pretty good for 72.
She: 72? Your profile says you are 62.
He: It does? My daughter wrote it for me.
Susan’s conclusion: Date #2937 was not good.
*****
Susan received an email from a man she had replied to and said she wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with him because he was in Florida. He wrote back and told her he was quite a catch and even made his own clothes. She went back onto his profile page which now showed him dressed as a woman.
*****
One initial communication sounded promising. But, like a patch of quicksand covered with flowers, this is how it developed. Third grade spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been left intact.
Good Morning, I am so excited to read from you again.. On because you already Ms. July (Blogger’s note: It was December) You are beautiful. You are so right, i am open to an communication you perfer because i am ready to create a new friendship with someone special. We coupld spend time to talk on phone and email.. when we are both comfortable enough the we plan a meeting, so by the time we get to meet we won’t sound as a stranger to each other..
My phone number is XXX (Actual number supplied for a large sum of unmarked bills). Please fell free to call me at anytime. In the main time let me tell you a little more about me.
(What follows is a heartfelt revealing of his soul, using the words nature, water, breeze, waves, shore, beach, river, lake, ocean, estuary, inlet, tidal basin, cove, creek, brook, bayou, swamp, and fjord. This is followed by a list of 29 likes and attributes, the most notable of which is:
4th,For fungi play football, tennis and Golf I love going to beach, love to listen good
R&B, Country and Slows
5th,I love being with gentle hearted people that takes life easy with a right vision of
what the future holds for them, ones that are sincere with an attitude of self-control
6th, DislikeI hate liars, cheaters and self-centered ones I don’t like people that feel
they are far superior to other, with a spirit of pride in them
9th,I love the sound of thunderstorm but they also scare me when I’m alone
10th,I hate being alone
11th,I don’t tell lies no matter how it hurt i rather speck the truth and expect
complete honesty since i give it
12th, My favorite color is Red and Blue
Oh I have to stop now too much written I Hope you not too board after reading my email and still interested and willing to give us a chance, I wanna say Thank you for sharing your picture with me… You are Beautiful.. You are truly a song written by the hands of God.
The email continues into manuscript-length, but this blogger will end here, as she understands that the reader has only so much time per day to devote to reading anything that will not earn them a living, broaden their intellectual awareness of the world, or bring them to climax. But a second email from Water Lover continued, starting with I am pretty sure our lips would be perfect for each other.
Did anybody tell you that you are one of the most beautiful women in Match.com I bet if they elected Miss Match 2012, she has to be you! Your smile lightened my whole heart when I looked at your picture. It must be raining when you were born, because God was crying for losing his most beautiful angel.How long have you been living on earth?You were so pretty and irresistible and I couldn’t get your image off my mind i really would love to know more about you. (Note to Susan: Make an appointment at the beauty salon, nail salon, cosmetic surgeon, and podiatrist)
Beauty is not based on how attractive we are to everybody else, but how attractive we are to ourselves, for one cannot think other people think they are full of beauty unless they know they are beautiful too,I believe the personality and the soul is what makes a person beautiful, it does not always have to be the physical appearance, True beauty cannot be seen from the outside, it must be found within the soul of your love…. (Note to Susan: Cancel all appointments)
*****
He ends with This is the much i can write now; I hope you had a wonderful day today. He has covered all forms of communication, except to ask Susan anything specific about anything she had written in her profile.
*****
Another man requested more photos of Susan. His response to the ones she sent to him:
YOU LOOK DIFFERENT, MAYBE YOU CAN FIND A MAN IN A MOSQUE, OR SOME WHERE LIKE THAT.
*****
More later, after Susan returns from the mosque.
BABYBOOMER johanna van zanten
February 12, 2013
hi,
this post was very entertaining again, but also pretty sad. I hope Susan keeps on dating, so I get a reminder not to start again in my weak moments when I have a longing for going back on line. Or should I, seeing it’s great material for writing short stories….
Johanna van Zanten
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 12, 2013
The good news is that Susan is a great sport about the whole thing, and even she is amazed at her bad luck.
on thehomefrontandbeyond
February 12, 2013
it is sad
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 12, 2013
That, it is. But Susan takes it all in stride. And hopefully, these men (or most of them) will find true love.
Betty Londergan
February 12, 2013
I had no idea the Nigerian rip-off artists and Chinese internet scammers were now on Match! How exciting!! Between this and the mosque, Susan is sure to find a unique catch!!! Happy V-Day, Renee – you’ve made mine!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 12, 2013
Thanks, Betty. The world is full of exotica, is it not.
Gayane
February 12, 2013
Water boy must be Chinese. The grammar and general tone make me think of the captions on Chinese and Korean soaps I watch on MhZ. Had he written more, we’d probably hear about his uncle who has mega millions and needs a US bank account to dump it in. I think Susan should get a cat.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 12, 2013
For a small fee, I can send you the unedited version. Tell Susan she should get a cat. Believe me, she would rather be engaged to Water Boy.
Susan in TX
February 12, 2013
You wrote . . . “The email continues into manuscript-length, but this blogger will end here, as she understands that the reader has only so much time per day to devote to reading anything that will not earn them a living, broaden their intellectual awareness of the world, or bring them to climax.”
If you NEV-er write another sentence this good, you can still dust your hands and say, “My work here is done.” You have added a Top 10 observation to the blogosphere!
What great fun this morning. Thanks.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 12, 2013
Oh my, your comment gives me a reason to go on living. Well, I was hoping to do that anyway, but it does give me an enormous lift. I’m honored.
notquiteold
February 12, 2013
My husband often (daily) makes me crazy. But oh, I am keeping him now.. he is far superior to other, even without an attitude of self control.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 12, 2013
I believe that Susan’s adventures have done more to save marriages than either Dr Phil or Viagra.
tressalee
February 12, 2013
Okay everyone is insane! start there when doing the dating thing, keep of sense of humor and your gun! I don’t read a lot of blogs cuz they are so boring…I took time for this one, interesting and fun…we need entertainment around here…love it!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 12, 2013
Thanks. Susan will continue searching, I will continue writing, and hopefully, some people will continue reading.
tressalee
February 12, 2013
oh yes we will blessings and when your’e done searching (Susan) all of the sudden he will appear…wanting causes resistance…its cool how universe works and frustrating too…love to you women who make the world fun! 😉 T
K.L.Richardson
February 12, 2013
Your friend must be getting the same feed of prospects that I did from Match! I too got the guy who loves to dress up as a woman! I guess by the time I got him he had come to terms with it and straight out (irony?pun?) listed his pic all “dolled up”! I decided that I had enough of it also and decided to start dating my ex husband…the evil we know is easier to deal with than the evil we don’t know…or that’s my theory anyway.
ryoko861
February 12, 2013
I hope your friend is laughing her ass off! Great entertainment! I’d invite my friends over, some wine, munchies and just read the shit that these guys put out there! What a bunch of horn dogs!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 12, 2013
Yikes, I wonder if it really is the same guy.
benzeknees
February 12, 2013
I would be so discouraged with these replies! Thanks goodness it’s not me!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 12, 2013
Susan is great. She takes everything in stride. I wish some great older men would read this blog and contact her!
morristownmemos by Ronnie Hammer
February 12, 2013
Your posts about Susan make me understand the origins of the sex wars around the world.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 12, 2013
Very funny, Ronnie!
MerCyn
February 12, 2013
I agree with Guyane that English is not the guy’s native language, whatever ethnic background he may be. Thank you for today’s entertainment and laugh. Susan should consider her quest a research project for a book we would all enjoy reading.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 12, 2013
Lots of people have suggested that we write a book. But I’ve written several and it’s hard work, not to mention the gruelling process of trying to get published and failing and then having to market the book myself. I’m getting too old for that!
oneawkwardyear
February 12, 2013
Oh my god, laugh to keep from crhing! This is great.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 13, 2013
Thanks, I’ll pass your comment on to Susan.
Snoring Dog Studio
February 13, 2013
It all brings back so many, many bad memories. Yes, I received the same sorts of emails and experienced the same demeaning, disheartening dates. Then I just gave up completely and added another dog to my family. I am so much happier now. Save for the 0.00000001% chance of a good match that comes along, the entire online dating thing is a soul-sucking eddy of despair. But it does make for hilarious retelling!
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 13, 2013
Hey, thanks, I am sorry you had that experience (although there are lots of great guys online), but who can argue with another dog?
artinstructor
February 13, 2013
Many years ago, I did the blind-date via the tabloid ad aproach. I had much better success than the story relates, but I was not then 60. A lot of the men who answered were lovely and I wish I had had the stamina to meet them all. I did respond to them all as a courtesy. Yes many were inarticulate and very nervous. Yes, many were ‘nuts’. But most were very sweet and real – even in person. I met my husband through the ads and it has proven to be the best thing I could have tried.
If Susan is a real person – I wish her better luck – there really are some wonderful people out there. Don’t let the weirdos and the stupid cloud her search. 🙂
I enjoyed your essay – it was funny and horrific – a black comedy.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 13, 2013
Thanks, and thanks for visiting Life in The Boomer Lane. You have just tapped into exactly why there is a part of me that actually feels guilty writing this stuff. A lot of these guys I write about are, indeed, sweet and real. And there are lots of great guys out there. My experience online was exactly like yours. I met Now Husband on Match, and I know many women who found great relationships online, as well. In spite of all the humor, I always tell women that it is entirely possible to meet someone this way. Except I’m starting to have my doubts about Susan, who is very real and who breaks all records for the worst luck I’ve ever seen. If she allows me, I might “introduce” her in my blog. She is a hoot. Everyone loves her.
pegoleg
February 13, 2013
I don’t know why Susan is so picky. What woman isn’t looking for a fungi?
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 13, 2013
Funny you should say that, Peg (have you ever thought about writing humor?). Susan’s friend’s tell her she is too picky. I tell her she isn’t picky enough. It’s like that old saying, “Which came first, the chicken or the water under the dam?” And, speaking of dams, damn, there’s a blog post in there somewhere. Hey Peg, where is your guest post for me?
pegoleg
February 13, 2013
Um…you ran my guest post a couple of weeks ago, Renee. Awkward.
Hey, I need to send you something and I didn’t keep your email address the last time you sent me something, and the one attached to your avatar doesn’t seem to be valid. Would you email me, please?
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 13, 2013
Oh, funny. I’m up to my eyeballs in organizing a women’s expo right now and I saw your comment and of course I remember your post but my brain flipped to an unnamed blogger who promised me something awhile ago. Sorry. But, hey, I will run something from you any time you care to send it to me. Seriously. As long as it’s about aging, boomers, whatever. Even a repost from you. I love your stuff. I was just thinking yesterday about that group blogging thing we did while ago. What fun. lifeintheboomerlane@gmail.com
Valentine Logar
February 14, 2013
Okay, now I am wondering if I should stop making fun of my husband on my blog.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 16, 2013
Just make up a name and put quotation marks around it. He’ll never guess.
Valentine Logar
February 16, 2013
He refuses to read it! I am happy with this arrangement. Guess I will just carry on.
Sienna (@datingseniormen)
February 16, 2013
This guy must be the same person who authors those emails promising mega-millions, and inviting you to send your bank transfer info to a Nigerian address.
Life in the Boomer Lane
February 16, 2013
I think they are all the same person, including all the tech people you call.